Finally, a Funny Sequester Story

In honor of sequestration Day, we’re dropping the hatchet on all our jokes.

Due to sequestration, automatic cuts will start taking a chunk out of the federal budget starting today. In sympathy with the government’s plight, Reader’s Digest’s humor department will be indiscriminately slashing its jokes all day.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken takes out a cigarette and begins to smoke. The egg rolls over, pulls up the blanket and says, “Well, I guess …” DUE TO SEQUESTRATION, THE PUNCHLINE FOR THIS JOKE HAS BEEN CUT.

Q: DUE TO SEQUESTRATION, THE SET UP FOR THIS JOKE HAS BEEN CUT.
A: A Doberman Pinscher.

Two idiots are driving. At the top of a steep hill, they start going down it very fast. DUE TO SEQUESTRATION, THE FIRST IDIOT FROM THIS JOKE HAS BEEN CUT The other idiot replies, “Don’t worry. There’s a stop sign ahead.”

How many blondes does it take to screw in a DUE TO SEQUESTRATION, THE LIGHTBULB HAS BEEN REMOVED FROM THIS JOKE.

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
DUE TO SEQUESTRATION, THE ORANGE HAS BEEN CHANGED TO 
ONE RAISIN. Raisin.
Raisin who?
Raisin you glad I didn't say banana!

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Funny Jokes

Some people like to travel by train because 
it combines the slowness of a car with the cramped public exposure of 
an airplane.

Dennis Miller

Funny Jokes

I think my pilot was a little inexperienced. We were sitting on the runway, and he said, “OK, folks, we’re gonna be taking off in a just few—whoa! Here we go.”

Kevin Nealon

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“I can’t wait until your vacation is over.” 
—Everyone following you on Instagram

@kristencarney

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A man knocked on my door and asked for a donation toward the local swimming pool. So I gave him a glass of water.

Comedian Greg Davies

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Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.

@sixthformpoet

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Client: We need you to log in to the YouTube and make all our company videos viral.

From clientsfromhell.net

Funny Jokes

My cat just walked up to the paper shredder and said, “Teach me 
everything you know.”

@NicCageMatch

Funny Jokes

“Just because you can’t dance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” 
—Alcohol

@yoyoha (Josh Hara)

Funny Jokes

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.

—Jerry Seinfeld

Funny Jokes

Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?

A: A mechanic.

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