The 7 Types of People You See Every Halloween
Oscar Wilde said, “Give a man a mask, and he will tell you the truth." We're pretty sure he meant to add, "Give a child a mask, and he will eat Pixie Sticks until he passes out on the rug." The truth? You will run into these people on this, and every, Halloween.
By Brandon Specktor
© Luigi Novi / Wikimedia Commons
The Kid Who Ruined the Group Costume
All night, he'll hear these words: “Aww, who do we have here? Iron Man…Thor…Captain America……and a ghost.” Whether a chronic procrastinator who didn’t get his costume in time or just a teensy agent of chaos bent on botching every group photo, this kid is the proverbial toothbrush in the candy bowl of friendship.
The Girls Who Are Too Young to Be Dressed as Sexy _________s
Sexy Witch, Sexy Nurse, Sexy Katniss, Sexy Housing Bubble…whatever the hawt trend is this year, shouldn’t it be reserved for those who’ve at least kicked in to their own Sexy College Funds?
Stephen Zimmermann, Wikimedia Commons
The Dad Who Took His "Haunted Garage" Too Far
Any dude can trick up his carport with cotton spider webs and dime-store strobe lights. This dad kicks their lazy corpses to the coffin. Bubbling cauldrons of “fruit bat punch”? Got ‘em. Functioning electric chair? Right here. His annual pet project is a triumph in terror—the only thing scarier being the existential void that drove him to build it in the first place.
The Costumed Baby Who Thinks You're All Fools
He may not have teeth, but there is wisdom in his chubby face. “Is this what grown-ups are like?” he thinks, taking in the herd of painted ghouls and pantless fools roaming the streets. “I’ll stick to diapers.”
Purestock / Thinkstock
The Helicopter Mom
She’s not wearing a costume, but this mirthless mama still sets out with one agenda: to personally shield her children from the hazards of holiday fun. Astute trick-or-treaters may recognize her common warning cries: “Only one piece of candy now,” “No, that one is too big,” and “It’s almost 4pm—time to go home and floss.”
The Couple Who Only Has "Old People Candy"
Mmm…cough drops! Butterscotch buttons! NutraSweet from 1985! Thank you, neighborhood elders. With bounty like this, your grandkids must visit all the time.
The Family Who Is Clearly Over It
You won’t actually see them; their house is dark, their windows are closed, their doorbell isn't working. The only evidence of this family’s existence on Halloween is a plastic pumpkin on the porch that's full of breath mints and a hastily-scrawled note that says “TAKE ONE.”