12 Smart Jokes That Make You Sound Like a Genius

Do you long to be the funniest pompous twit in the room? Memorize these!

By Andy Simmons from original
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    An average performance

    A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells "We got 'em!”


    Computer Science 101

    How easy is it to count in binary? It’s as easy as 01 10 11.


    Caesar on the rocks, please

    A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

    Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”


    Not to mention trempé

    If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

    Speculative women's studies

    A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?” The linguist replied, “They'd be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”


    Om my!

    Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.


    Graduate-Level Statistics

    A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.


    The Sartre of living

    Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.”

    The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”



    Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of peaceful co-existence, the Amati family decided to put a sign in their shop window saying: “We make the best violins in Italy.” The Guarneri family soon put a sign in their window proclaiming: “We make the best violins in the world.” Finally, the Stradivarius family posted this sign outside their shop: “We make the best violins on the block.”


    Intro to Comparative Religion

    Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”

    He said, “Nobody loves me.”

    I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

    He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”

    He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me too! Protestant or Catholic?”

    He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me too! What franchise?”

    He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”

    He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”

    He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”

    He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”

    He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

    —Emo Philips


    Objectionable content

    Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.


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    Your Comments

    • hagar2935

      Worst jokes ever!!!!

    • ARShams_Reflection

      Jokes need to be more entertaining, if they can’t induce laugh, they should bring smile at least on face. – A.R.Shams’s Reflection

    • joecool

      For joke 7: Wouldn’t the average human have 2 breasts and one testicle since men have breasts too?

    • PS Miller

      I’ve got an idea. Instead of spending so much time watching worthless entertainment and pro sports, and trying to sound like a genius, why don’t people do something worthwhile and actually take a step towards being one?

    • Octavian9

      Did you hear the one about the guy who memorized these jokes? They were so funny, but he forgot to laugh.

    • KateGladstone

      In #10 … “franchise”?! Are you SURE? Don’t you mean “denomination”?

    • ColtDan

      What brings colored eggs in a basket and anesthetizes you if you breath it? The ether bunny. What brings colored eggs in a basket and usually smells nice. The ester bunny.

    • ColtDan

      Chemistry Joke Did you hear about the chemist who fell into an esterification vat? He survived, but was severely butylated.

    • Al Dente

      A few they missed. Two atoms are staggering out of a bar, One says, “wait! I think I lost an electron in there.” The second asks, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “I’m positive!” Remember, math and alcohol don’t mix. Don’t drink and derive.

      • Tommy Maq

        Q: How come you can’t trust atoms?







        A: They make up everything!