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A teacher's comments in red on tests or papers, once considered instructive because the color makes you take notice, are fading away. Now, in places like New York City, Pittsburgh, and Trumbull, Connecticut, schools have abandoned the urgent red color for tones like blue or purple."My first-graders freak out when they see red," says McGhie Calahan, a teacher in Crossville, Tennessee. "I use blue or black to make comments. They're less harsh."
At an after-school sports program he attended when he was six, my son, Charlie, was awarded a trophy simply for participating. Every kid received a trophy and every trophy had its own inscription. The award my then-scruffy little boy received -- and he could barely lace his hockey skates at the time -- was for "Neatness."
Like most preschoolers, Will Theodore of Westford, Massachusetts, likes to draw, especially for his mom, Jennifer. At first she oohed and aahed over his every creation. His drawings were clever, amazing, works of art, she'd exclaim. One day after the four-year-old had placed a few squiggly lines on a page, he blurted to her, "Look, isn't this just beautiful?"
Time for a reality check. In our zeal to create a great childhood for our kids -- one in which they feel happy, safe and successful -- many parents and teachers are going to extremes. Determined to do anything -- anything -- to make life better for their children, parents have fallen for the myth that they can create a perfect childhood. They're called helicopter parents, hovering over their kids and micromanaging their lives. They've bought into the myth that a child's self-esteem depends on never having even the slightest adversity, upset or setback.
But the "no more tears" approach to raising kids is doing more harm than parents and teachers realize.
"Of course we love our kids like crazy," says Betsy Hart, a Chicago-area mother of four and author of It Takes a Parent. "But when we idolize -- and idealize -- them, we're not doing them any favors." In fact, the result of these good intentions is often just the opposite.
Kids can't nourish their true identities or feel good about their accomplishments if we feed them junk praise that bloats their egos and leaves them hungry for real self-awareness. There's strong scientific evidence that undeserved praise can do long-term harm, especially when doled out to malleable teenagers. What's more, kids with a solution-minded parent constantly lurking don't develop the mettle to solve life's inevitable problems.
"Mistakes are experiences that prepare youngsters for their futures," says Robert Brooks, PhD, of Harvard Medical School and co-author of Raising Resilient Children. "When parents rush to the rescue or take over, it sends the message, 'I don't think you're competent to handle things. I'm not sure I trust you to succeed.' "
Experts agree: To have a fuller, more competent life as adults, we need the freedom to fail a little more often as children. We need the freedom to make mistakes. Only then can we learn to succeed.
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