Short Jokes About the Olympics

If they gave medals for mirth, these funny jokes and gags would win the gold by a mile.

from Reader's Digest Magazine | July/August 2012

The French, German, and Hungarian fencers are arguing over who is the best in their sport.

The Frenchman pulls out his foil: “I will show you all!” He targets a fly buzzing around, and with one swipe of his blade, the fly falls to the ground, cut neatly in half. The German smiles. He locates another fly, and with two swipes, it falls to the ground, its wings neatly removed. Now it’s the Hungarian’s turn. Lifting his foil, he takes three swipes at a fly, which flutters off, undisturbed. The others laugh, but the Hungarian holds up his hands. “That fly,” he says, “will never procreate again.”

"Curling is not a sport."

“I called my grandmother and told her she could win a gold medal because they have dusting in the Olympics now.”—Charles Barkley

"I have a problem with that silver medal."

“It’s like, 'Congratulations, you almost won. Of all the losers, you’re the number one loser. No one lost ahead of you.'”—Jerry Seinfeld

While walking through the Olympic Village...

...A reporter meets a man carrying an eight-foot-long metal stick and asks, “Are you a pole vaulter?” “No,” says the man, “I’m German. But how did you know my name is Walter?”

“Here’s a good trick:”

“Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn’t see it and go, 'OK, is everybody ready to start now?'”—Jack Handey

“I don’t care about the Olympics.”

“It’s like watching gym.”—Bill Maher

The final round of the hammer throw event comes down to:

A Russian soldier, a Bulgarian farmer, and Larry, who lives with his parents. The Russian throws first: 85 meters. Interviewed later, he says, “I’m from a military family, which gives me discipline.” Then the Bulgarian throws: 88 meters. He tells reporters, “I’m from a farming family. This gives me strength.” It’s Larry’s turn. He slings the hammer 95 meters, winning gold! Later, he explains, “I’m from a long line of lazy people, and I was taught, ‘If anyone ever puts a hammer in your hand, throw it as far away as you can.’”

Q: How is playing the bagpipes like throwing a javelin blindfolded?

A: You don’t have to be very good to get people’s attention.

The Cuban boxer is taking a beating when the bell rings.

As he staggers to his corner, his coach whispers, “Let him hit you with the left. Your face is crooked.”

"The Olympics would be better if every athlete carried a sword."

“If competitors had sharpened blades, equestrian events would at least be watchable, and gymnastics would require a lot more strategy.”—Robert Weintraub on

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