12 Smart Jokes That Make You Sound Like a Genius

Do you long to be the funniest pompous twit in the room? Memorize these!

By Andy Simmons
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    An average performance

    A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells "We got 'em!”


    Computer Science 101

    How easy is it to count in binary? It’s as easy as 01 10 11.


    Caesar on the rocks, please

    A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

    Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”


    Not to mention trempé

    If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

    Speculative women's studies

    A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?” The linguist replied, “They'd be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”


    Om my!

    Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.


    Graduate-Level Statistics

    A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.


    The Sartre of living

    Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.”

    The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”



    Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of peaceful co-existence, the Amati family decided to put a sign in their shop window saying: “We make the best violins in Italy.” The Guarneri family soon put a sign in their window proclaiming: “We make the best violins in the world.” Finally, the Stradivarius family posted this sign outside their shop: “We make the best violins on the block.”


    Intro to Comparative Religion

    Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”

    He said, “Nobody loves me.”

    I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

    He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”

    He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me too! Protestant or Catholic?”

    He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me too! What franchise?”

    He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”

    He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”

    He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”

    He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”

    He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

    —Emo Philips


    Objectionable content

    Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.


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    Your Comments

    • Fred

      Why no pictures of women

      • Kool Karl

        You have to go to porno sites for that!

      • jonericson

        Maybe there are. Check the chromosomes.

      • El_Tigre_Loco

        There once was a stripper, a pip,
        Named Virginia who could peel in a zip,
        But she read science fiction,
        And died of constriction,
        Attempting a Mobius strip.

    • David Goldman

      A mathematician looks at a house. He see 2 people enter, and later sees 3 people leaves. He thinks to himself “if 1 more person enters that house, then it will be empty!”

      • Mikeyoung6

        Hey, this is the way they calculate unemployment these days.

      • J.P.

        Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Do all three of you want a beer”? The first logician says, “I don’t know”. The second says, “I don’t know”. The third says, “Yes”.

      • Your inner voice.

        I want to understand this

        • Gizmo


    • Nappy Gamer

      because the only smart people out there are middle-aged white men with glasses and goofy face.

      • Leftbehind

        Do you know me ? You just described me . :) lmao

        • Tommy100

          Me too. How did he know?

      • Kool Karl

        Don’t call me goofy!


      • tadchem

        Us OLD white men with glasses and goofy faces are flattered. :)

      • kj clark

        I am a middle-aged white female with glasses and a not so goofy face and I really liked these jokes.

      • Octavian9

        I beg to defer.

    • Sean

      I just can’t tell how funny these jokes !

      • saniarose

        not funny at all!

        • Earl Hudson III

          Well maybe your just dont have the knowledge to get them… most people dont.

    • Anthony Pollante Velicaria

      Hello RD (Y) How can I submit original jokes? Thank you (Y)

    • http://greysunsart.com/ werealherealivetodaycauseofJFK

      military cia jfkillers

    • lemonfemale

      A zen master walks up to a hotdog stand and says “Make me one with everything.”

      • Alexbensky

        The guy gives the guy his hot dog and the the Zen master gives the guy a twenty. “What about my change?” asks the Zen master and the guy replies, “Real change comes from within.”

        “What’ll you have, buddy?” asks the bartender. A tachyon walks into a bar.

        • lemonfemale

          THANK YOU!! for the follow up. I use these at work and people really laugh at two related jokes. I have gotten so much mileage out of the two Roman bar jokes, for example.
          A cop pulls Heisenberg over. “Do you know how fast you were going?” he asks. “No, but I know precisely where I am.”

          • Alexbensky

            As far as I know, the “I’ll have a martinus,” “Don’t you mean a martini?” “When I want two, I’ll tell you” originated with the Canadian comedians, Wayne and Shuster. One advantage of growing up in Detroit was getting Canadian tv.

            I think Youtube both has that skit, “Julius Casesar” done as a tough-guy detective show, and also their classic Shakespearean baseball game. That contains one of the great lines in history and I don’t think I’m quoting exactly: “Go then to thy appointed bases. Jackie to the first, Pee Wee to the second, and Richard the third.”

            • lemonfemale

              Thank you again. Shall look that up. You are a TROVE!

            • Chartreuxe

              Five years ago I lost my sole Canadian channel. I still miss is…American television is crap in comparison.

            • Octavian9

              Canadians wrote the book on TV entertainment!

      • Octavian9

        A rookie comedian sought the Comedic Zen Master at the top of the mountain and asked, “How can I become a great Stand-Up Comedian?” The Zen Master replied, “Be the joke.”

        • Octavian9

          This (tachyon) joke is hysterical!

    • Tanya Rahman

      :S social suicide

    • P

      I’ll get beat up if I tell these jokes.

      • gigiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii


      • Dokuro

        Where do you live? O-o

      • sachin shetty

        Thats why don’t tell just memorize

      • RC

        Then your environment is crap. Get out asap. Knowledge is true power.

      • William R James

        These were jokes??

    • omegaman

      Memorize what?

      • gigiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

        memerize sex

        • gigiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

          im just kidding that wasn’t me that was alondra