16 Funny Thanksgiving Quotes to Share Around the Table

Gobble them up!

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    Q: What's the traditional way to celebrate?

    "I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land." —Jon Stewart

    Q: What's the #1 lesson of Thanksgiving?

    "Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often." —Johnny Carson

    Q: What to do with leftovers?

    "Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftovers in aluminum foil and throw them out." —Nicole Hollander

    Q: Where's the worst place to be on Thanksgiving?

    "Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants." —Kevin James

    Q: How do you stuff your bird?

    "It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak." —Phyllis Diller

    Q: How can you best celebrate the day after Thanksgiving?

    "I approximated the Black Friday experience at home by hurling myself into a wall a number of times and then ordering online." —Kumail Nanjiani

    Q: How much gravy is too much?

    "I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." —Erma Bombeck

    Q: What do we do on Thanksgiving?

    "The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?’" —Jim Gaffigan

    Q: How do Canadians celebrate in America?

    "I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that." —Howie Mandel

    Q: Too much turkey?

    "If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself." —Mitch Hedberg

    Q: The best ways to enjoy your veggies?

    "Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie." —Jim Davis

    Q: How good is Mom's turkey?

    "Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before." —Rita Rudner

    Q: How do you get the best turkey?

    "Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, Blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?" —Kenny Rogerson

    Q: How can you get more beast for your feast?

    "We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing." —George Carlin

    Q: What's the most wonderful time of the year?

    "Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas." —Richard Roeper

    Q: Overdid it?

    "You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out." —Jay Leno

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