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When We Meet at the Pearly Gates
People say we can still laugh together. There are things to laugh about in the hospice, as there are in every situation. When my lawyer, Bob Barnett, came to visit, I told him, "If you can get me seven million dollars for my book like you got for Hillary Clinton, I'll start dialysis."Many wonderful people have visited me. Since I have only one leg, I can flirt with the girls and they aren't afraid to flirt back. It's a wonderful game.
John Glenn has come to see me. So has Tom Brokaw, many times. Russell Baker has visited me, and Walter Cronkite has been here, which was wonderful because he's the most trusted man in America. Eunice Shriver has stopped by; so has her daughter, Maria. Since I'm name-dropping, the Queen of Swaziland also visited with an entourage of ten beautiful women.
There were people who showed up that I couldn't have cared less about. There were others who crashed the gate. They brought me gifts, toys, soup and coffee cake. I couldn't turn them away.
One lady brought me computer printouts of every single item that came up about me in a Google search. My doctor gave me a stuffed iguana. My three-year-old grandson brought a brightly colored stuffed grouper fish.
Other people gave me paintings and sculpture. I was tempted to open an account with eBay. Photos were also popular, particularly if they were pictures from my past. I pasted many on the walls in my room. Several were of lady friends. Each one thought her photo should have the prime location.
People just couldn't believe I was having so much fun. The word began to spread that if you want a good time, head to the Washington Hospice.
At the hospice, one of the games we play is connected to a favorite recent book of mine, The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom. It gets one thinking about the five people. I give it a lot of thought.
So far, the people on my list are: Ava Gardner, Grace Kelly, Marilyn Monroe, Rita Hayworth and Judas. I don't get much response concerning the women, but there is always hesitation when Judas's name comes up.
"Why Judas?" people say. "What would you say to him?"
I would ask him about his personal relationship with Jesus. Were they really good buddies, as written in Judas's gospel? Or was he a turncoat?
The evidence for Judas being a good guy is very slim. We just have the Judas scroll and Leonardo da Vinci's The Last Supper. For centuries, when people have studied the painting, they have noticed that Judas doesn't seem to be enjoying his wine. Leonardo has 12 disciples painted at Passover, but when you look at them, it's hard to decide which one betrayed Jesus.
The Judas scroll is very interesting. It reveals that Jesus asked Judas to betray him. That way, Jesus could fulfill the prophecy and go to heaven to rise again. For 2,000 years, Judas has been accused of being anti-Semitic. When I get to heaven, I hope I can change all this. Come to think of it, I could talk Leonardo into doing a new painting. It would be called The Da Vinci Code.
Everybody seems to have different people they want to meet in heaven. Some of the most popular choices are Abraham Lincoln, Cary Grant, Napoleon and Madame Curie.
A friend of mine, Albert, asked me why we couldn't list the people we do not want to meet in heaven. He pointed out it's a game people would love to play, and of course, the list is much longer.
Now, start writing down the names of people you don't want to meet in heaven. You can eliminate people you don't believe would make it in the first place -- Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Jack the Ripper and Al Capone.
It's much more fun to select people who have been involved in your life. I'm still working on my list. There's the coed who dumped me for a fraternity jock, the lady who hijacked my parking space at the mall and laughed when she got out of the car, the insurance claims adjuster who wouldn't pay for damages to my house, and the Japanese soldier whose life I spared in the Pacific during World War II and who later sold me a Honda.
After nearly five months in the hospice, I find out I'm not going to heaven immediately. My doctor informs me that I can stop over at my home on Martha's Vineyard. For reasons even the doctors can't explain, what started out as a three-week deathwatch turned into five months of living, eating and laughing with friends. Because of all the publicity I'd gotten, the National Hospice Foundation made me their man of the year.
The truth is that I've had such a good time at the hospice, I'm going to miss it. I never realized dying could be so much fun.
I called up the TV stations and newspapers and asked if they would like to make a correction and retract their original story. They said they never correct stories about people who claimed they were dying and didn't. So this is where I am now. I'm still seeing friends, but instead of saying farewell, we discuss the Redskins.
I don't know how long I'll be here on Martha's Vineyard. But if nothing else, I know I made an awful lot of people happy. So I hope you don't feel you were duped. The moral of the story is, Never trust your kidneys.
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