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25 Funny Marriage Quotes That Might Actually Be True

Wise words and wisecracks that capture what it's like to tie the knot.

15 Funny Marriage Quotes That Might Actually Be

Why fight over the bathroom sink?

"For marriage to be a success, every woman and every man should have her and his own bathroom. The end."—Catherine Zeta-Jones

Yep, we have to agree—life's just easier when you're not battling your spouse for use of the bathroom mirror.

15 Funny Marriage Quotes That Might Actually Be

Just take a nap

"Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards."—Benjamin Franklin

Or just go to sleep all together—who's really paying attention?

15 Funny Marriage Quotes That Might Actually Be

Can you handle slow or—gasp!—no Wi-Fi?

"Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are."—Will Ferrell

Do you really know another person until you've seen them get through an Internet outage? We think not.

15 Funny Marriage Quotes That Might Actually Be

Maybe don't get married at all

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."—Rodney Dangerfield

Oof, don't ruin a good thing by adding marriage to it!

15 Funny Marriage Quotes That Might Actually Be

It's all downhill from here

"All my friends are getting married. I guess I'm just at that age where people give up."—Amy Schumer

ogden nash marriage

Always forgetful

“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash

Ah, the age-old runaround. These funny marriage quotes have nothing on this 1950s marriage advice that still applies today.

joyce brothers marriage

Chores are pretty important, too

“Marriage is not just spiritual communion, it is also remembering to take out the trash.”—Joyce Brothers

And take those trash cans to the curb, too.

elbert hubbard marriage

How many mistakes can you make?

“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard


yoko ono marriage

The itch is unavoidable

“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”—Yoko Ono

Is it getting a little itchy in this relationship, or is it us?

anonymous marriage

And dry them, too

“The most important four words for a successful marriage: ‘I’ll do the dishes.'”—Anonymous

And better yet, throw in some laundry and vacuuming while you're at it. These funny marriage quotes highlight just some of the things that can change after you get married.

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Originally Published in Reader's Digest