Hilarious Jokes from the Guys Who Make America Laugh

Our expert panel of eight comedy legends met over pickles and pastrami to select the ten most hilarious jokes in America. Below is their judgment. Let us know if you think these jokes are funny (or just too corny) in the comments.

By Andy Simmons from Reader's Digest Magazine
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    Brandon Specktor

    Hilarious Joke #1

    A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

    Submitted by Debby Carter

    Brandon Specktor

    Hilarious Joke #2

    A poodle and a collie are walking together when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend ran away with a schnauzer, and I’m as jittery as a cat.”

    “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?” suggests the collie.

    “I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”

    Submitted by L. B. Weinstein

    Brandon Specktor

    Hilarious Joke #3

    A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

    “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.”

    They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”

    Submitted by Mitchell Hauser

    Brandon Specktor

    Hilarious Joke #4

    A man is walking in a graveyard when he hears the Third Symphony played backward. When it’s over, the Second Symphony starts playing, also backward, and then the First. “What’s going on?” he asks a cemetery worker.

    “It’s Beethoven,” says the worker. “He’s decomposing.”

    Submitted by Jeremy Hone

    Brandon Specktor

    Hilarious Joke #5

    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

    “I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

    The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

    There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “Okay, now what?”

    Submitted by Gerald Doka

    Brandon Specktor

    Hilarious Joke #6

    A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

    “So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

    “I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

    The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog’s owner, “Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?”

    The owner says, “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”

    Submitted by Harry Nelson

    Brandon Specktor

    Hilarious Joke #7

    In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks. God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.” With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains. “That’s true,” says God. “So what happened?” she asks. God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”

    Submitted by Hank Chawansky

    Brandon Specktor

    Hilarious Joke #8

    Every ten years, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words. Ten years go by and it’s one monk’s first chance. He thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.”

    Ten years later, he says, “Bed hard.”

    It’s the big day, a decade later. He gives the head monk a long stare and says, “I quit.”

    “I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.”

    Submitted by Alan Lynch

    Brandon Specktor

    Hilarious Joke #9

    A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on his lap. He’s telling a dumb-blonde joke when a young platinum-haired beauty jumps to her feet. “What gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?” she demands. “What does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?” Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer out an apology. “You keep out of this!” she yells. “I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

    Submitted by Nancy Gomes

    Brandon Specktor

    Hilarious Joke #10

    A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, “How long have you been wearing that bra?” The friend replies, “Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.”

    Submitted by Braeden Silvermist

    Our Judges

    Sid Caesar: His 1950s TV hit, Your Show of Shows, introduced America to Mel Brooks, Carl Reiner, Neil Simon, and Woody Allen.

    Monty Hall: Television producer and host of Let’s Make a Deal.

    Arthur Hiller: Directed comedies like The In-Laws and Silver Streak.

    Rocky Kalish: Wrote for All in the Family, Maude, and Good Times.

    Hal Kanter: Bob Hope’s chief gag writer. Wrote Road to Bali for Hope and Bing Crosby.

    Gary Owens: The voice of Rowan & Martin’s Laugh-In.

    John Rappaport: Writer and producer for M*A*S*H.

    Matty Simmons:
    Founder of National Lampoon; producer of Animal House and Vacation.

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    Your Comments

    • Cliff Larson

      Ha ha! I have read all of these before and still find them pretty funny. Then again, I’m from the “younger” generation of Digest readers. I’m only 40. Practically a toddler.

    • Calvin N Hobbes

      Pitiable link. I wish he had scanned all the ‘Laughter is the Best Medicine’ pages and made an e-book instead.

      • Calvin N Hobbes

        Not commenting on crude or not crude part. Some of these jokes are not funny at all.

    • Sponge

      Oh, that’s classy.  What’s next, “turd” jokes?  Way to go Reader Digest.

    • Billjaap

      the usual not funny at all american jokes

    • http://www.facebook.com/stacy.vinson Stacy Music

      Maybe that joke isnt your tast but, really, get over it. Arent there a million other things to be in a huff about other than a silly joke and by the way, I read RD every month but my youngest does not. My older child does and believe me, shes heard worse on broadcast TV. If this kind of thing makes you uncomfortable, then you and alot of others are the reason kids dont get spoken to about certain issues ahead of time. See now Im making a big deal out of others making a big deal! Ok, Im done.

    • http://www.facebook.com/lauracushing Laura Cushing

      Geeze, don’t be a prude. Lighten up- the bunny was funny.

    • MK

      These jokes are sick and disgusting.  Readers Digest you be ashamed of yourself for publishing such utter nonsense.   
      Please produce something that is readable.

    • Helmut

      The jokes are truly entertaining.

    • Cookseverynite

      Hilarious?  By what standard?   I couldn’t believe a magazine with as fine a reputation as the Digest would run a joke about the Easter bunny screwing a chicken.  NOT FUNNY!   Crude, dumb, and disgusting!  Sorry,  your “funniest issue ever” certainly was not amusing.

    • Cookseverynite

      Hilarious?  By what standard?   I couldn’t believe a magazine with as fine a reputation as the Digest would run a joke about the Easter bunny screwing a chicken.  NOT FUNNY!   Crude, dumb, and disgusting!  Sorry,  your “funniest issue ever” certainly was not amusing.

      • Hambone

        That was funny…not crude…hardly disgusting…and quite clever actually. Haven’t you ever wondered why the bunny hides eggs?

      • ED ORRIS

        I TOTALLY AGREE! ED ORRIS