25 Funny Marriage Quotes That Might Actually Be True
Wise words and wisecracks that capture what it's like to tie the knot.
Where did all the love go?!
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." —Mae West
Just try not to be too sarcastic—or else you'll need these 8 tips to avoid marriage counseling sooner rather than later.
You're never right
"To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up."—Ogden Nash
The wife—er, the customer—is always right. Isn't that how the saying goes?
It takes a village
"Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now I have six children and no theories."—John Wilmot
As these funny marriage quotes will tell you, raising kids can be tough on any marriage. You'll probably want to know what these couples wish they'd known before having children.
Ham every which way
"The definition of eternity is two people and a ham."—Dorothy Parker
Life (and marriage!) is so long. Take it from these couples who have been married 50+ years and are doling out advice (with a side of funny marriage quotes).
I'm sorry, where do I have to live?
"Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?" —Groucho Marx
Yikes! This doesn't sound like an appealing way to live at all. It may be best to check out these 8 marriage myths you can safely ignore.
Being neighbors is cool, too
"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should just live next door and visit now and then."—Katherine Hepburn
We have to say, we don't hate the idea of this living arrangement.
You never know what you're totally in for!
"Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl."—Stephen Leacock
If you believe these funny marriage quotes, you might want to take in these pieces of marriage advice that every couple should read.
Marriage is forever
"An archeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her."—Agatha Christie
Who can argue with this logic?
A case study in marriage
"By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher."—Socrates
You might want to check out these pieces of marriage advice from divorced people if you feel like this funny marriage quote applies to you.
Sorry, but your hopes are too high
"Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed."—Albert Einstein
In other words, maybe take a look at these 7 expert-backed tips to get the love you want.
Why fight over the bathroom sink?
"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end."—Catherine Zeta-Jones
Yep, we have to agree—life's just easier when you're not battling your spouse for use of the bathroom mirror.
Just take a nap
"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards."—Benjamin Franklin
Or just go to sleep all together—who's really paying attention?
Can you handle slow or—gasp!—no Wi-Fi?
"Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are."—Will Ferrell
Do you really know another person until you've seen them get through an Internet outage? We think not.
Maybe don't get married at all
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."—Rodney Dangerfield
Oof, don't ruin a good thing by adding marriage to it!
It's all downhill from here
"All my friends are getting married. I guess I'm just at that age where people give up."—Amy Schumer
“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash
Ah, the age-old runaround. These funny marriage quotes have nothing on this 1950s marriage advice that still applies today.
Chores are pretty important, too
“Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers
And take those trash cans to the curb, too.
How many mistakes can you make?
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
The itch is unavoidable
“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”—Yoko Ono
Is it getting a little itchy in this relationship, or is it us?
And dry them, too
“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.'”—Anonymous
And better yet, throw in some laundry and vacuuming while you're at it. These funny marriage quotes highlight just some of the things that can change after you get married.
So annoying, it's endearing
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”—Rita Rudner
Come on, annoying you is the highlight of this marriage!
“Love is a lot like a backache; It doesn’t show up on X-Rays, But you know it’s there.” —George Burns
The shopping risk is pretty high
“We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops”—Henry Yougman
“A guy knows he’s in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.” —Tim Allen
But don't be surprised if attention turns back to the car fairly soon.
Rewind that, please
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly