12 Smart Jokes That Make You Sound Like a Genius

Do you long to be the funniest pompous twit in the room? Memorize these!

By Andy Simmons from original
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    An average performance

    A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells "We got 'em!”

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    Computer Science 101

    How easy is it to count in binary? It’s as easy as 01 10 11.

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    Caesar on the rocks, please

    A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

    Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”

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    Not to mention trempé

    If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

    Speculative women's studies

    A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?” The linguist replied, “They'd be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

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    Om my!

    Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

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    Graduate-Level Statistics

    A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.

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    The Sartre of living

    Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.”

    The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

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    One-upmanship

    Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of peaceful co-existence, the Amati family decided to put a sign in their shop window saying: “We make the best violins in Italy.” The Guarneri family soon put a sign in their window proclaiming: “We make the best violins in the world.” Finally, the Stradivarius family posted this sign outside their shop: “We make the best violins on the block.”

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    Intro to Comparative Religion

    Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”

    He said, “Nobody loves me.”

    I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

    He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”

    He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me too! Protestant or Catholic?”

    He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me too! What franchise?”

    He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”

    He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”

    He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”

    He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”

    He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

    —Emo Philips

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    Objectionable content

    Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

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    Your Comments

    • hagar2935

      Worst jokes ever!!!!

    • ARShams_Reflection

      Jokes need to be more entertaining, if they can’t induce laugh, they should bring smile at least on face. – A.R.Shams’s Reflection

    • joecool

      For joke 7: Wouldn’t the average human have 2 breasts and one testicle since men have breasts too?

    • PS Miller

      I’ve got an idea. Instead of spending so much time watching worthless entertainment and pro sports, and trying to sound like a genius, why don’t people do something worthwhile and actually take a step towards being one?

    • Octavian9

      Did you hear the one about the guy who memorized these jokes? They were so funny, but he forgot to laugh.

    • KateGladstone

      In #10 … “franchise”?! Are you SURE? Don’t you mean “denomination”?

    • ColtDan

      What brings colored eggs in a basket and anesthetizes you if you breath it? The ether bunny. What brings colored eggs in a basket and usually smells nice. The ester bunny.

    • ColtDan

      Chemistry Joke Did you hear about the chemist who fell into an esterification vat? He survived, but was severely butylated.

    • Al Dente

      A few they missed. Two atoms are staggering out of a bar, One says, “wait! I think I lost an electron in there.” The second asks, “Are you sure?” The first replies, “I’m positive!” Remember, math and alcohol don’t mix. Don’t drink and derive.

      • Tommy Maq

        Q: How come you can’t trust atoms?

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        A: They make up everything!