12 Smart Jokes That Make You Sound Like a Genius

Do you long to be the funniest pompous twit in the room? Memorize these!

By Andy Simmons
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    An average performance

    A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells "We got 'em!”

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    Computer Science 101

    How easy is it to count in binary? It’s as easy as 01 10 11.

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    Caesar on the rocks, please

    A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

    Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”

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    Not to mention trempé

    If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

    Speculative women's studies

    A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?” The linguist replied, “They'd be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

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    Om my!

    Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

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    Graduate-Level Statistics

    A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.

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    The Sartre of living

    Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.”

    The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

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    One-upmanship

    Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of peaceful co-existence, the Amati family decided to put a sign in their shop window saying: “We make the best violins in Italy.” The Guarneri family soon put a sign in their window proclaiming: “We make the best violins in the world.” Finally, the Stradivarius family posted this sign outside their shop: “We make the best violins on the block.”

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    Intro to Comparative Religion

    Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”

    He said, “Nobody loves me.”

    I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

    He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”

    He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me too! Protestant or Catholic?”

    He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me too! What franchise?”

    He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”

    He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”

    He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”

    He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”

    He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

    —Emo Philips

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    Objectionable content

    Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

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    Your Comments

    • John Hillman

      Tell these and you will not seem smart just stupid as hell. These are jokes for children.

    • funnyscientist

      I find it a little depressing that with 12 pictures of laughing scientists, every single one was a man. Does Reader’s Digest not believe that women can be scientists? Or does Reader’s Digest not believe that women can have a sense of humor?

      • Vince

        Oh girly Please.

      • Ekras

        Who would teach said woman to read well enough to understand the jokes?

    • Your inner voice.

      I really enjoyed the coffee joke.

    • Tom Maker

      Two chemists walk in a bar…..the first says I will have an H2O. He takes a refreshing drink. The next chemist says I will have an H2O2. He dies!!! (Get it?)

    • High school science teacher

      I have to protest NOT the jokes, but the photos here . As a high school science teachers in a lower/middle class school, we fought hard to help our students get ahead. But we also had to fight against the stereotypes that scientists were white men, looked crazy, had wild hair and glasses, and no female would ever look at twice. If you look again, you will see how the photos in this article strongly reinforces those stereotypes and are not fair or representative of scientists, just the stereotype.
      We found out what a big deal this was when a doctoral research project in the area was interviewing young male students who are black or Hispanic and who would have
      excelled in science, math, and engineering, but had chosen NOT to go
      into these fields. The reason they gave? Science was only for crazy looking white guys who couldn’t get the girls, and they didn’t want to face the
      ridicule of family and friends.
      The female students also were less likely to choose science due to the stereotypes.
      Keep the jokes, they are funny. But how about making the scientists more diverse in race, gender, ability? And make some look cool, because many scientists really are cool.

    • Tommy Maq

      You mean I never told you about the two dudes who pulled off in a motor boat and shot across the bay?