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TwitThisTaking Cues From Kids
"Human survival has always depended on accurate feedback," says Russell Barkley, PhD, professor of psychiatry at SUNY Upstate Medical University in Syracuse, New York. When we're not making the grade, the brain knows it instantly, says Barkley, "and sends a barrage of warnings: 'work harder,' 'come up with a new plan,' or 'slow down, you're making a mistake.' " We literally can't fool ourselves, or even be fooled, into thinking everything's great when it's not. So "kids don't gain anything from syrup," says Barkley.As Jennifer Theodore, the mother of four-year-old Will, realized, overdoing the praise can backfire. "Instead of telling my son that everything he does is a masterpiece, now I'll challenge him and say, 'What else can you do?' Or we'll discuss why we like some pictures better. He may be little, but he knows when he's doing something well and when he's trying hard."
That's true of kids in general, say the experts -- and also true when they're not performing up to snuff. If a child's not doing well, he tends to know it. "Children have an uncanny knack for the truth," writes Elisabeth Guthrie -- even very young children.
When a parent swoops in, however, kids' self-awareness is disrupted, and they can't practice finding their own answers. "Parents who overdo may have a child who doesn't engage in the thinking process," says Laura Berk, distinguished professor of psychology at Illinois State University and author of Awakening Children's Minds.
Instead of moving in quickly and forcefully, parents should take their cues from kids on when they need help. Psychologists call this background support "scaffolding." "There's a universal human need to master tasks on one's own, a drive to excel," says Berk. "When parents overstep the boundaries, they risk trampling natural self-motivation," she adds. Instead, it's our job as adults to make sure kids know we expect them to perform and behave.
Some of the words out of the mouths of babes reflect the innate need for autonomy. "I do it," and the all-too- familiar "No!" translate to "Back off! I need to work on this even if I get it wrong." (Parents, of course, may indeed have to help out little ones a lot of the time.) Children as young as 18 months old signal their inborn drive and competency needs by talking out loud to themselves in a motivating way. "When you eavesdrop on this private speech," says Berk, "you get insight into what the child finds challenging, what she wants to master." By the preschool years, this private speech begins to be internalized.
But not silenced: Self-communication remains a major tool of self-regulation. In the best cases, the core inner-voice message is I think I can. I think I can. "Yes -- just like The Little Engine That Could," says Berk. Parents scaffold that message of optimism when they let kids in on their own inner speech and everyday strategies. A mom might mention to a child, for example: "This is a hard recipe. I think it'll be easier if I start by chopping all the vegetables."
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