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13 Things Marriage Counselors Know About Your Relationship

Counselors across the country weigh in on what they are really thinking during couples therapy.

By Michelle Crouch from Reader's Digest
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1) I love couples who fight in the waiting room. At least they still care about each other. If one or both of you seem indifferent, my job is a lot harder.

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2) When you say your feelings "just aren't there anymore," I know you're probably cheating.

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3) Sometimes I'll tell a couple "no sex until the next session. Don't touch each other, period." What I'm really hoping is that they'll fail and feel a sense of unity from their mutual rebellion.

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4) It may make you feel better to talk about your marriage issues with a good friend, but it will just make things worse. Never talk to outsiders about things in your marriage that you haven't already talked about with your spouse.

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5) I'm not going to tell a couple that I have no idea why they're together. But take the hint if I say something like "You both have to make a decision about whether this is going to work long term."

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6) What do I wish I could say? "Grow up!" "Stop whining!" "Get a life!" When I feel this way, I know I need a vacation.

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7) Don't try to convince me you're the good one. In most marriages, there isn't a good one.

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8) Yes, you should go to bed angry. If you try to resolve everything before you hit the sack, you'll both be sleep-deprived and cranky the next day. Instead, get a good night's sleep and talk once you're rested.

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9) Three signs that a couple is not going to succeed: name-calling, finger-pointing, and when one or both partners fail to accept even the tiniest bit of responsibility for the situation.

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10) Sometimes two people love each other but have such different styles of living that I recommend they live together in a duplex. It sounds strange, but it works for some people.

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11) I've seen couples I thought didn't stand a chance end up staying together. Often it's because they're both willing to try. But sometimes it's just that they are too dysfunctional to leave each other.

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12) The big thing most women don't understand: Men are not mind readers. If you don't tell him how you feel, he's not going to know. The big thing most men don't understand: If you hardly acknowledge your wife all day, she's not going to want to get intimate with you at night.

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13) If I ask you how long you've had problems and your answer is "ten years," you're not going to change things in ten minutes or ten sessions.

Plus: More Secrets Your Marriage Counselor Won't Tell You

Sources: Jeff Palitz, a marriage and family therapist in Chula Vista, California; Susan Fletcher, PhD, a psychologist in Dallas; Tina B. Tessina, PhD, a psychotherapist in Long Beach, California; Nancy Mramor, PhD, in Pittsburgh; Karen Sherman, PhD, in New York; Lawrence J. Levy, PsyD, a licensed psychologist in Boca Raton, Florida; Meghan L. Reitz, LCPC, NCC, in Schaumburg, Illinois; and a marriage counselor in Pennsylvania.

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Your Comments

  • Angelbetty1985

    yes it helps

  • Moslehirad1

    Hi, Can somebody tell me about his or her marriage failure? I want to use their method to leave my wife. herrrrrrrrrrr

    • Surprised

      If you really want to dump her you don’t need help from anybody. Call us marriage counsellors if you think otherwise.

    • Lchamilton2

      Just pack your s*** and leave… with your attitude its already over just get  on out the door

    • Asd

      hop on the bus Gus no need to be coy Roy

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XC5P6V5J4VI5ADOZXVR24F74OE Howard Latchford

      I can tell you about marriage success.  I have walked the walk for 46 years and am very happy with it.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_3SHQPT5WYGAV6P43LZUM7WGQ5Y ✡v p✞

    I disagree-God says “Don’t let the sun go down on your wrath.” HE knows everything! :)

    • MelanieKF

      He also said He protects His children under His wings. Does that mean God is actually a bird? Or maybe…just maybe…that was a figure of speech about not stewing in your juices for long periods of time and not a literal command about resolving issues before 9pm?

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_XC5P6V5J4VI5ADOZXVR24F74OE Howard Latchford

      God seems to think the sun goes around the earth, but we know that isn’t true.
      God is supposed to be in charge of everything, so he is also responsible for the bad stuff like tornadoes, earthquakes, tsunamis, etc.  He supposedly knows the future, so it is all fixed and unchangeable.  What is the point in praying if the game is already fixed?  Is it all some sort of cosmic game, or just a silly fable? 

  • Angels02

    I will state unequivocally that anyone in true need of saving their relationship should go to one man & one only, Mort Fertel. He’s on the web under Marriage Fitness or Marriage Boot Camp. While quite expensive, there are ways to get on board. We’ve only been able to afford 2 phone sessions & the boot camp & materials, but I’d say if you want to stay together, you need him & no one else! He has a “we’re not going to give up” approach to the problems. Only one spouse has to attend if you have an obstinate or unwilling partner. I just wish we could’ve continued because I believe no one can help but him. Check him out & you’ll see what I mean. Mort has been there, done that & does not believe in throwing in the towel. It’s hard to find a couples therapist that doesn’t have the idea, let’s see if we can still make this work…Mort says, stick with me & the program & you’ll be more in love than ever. He’s right.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Paul-Kersey/100000186648403 Paul Kersey

    Call me old school, but I think marriage went south was when men started doing the house work, I think women lose respect for a man when he cleans up. Also, fix everything your self, the ladies love it when you get dirty and come in the housue and say, “honey its fixed”. She’ll give you a big hug and say “thanks”. When you akways call another man to come in to fix household problems they start looking at you as weak, I don’t care how much money you make, its still true,  they won’t admit it but its true. Also for the men, give them some crap about the house once in awhile, they like it and will try harder!!

    • Amanda

      It’s not that my husband doesn’t do housework (although I’d love it if he’d take out the trash/recycling once in a while).  Nor that he doesn’t fix things (I do all the building/fixing/painting/yard work/etc.).   What gets me is that he works (mostly from home, and not usually a 40-hour week), and that is IT.  His view is, “I make money, what else do you want?”  I’d like to have a conversation sometimes.  I’d like him to sometimes play with the kid.  I’d like to hear “Happy Birthday” or “Merry Christmas” once in a while (gifts not required!  Just some sort of acknowledgement…)

    • Stark Jessie

      After 50 years of marriage to the same man I can say you  are wrong about thinking a woman loses respect for a man who cleans.Grownups clean up their own messes. After 50 years of housecleaning I love it if he loads the dishwasher or vacumns.  Also I love him when he fixes things but admire his self confidence when he sees the wisdom of paying someone else to fix things if it saves time and or money.Whatever gives men the idea that because they were born male that they are suppose to know how to do everything or too good to clean. Compliments get more results than bellyaching.
      She likes to be appreciated as much as you do.

    • Just Saying

      Could not agree with you more if I tried sir.

    • Tara

       @ Paul Kersey :
      Are you serious with that comment?! A REAL man helps his wife around the house, appreciates what she does so he doesn’t have too, knows when he’s over his head when it comes to repairs, and does not give his wife “some crap about the house once in awhile”. (Or at least a smart man doesn’t) Woman do not like that, it pisses us off and does not make us “try harder”. I wouldn’t call you old fashioned, I’d call you a chauvinistic jerk.

  • Bill Deacon

    I’ve finally decided that the woman I is right.  It’s all my fault, after trying every strategy, therapy, step group, church and tactic available, I told my last wife “If you stay, I will spend the rest of my life trying to make you happy.”  She said “You’d make it about three days.”  I decided she was right.  There was nothing I could do to make her happy for more than about three days.  Now we are divorced.  I am free and enjoying life again, she is still miserable and a fading beauty with no money and no honey.  What a terrible waste because all I ever wanted was someone to be true and to love and be loved.