12 Smart Jokes That Make You Sound Like a Genius

Do you long to be the funniest pompous twit in the room? Memorize these!

By Andy Simmons
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    An average performance

    A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells "We got 'em!”

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    Computer Science 101

    How easy is it to count in binary? It’s as easy as 01 10 11.

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    Caesar on the rocks, please

    A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus. “You mean a martini?” the bartender asks. The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

    Another Roman walks into the bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers, please.”

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    Not to mention trempé

    If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

    Speculative women's studies

    A philosopher says to a linguist “What if, instead of periods, women had apostrophes?” The linguist replied, “They'd be more possessive and have more frequent contractions.”

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    Om my!

    Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

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    Graduate-Level Statistics

    A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.

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    The Sartre of living

    Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.”

    The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

    Stockbyte/Thinkstock

    One-upmanship

    Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of peaceful co-existence, the Amati family decided to put a sign in their shop window saying: “We make the best violins in Italy.” The Guarneri family soon put a sign in their window proclaiming: “We make the best violins in the world.” Finally, the Stradivarius family posted this sign outside their shop: “We make the best violins on the block.”

    iStock/Thinkstock

    Intro to Comparative Religion

    Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”

    He said, “Nobody loves me.”

    I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

    He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”

    He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me too! Protestant or Catholic?”

    He said, “Protestant.” I said, “Me too! What franchise?”

    He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”

    He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”

    He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”

    He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said, “Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879 or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”

    He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

    —Emo Philips

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    Objectionable content

    Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

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    Your Comments

    • Fred

      Why no pictures of women

      • Kool Karl

        You have to go to porno sites for that!

      • jonericson

        Maybe there are. Check the chromosomes.

      • El_Tigre_Loco

        There once was a stripper, a pip,
        Named Virginia who could peel in a zip,
        But she read science fiction,
        And died of constriction,
        Attempting a Mobius strip.

    • David Goldman

      A mathematician looks at a house. He see 2 people enter, and later sees 3 people leaves. He thinks to himself “if 1 more person enters that house, then it will be empty!”

      • Mikeyoung6

        Hey, this is the way they calculate unemployment these days.

      • J.P.

        Three logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks, “Do all three of you want a beer”? The first logician says, “I don’t know”. The second says, “I don’t know”. The third says, “Yes”.

      • Your inner voice.

        I want to understand this

    • Nappy Gamer

      because the only smart people out there are middle-aged white men with glasses and goofy face.

      • Leftbehind

        Do you know me ? You just described me . :) lmao

        • Tommy100

          Me too. How did he know?

      • Kool Karl

        Don’t call me goofy!

        Heisenberg

      • tadchem

        Us OLD white men with glasses and goofy faces are flattered. :)

      • kj clark

        I am a middle-aged white female with glasses and a not so goofy face and I really liked these jokes.

      • Octavian9

        I beg to defer.

    • Sean

      I just can’t tell how funny these jokes !

      • saniarose

        not funny at all!

    • Anthony Pollante Velicaria

      Hello RD (Y) How can I submit original jokes? Thank you (Y)

    • http://greysunsart.com/ werealherealivetodaycauseofJFK

      military cia jfkillers

    • lemonfemale

      A zen master walks up to a hotdog stand and says “Make me one with everything.”

      • Alexbensky

        The guy gives the guy his hot dog and the the Zen master gives the guy a twenty. “What about my change?” asks the Zen master and the guy replies, “Real change comes from within.”

        “What’ll you have, buddy?” asks the bartender. A tachyon walks into a bar.

        • lemonfemale

          THANK YOU!! for the follow up. I use these at work and people really laugh at two related jokes. I have gotten so much mileage out of the two Roman bar jokes, for example.
          A cop pulls Heisenberg over. “Do you know how fast you were going?” he asks. “No, but I know precisely where I am.”

          • Alexbensky

            As far as I know, the “I’ll have a martinus,” “Don’t you mean a martini?” “When I want two, I’ll tell you” originated with the Canadian comedians, Wayne and Shuster. One advantage of growing up in Detroit was getting Canadian tv.

            I think Youtube both has that skit, “Julius Casesar” done as a tough-guy detective show, and also their classic Shakespearean baseball game. That contains one of the great lines in history and I don’t think I’m quoting exactly: “Go then to thy appointed bases. Jackie to the first, Pee Wee to the second, and Richard the third.”

            • lemonfemale

              Thank you again. Shall look that up. You are a TROVE!

            • Chartreuxe

              Five years ago I lost my sole Canadian channel. I still miss is…American television is crap in comparison.

            • Octavian9

              Canadians wrote the book on TV entertainment!

      • Octavian9

        A rookie comedian sought the Comedic Zen Master at the top of the mountain and asked, “How can I become a great Stand-Up Comedian?” The Zen Master replied, “Be the joke.”

        • Octavian9

          This (tachyon) joke is hysterical!

    • Tanya Rahman

      :S social suicide

    • P

      I’ll get beat up if I tell these jokes.

      • gigiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

        jajaja/

      • Dokuro

        Where do you live? O-o

      • sachin shetty

        Thats why don’t tell just memorize

      • RC

        Then your environment is crap. Get out asap. Knowledge is true power.

      • William R James

        These were jokes??

    • omegaman

      Memorize what?

      • gigiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

        memerize sex

        • gigiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

          im just kidding that wasn’t me that was alondra