Nothing bucks up our spirits more than knowing there are people dumber than we are. Except maybe knowing there are lots of them. Vote for the dumbest human now.
DUMB ON THE JOB
Presenting … The Great Narcissus!
Joanna Kirchmeier arrived at her London home only to find her husband, Helmut, in front of a mirror “just staring at himself, his pupils tiny.” Helmut, a newly trained hypnotist, had accidentally hypnotized himself while rehearsing a new act and had been standing like that for five hours.
Source: London Telegraph
No Shirt/No Hands/No Service
A Florida bank refused to let a man born without arms cash his wife’s check, even though he provided two forms of identification. The reason given: He couldn’t provide a thumbprint. Source: (Cleveland) Plain Dealer
The Hottest Show on Cable
Zurich firefighters were called to the home of an elderly woman who reported that her television set was on fire. When they arrived, they found her TV tuned to a live feed of a fireplace. “The fire was extinguished with the press of a button,” said a police spokesperson. Source: Associated Press
Scalpel … Forceps … Pink Slip …
When a Madison, Wisconsin, hospital decided to lay off 90 employees, executives there wanted to get it over with quickly. Butthe timing for one nurse wasn’t ideal. She was dismissed during surgery. Source: allheadlinenews.com
Next: DUMB IN GOVERNMENT
DUMB IN GOVERNMENT
If You Disagree, Hiss
The city of Wheeling, Illinois, plans to build a $1.2 million paved bike-and-pedestrian path. People who use the path will most likely spend much of their time jogging, as it happens to run adjacent to the habitat of the highly poisonous Eastern massasauga rattlesnake. Source: St. Louis Today
Fuzzy Wuzzy Wuzn’t Marxist, Wuz He?
The Texas Board of Education banned the book Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See? because the author, Bill Martin Jr., has the same name as a Marxist theorist. No one bothered to check whether they were indeed one and the same person. Source: Huffington Post
Let’s Just Call It Lake C
The Webster, Massachusetts, Chamber of Commerce has discovered that the name of the town lake has been misspelled on signs for years. The lake they incorrectly spelled Chargoggagoggmanchaoggagoggchaubunaguhgamaugg is actually spelled Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg.Source: Worcester (Massachusetts)
Telegram & Gazette
Russia’s finance minister, Alexei Kudrin, knows a way to generate taxes and goose his country’s sluggish economy: Everyone should drink and smoke more. “If you smoke a pack of cigarettes, that means you are giving more to help solve social problems,” he said. Source: CBS News
Next: DUMB LOVE
No Way to Gitmo
Action A Saudi woman filed for
divorce from her husband of 17 years after peeking through the contacts in his cell phone. Next to her phone number, she found the nickname Guantanamo. Source: London Telegraph
A Whole Lot of Love
Last July, Richard Barton Jr., of Grand Rapids, Michigan, got married and posted the photos on Facebook. One of the people viewing the pictures was Barton’s first wife, who decided to call the cops. Why? She says she was still his wife because they were separated but never divorced. Barton, who claims he signed divorce papers, was arrested on charges of polygamy. Source: mlive.com
But She Has a Great Personality
President Ian Khama of Botswana is looking for a wife, but only slim, beautiful women need apply. Pointing to a heavyset government official, Khama said, “I don’t want one like her. She may fail to pass through the door, break furniture with her heavy weight, and even break the vehicle’s shock absorber.” Source: ABC News
Next: DUMB LAWSUITS
And Here’s the Kicker
On her way home from having dinner and drinks, Melanie Shaker of Chicago got angry with her husband and tried to kick him. Instead, she crashed through the window of a beauty salon, suffering several deep cuts. So naturally she sued the salon. Part of her argument: The store’s plate glass window, which fronts a sidewalk “frequently traveled by intoxicated pedestrians,” should have been stronger. Source: wbbm780.com (Chicago)
And to Prove the Point …
An Australian man was ordered to pony up $500 in court costs after he lost his lawsuit against his ex-wife. He’d taken her to court hoping the judge would order her to remove this bumper sticker from her car: “Men are idiots. I divorced the king!” Source: news.com.au
A Fort Lee, New Jersey, woman is
suing WABC-TV in New York for broadcasting the wrong winning lottery numbers. Rakel Daniele experienced the thrill of victory when the station called out her numbers, only to feel the agony of defeat days later when she learned the TV station was mistaken. Broadcasting the wrong numbers, she claimed in her suit, went “beyond all possible bounds of decency” and was “utterly intolerable in a civilized community.” Source: northjersey.com
Victory Is Not in the Bag
After arresting Craig Clark Show on charges of drunken driving, Idaho state troopers opened a medicine bag he had with him. Show considered suing the state police and county sheriff’s office, claiming that a medicine woman had blessed the bag, and by opening it, cops destroyed its mystical powers—but in the end, he thought better of it. Source: Bonner County (Idaho) Daily Bee
Hold the Cactus!
A Miami diner ordered the grilled artichoke special from the restaurant’s menu and ended up in the hospital with stomach pains. He’s now suing the restaurant, Houston’s, for not warning him that he shouldn’t eat the artichoke’s tough, pointy leaves. Source: foodanddrinkdigital.com
Next: DUMB VICTIMS
Cruisin’ and Losin’
An iPod was stolen from a convertible outside a Walmart. The owner, said police, locked the doors, rolled up the windows, and turned on the alarm … but left the top down. Source: Shelbyville (Tennessee) Times-Gazette; submitted by Barbara Landis
Putting the “Dip” in Diplomat
Three men in Kansas City, Missouri, were convicted of selling phony diplomatic cards, which, they told their victims, granted them “Ambassador” status. For $450 to $2,000, the bearers of the card were told, they would be exempt from paying U.S. taxes as well as all traffic and parking fines. Source: state.gov
The owner of a Mount Kisco, New York, computer shop convinced a customer that his computer virus was part of an evil plot by Polish priests linked to the religious organization Opus Dei, authorities say. The priests were a threat to not only the man’s family, he insisted, but also to the entire United States. The best safeguard: regular credit card charges amounting to some $6 million over six years paid to the owner—who insisted he was working with the CIA—to ensure protection from the priests. (The owner has pleaded not guilty.) Source: nytimes.com
Next: DUMB CRIMINALS, PART 1
DUMB CRIMINALS, PART 1
Dude, Where’s My Getaway Car?
An Aiken, South Carolina, man robbed a clerk at a convenience store, then jumped into his getaway vehicle and took off. Police had little trouble catching up with him a short distance away. He was driving a Craftsman riding lawn mower. Source: aikenstandard.com
Third Time’s a Bust
The PNC Bank in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, was allegedly robbed twice by the same man. The suspect was finally nabbed when he returned a third time to check his account balance. Source: (Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania) Patriot-News
Anyone Got Change for an $80 Bill?
Found in Phoenix: The greediest bank robber ever! During a stickup, he told the teller to hand over “all the twenties, forties, and sixties.” Source: times-herald.com
Pickup or Delivery?
A Connecticut bank received a strange phone call. It was from a pair of would-be robbers requesting that the bank prepare a bag of money for them to pick up a few minutes later. When they arrived, the men found the police waiting instead. Source: Associated Press
The Back-to-Jail Special
Two men were arrested for shoplifting at a back-to-school event at an office supply store. Their careful planning was thwarted by one small detail: It was the annual “Shop with a Cop” day, when about 60 police officers show up to help children pick out school supplies. Source: oregonlive.com
Next: DUMB IN SPORTS
DUMB IN SPORTS
Something’s Fishy Here Robby Rose lost his first-place medal and was charged with a felony after it was discovered that he’d cheated in a Texas fishing tournament by stuffing a one-pound weight down the throat of a bass he’d caught. Officials became suspicious when they placed Rose’s fish in a tank and it sank to the bottom. Source: Dallas Morning News
In honor of Remembrance Day—when British Commonwealth countries honor their fallen veterans—the Scottish soccer team Airdrie United found the perfect photograph for its program cover: World War II–era nurses handing water to grinning Allied troops. Accompanying it were the words Lest we forget and Supporting our heroes. It was very moving, even though it was actually a photo of World War II–era German nurses handing water to grinning Nazi soldiers. Source: news.com.au
Pitching a Fit
While walking down steps at Denver’s Coors Field last July, San Diego Padres pitcher Mat Latos was injured and subsequently placed on the 15-day disabled list. He hurt himself trying to stifle a sneeze. Source: msn.foxsports.com
Next: DUMB CELEBRITIES
“That’s why I don’t eat friggin’ lobster. Because they’re alive when you kill it.” Snookie, from Jersey Shore
“I just use Listerine. Sometimes I’ll use my sweater.” Jessica Simpson, on not brushing her teeth
“I am on a drug—it’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it, you will die. Your face will melt off, and your children will weep over your exploded body.”
“Right now, I’m trying to just finish my record and get through the last season of Gossip Girl. So not so much thinking about that.” Actress Taylor Momsen, when asked what she was doing to help Haiti after the devastating earthquake
“I know for a fact it’s not in my destiny to die listening to a Britney Spears album, so I always put that on in my [headphones] when I’m flying.” Actress Megan Fox
Next: DUMB CRIMINALS, PART 2
DUMB CRIMINALS, PART 2
In Dios We Trust
Two counterfeiters were arrested with fake $100 bills. The clue that gave them away: the Spanish words Billete De La Suerte Alasitas—or roughly translated “Lucky Money”—printed on the front.
This Is Your Brain on Drugs
A 21-year-old man
called the police after suspecting he’d just been ripped off. The marijuana he had purchased from a street dealer, he told cops, tasted “nasty,” and he wanted them to confirm that the weed was real. Luckily for him, it wasn’t.
Source: Pittsburgh Post-Gazette
Make Yourself at Home
After a man kicked in the front door of a Texas home at 3:30 a.m., the resident fled and called police. When cops arrived, they were surprised to find that the intruder hadn’t stolen a thing. Even more surprising: They found him in the bathroom, enjoying a warm bath.
Source: Associated Press
Beware of Human
As a burglar tried to enter the home of a Georgia woman, she took matters into her own hands. Getting on all fours, she barked and scratched feverishly at the door. The thief was last seen running from the porch.
Source: Athens (Georgia) Banner-Herald