12 Smart Jokes That Make You Sound Like a Genius

Do you long to be the funniest pompous twit in the room? Memorize these!

By Andy Simmons
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    An average performance

    A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells "We got 'em!”

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    Computer Science 101

    How easy is it to count in binary? It’s as easy as 01 10 11.

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    Caesar on the rocks, please

    A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

    Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”

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    Not to mention trempé

    If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

    Speculative women's studies

    A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?” The linguist replied, “They'd be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

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    Om my!

    Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

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    Graduate-Level Statistics

    A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.

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    The Sartre of living

    Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.”

    The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

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    One-upmanship

    Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of peaceful co-existence, the Amati family decided to put a sign in their shop window saying: “We make the best violins in Italy.” The Guarneri family soon put a sign in their window proclaiming: “We make the best violins in the world.” Finally, the Stradivarius family posted this sign outside their shop: “We make the best violins on the block.”

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    Intro to Comparative Religion

    Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”

    He said, “Nobody loves me.”

    I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

    He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”

    He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me too! Protestant or Catholic?”

    He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me too! What franchise?”

    He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”

    He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”

    He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”

    He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”

    He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

    —Emo Philips

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    Objectionable content

    Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

    Your Comments

    • anon

      These jokes aren’t even funny… and this is coming from a nerd.

    • T Budd

      Heisenberg is pulled over for speeding. The cop says to him, “Do you know how fast you were going?” Heisenberg replies, “No, but I know where I am.”

      There are 10 types of people in this world, those who understand binary and those who don’t.

      • Pamela Mann Pastura

        Counting binary…easy as 1…10…11.

    • itsnotalwaysasitseems

      Reader’s Digest used to be a family friendly magazine, but not anymore. It seems like they are trying to be politically correct or something. It went down the tubes when Liz, the new editor, took over. Breast, testicle, fetishes, Christian mocking, women’s periods, etc. What the heck? I’m sure someone will tell me to “lighten up”, but most of these jokes are just off-color enough that I would not want to share them. I’m not judging anyone who thinks they are funny, but none of them sounded even remotely “genius caliber” to me. Sorry, RD, but this is exactly why I canceled my subscription two years ago. You can do better.