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Drastic Measures
By then, several psychotropic medications had been prescribed for Daniel. Some were useless; others seemed to help stabilize his wildly shifting moods. None of them, though, could treat his most serious diagnosis -- reactive attachment disorder, a condition that prevents the sufferer from bonding with others."An attachment-disordered child believes, I am bad, unwanted, worthless and unlovable," wrote psychotherapists Terry Levy and Michael Orlans in a medical journal article Heidi found online. The result, the authors continued, is a profound sense of alienation that leads to anger and violence. In short, Daniel was unable to love. While the disorder is rare, it is routinely found in abused children, including the thousands adopted in the United States every year from warehouse-style Eastern European orphanages.
In recent years, under enormous pressure from Western governments and with help from several nonprofit organizations, Romania has taken steps to improve the care of its abandoned children. Though conditions in some institutions are still appalling, Romanian Children's Relief, a U.S.-based group that works in the region, has helped close many of the worst and place their occupants with foster families or in group homes. The orphanage where Daniel lived now caters to teens and has been modernized to resemble a college dormitory.
Those changes came too late to help Daniel, and treating attachment disorder can be not only difficult but also controversial. Some versions of attachment therapy, as it is called, involve physical restraint. In 2000 a ten-year-old girl was smothered to death in Colorado by two therapists, now in prison, who wrapped her in a flannel sheet as part of a "rebirthing" meant to cure her.
But by the summer of 1999, Heidi was ready for drastic measures. She contacted Ronald Federici, a Virginia neuropsychologist who recommended a gentler but nonetheless demanding treatment. For two solid months, Heidi would stay within three feet of Daniel at all times. He wasn't to ask for anything, only to accept the food and clothes she handed him. Most important, her son was required to make appropriate eye contact every time the two interacted. The idea was to re-create a version of the mother-baby bond they had never developed.
"For the first few weeks, I absolutely hated my mom as much as you can hate a person," Daniel says. Eventually he began to change. He came to understand that Heidi and Rick weren't his biological parents, and somehow the intense togetherness made the awareness sink in more deeply. His anger dissipated. After eight weeks, his violent outbursts had stopped and he'd quit trying to hurt himself or anyone else.
Still, Daniel's churning emotions surfaced in different ways. He turned to more passive-aggressive behavior: He ate dinner as slowly as possible and began stealing things. Compared with what Heidi and Rick had been through, however, this seemed manageable. So the couple did something even Rick has called insane: They adopted another Eastern European orphan boy. Two-year-old Alexander Joseph -- A.J. -- arrived from Ukraine to join the family when Daniel was 12.
Instantly, Daniel became jealous. He began playing with matches and, at one point, threatened to kill himself. In desperation, Heidi and Rick tried another kind of attachment therapy. Every evening, they sat Daniel, by now a good-sized 13-year-old, on one of their laps. They fed him ice cream and didn't let him go until he'd made eye contact and talked to them. There was no breakthrough moment, but over months of the ritual, coupled with intensive professional therapy, Daniel underwent a transformation.
He began to appreciate how much his parents had done for him and to realize they loved him. He started to open up, stopped stealing and made a few friends. And his relationship
with A.J., who struggled with his own behavioral problems -- including hyperactivity and a mild version of attachment disorder -- improved. Daniel began to take pride in being an older brother, even babysitting A.J. at times.
With Heidi's encouragement, Daniel also began to help others. He became a leader in his temple's youth group, built homes with Habitat for Humanity and began training as a volunteer firefighter. Two years ago, to everyone's astonishment, he received his synagogue's award for most outstanding high school student. He accepted the award in a speech to some 300 people. In it, Daniel told of his early life in the orphanage and thanked Heidi and Rick for everything. Then, his voice choking with emotion, he spoke the words his parents feared they would never hear from him: "I love you."
"It was, hands down, the most amazing moment of my life," says Heidi.
Daniel's struggles aren't over. He's still in therapy. And while he is perfectly articulate in conversation, he has trouble reading and writing. Nonetheless, he's on track to graduate from high school this summer. College isn't a realistic option, but Daniel has other plans: He hopes to become a professional firefighter. He's learned firsthand what it means to give -- even risk -- everything for someone else. Now he wants to be the one to put that lesson into practice.
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