19 Signs of a Healthy Relationship, According to Therapists
Updated: Apr. 23, 2024
Is your relationship built to last? According to marriage and dating experts, these are the signs of a healthy relationship—and the biggest indicators of your potential for happiness.
A happy relationship is the key to a happy life
Happy wife, happy life? It turns out that there’s some truth to the old adage. The Harvard Adult Development Study is the longest-running study of happiness in the world, spanning nearly 100 years and collecting hundreds of thousands of data points about what, exactly, makes people truly happy. And—spoiler alert—it’s not money, career success, or achievement. It’s the people in your life, especially your primary relationship. So if you want to be happy, it’s essential to know the signs of a healthy relationship and make sure your own relationship is on the right track.
“In analyzing all that data, the thing that surprised me the most was finding that our relationships are one of the most important factors in determining how happy we are throughout our lives,” says Robert Waldinger, MD, a Harvard psychiatrist, co-author of The Good Life and the current director of the study. He adds that cultivating strong relationships is one of the best things you can do to live a long, healthy and happy life, as solid relationships provide a wealth of positive mental and physical benefits, from a lower risk of cardiovascular disease and depression to increased resilience and pain tolerance.
But how do you know if your relationship is as solid as you think it is? Maybe you don’t always do date night? Did you forget your anniversary? Or perhaps one of you said something you really shouldn’t have? These can be warning signs of an unhealthy relationship … or not. The strength of your relationship is built on more than just a single date or conversation; it’s based on patterns of behavior.
We asked Dr. Waldinger and seven relationship experts to share their top signs of a healthy relationship, whether you’re married or dating. Read on to learn how to identify the strengths of your relationship and what you can work on to make it even stronger.
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About the experts
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You’re “in like” with each other
Of course you love each other, but do you actually like your partner? Do you find them funny, interesting and fun to be around? Or are you annoyed by their mundane habits and mannerisms? It sounds like a no-brainer, but happy couples really, really like each other. “There should be an awareness that this is your best friend, the person you both like and love, and with whom you want to share your life,” says psychologist Antonia Hall, author of The Happy Human Playbook. And not only that, but you want to spend time together and, in doing so, bring out the best in each other.
You respect your partner and support her dreams
Respect underlies everything else you do, and that’s why it’s one of the most important signs of a healthy relationship. In fact, it can make or break your bond. “If a relationship is based on a good foundation of friendship and respect, it will be more flexible and resilient,” says Charlynn Ruan, PhD, a clinical psychologist based in Los Angeles and the founder of Thrive Psychology. One way this manifests is in how your significant other reacts when you share your dreams and ambitions. “If your partner truly believes in you as a person,” says Ruan, “they will be there for you through all life stages and adapt to support your dreams.” On the other hand, dismissive behavior or words of support without actual support are signs of a problem.
You thank him for doing the dishes
Strong couples are also polite couples, because they care about each other’s feelings, Dr. Waldinger says. It’s an unfortunate fact of life that sometimes our worst behavior comes out with the ones we love the most (he’ll still love you anyway, right?), but healthy couples recognize that their loved ones deserve the best of them. One way the Harvard researchers noted that people expressed deep love was through gratitude—simply telling their partner “thank you” for all the big and littles things they do each day.
You play pickleball together every weekend
What is your “thing” together? It actually doesn’t matter whether you answered pickleball, hiking, traveling or taste-testing every single variety of cake ever made … as long as you said something. That’s because strong couples enjoy hanging out together and have shared interests, Dr. Waldinger says. You don’t have to do everything together, but it’s ideal to have at least one or two activities you love doing together.
You can disagree without being disagreeable
It’s very normal to get upset when your partner says something you don’t agree with, but these situations can escalate quickly to epic fights where each person is so intent on “winning” that the relationship loses. In healthy relationships, partners know how to disagree with their loved one politely and thoughtfully. “Couples don’t have to agree with each other, but they don’t dismiss or belittle the other person’s ideas,” Ruan says. Take a breath, don’t roll your eyes, and engage in a conversation, not a lecture or scolding. If you struggle with this, take the time to learn about communication and conflict-management strategies so you can have healthy discussions that allow for differences.
You don’t stress out if he doesn’t text back right away
Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of trust and honesty that gives you peace of mind, says Lisa Hochberger, PhD, LCSW, a psychologist and certified sex and relationship therapist. In less stable relationships, you may find your mind spiraling in a vortex of “what ifs” while waiting for a text or call back. Trusting relationships relieve you of that worry. “You don’t feel like you’re trying to figure out his true motives because his words and actions reveal how he really feels about you,” Hochberger says. “If he doesn’t text or call you back right away, that’s OK since you know that you’re solid.”
You can share your innermost thoughts without worrying she’s judging you
Being able to share your deepest thoughts is one of the foundations of a strong relationship, so it’s a great sign when you can be honest with each other and never feel like you’re being judged. “No one wants to feel judged, especially by their sweetheart,” says Hall. “Judgment can lead to feelings of resentment and contempt, both of which are hard to conceal and erode the relationship. When couples can celebrate, or at least genuinely tolerate, each other’s differences, it will foster a happy, healthy relationship.” When you can’t share that part of yourself in a safe way, it may also make you shut down, leading to secrets and even more space between you.
Your squad loves him
“We’re often impacted by our social circle’s influence, and having your friends’ seal of approval on the person you’re dating can provide peace of mind that significantly enhances the relationship,” says Hall. How do you know they really like him? They talk about him in a positive way and ask what he’s up to. And when you get together, he’s invited as well. While your friends aren’t the ones dating him, “it makes group get-togethers easier and more fun, rather than potentially uncomfortable and awkward.”
This is a win/win, since not only do you get to see how he treats your besties but you’ll also get to do more things together. This isn’t to say you can’t do things separately with friends, of course—it’s healthy to keep your own support groups—but the fact that you mesh with each other’s circles is a beautiful green flag.
You don’t complain about her to your friends
You’re not up all night texting your friends about something she did or didn’t do. In fact, it’s hard for you to find anything negative about her. Looking for the positive qualities in your partner is a powerful way to strengthen your relationship, Dr. Waldinger says. Not only does it foster happiness and contentment, but it also encourages both of you to live up to those high expectations.
On the other hand, constant criticism or complaining to others slowly destroys the foundation of your relationship over time. The first problem? It chips away at trust. Plus, if all you talk about is the negative aspects of your partner—even if you’re “just joking” with your friends—eventually that will be all you can see about her.
You don’t dodge difficult discussions
When you can discuss tough topics like kids, religion, sex and politics, you have a solid foundation for a future together. This is true whether it’s your first date or your 50th anniversary: It’s important to prioritize open communication and take the time to hear each other’s opinions—even when those opinions are really hard for you to hear. If you can’t talk about difficult topics, it’s only a matter of time before this prohibition ultimately undermines all your communications.
“Every relationship comes with challenges and difficult conversations,” says Megan Costello, a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in Los Angeles. “It’s how you navigate these discussions that really matters. Listen with empathy, and strive to recognize strengths in your partner during conversations about difficult topics.”
You don’t feel like you need to change him
“Often, the very qualities that attracted you to someone can repel you later,” says relationship expert Andrea Syrtash, author of Cheat on Your Husband (with Your Husband). “For instance, you may have originally loved that your husband was fun and spontaneous. Now, you may complain that he never plans anything in advance!” In healthy relationships, you’re not secretly hoping he’ll stop playing video games, be more motivated or have six-pack abs. Syrtash suggests that you try remember what endeared you to him in the first place—instead of trying, or even wanting, to change him.
He can go out with friends without checking in every hour
If you’re in a solid relationship, you have no problem with your significant other going out with their friends on a Friday night. While other friends might ask for pictures or other “proof” that their partner is behaving, you can rest easy knowing that you trust him to respect the boundaries of your relationship. “Trust and respect are the foundation of any healthy relationship,” Syrtash says. “Without them, it won’t work.” You know he’d never betray your trust or do something that would hurt you. You have each other’s backs and don’t keep secrets.
You feel free to say what you need
Strong relationships are not built on mind reading; rather, they thrive on open communication. When you express your wants or needs, you know your partner will listen attentively and do what they can to help. Even better, you’ll do the same for them! Sharing those needs—including those for emotional support, companionship and affection—can make you feel very vulnerable, which is why we normally share them only with our closest loved ones. In healthy relationships, each partner knows they can let down their guard and also be heard, Ruan says. Staying silent and stewing, on the other hand, leads to resentment and other problems down to the road.
You don’t feel like you’re in a constant battle
This doesn’t mean your relationship is without conflict, but conflict shouldn’t drive the relationship. And when things come up, you know how to navigate the issues in fair, empathetic ways. “Mature couples learn how to interrupt a spiraling-out-of-control issue with a timeout,” says Jim Walkup, a licensed marriage counselor with more than 40 years of experience. This is different than the “silent treatment,” where one person ices out the other one. Rather, taking a breather allows each person to regain their composure, calm down and gather their thoughts so they can continue the discussion in a productive way. The difference is communication: Set a time and place when you’ll resume the conversation, then give each other some space.
It’s also good to discuss your rules and boundaries for arguments when you’re not in the middle of one. “Couples who review their battles and plan what they’ll do different next time will reduce the hurt since they’ve built a solid base,” Walkup explains.
You can fight without threatening the relationship
Too many couples take their disagreements from zero to nuclear war, throwing the “d word” (divorce) or “b word” (breakup) as a trump card. But it’s a sign of a healthy relationship when you can have a disagreement and know that the relationship itself is safe. Occasional conflict is a normal aspect of intimate partnerships, and there is safety in knowing you can disagree without risking the entire relationship. Couples who don’t feel safe with their partners tend to feel highly anxious and stressed, and because of this, they may keep their feelings in. This can build resentment and anger that eventually causes an emotional explosion.
“Disagreements are an inevitable part of relationships,” says Hall. “If you’re both able to hear the other person’s side calmly and rationally and you’re willing to work through it, you’re far more likely to be able to resolve the conflict and move on.” No matter how hot things might get, healthy couples avoid threatening the relationship bond.
You don’t hesitate to wear your comfy jammies
Strong relationships provide safety to be your true self, Dr. Waldinger says—whether that’s wearing your favorite sweats with your hair up in a bun or geeking out over your favorite superhero movie. It’s easy to be happy with someone when you’re getting wined and dined; it’s more challenging when it’s just the two of you at home. You’ll know your relationship can make it for the long haul when you no longer feel like you have to put on your best face for your partner and instead can let them see the real you. Date night can be just the two of you, some Netflix, Chinese takeout and the sofa. And that’s not only acceptable—it’s a necessary part of a relationship.
You miss each other when you’re not together
One of the commonalities in the long-term couples that Dr. Waldinger highlights in his book is how much they think about each other, even when they’re not together. A person’s spouse becomes an extension of themselves. How often you think about your mate during the day—and look forward to being reunited—is one of the biggest signs of a healthy relationship. You know she’s thinking about you when she texts, emails or calls. If you’re traveling for work, you’re sad you won’t see her for a few days, and she communicates that she feels the same way.
You make decisions together
One person doesn’t call all the shots. “The best relationships have a ‘we factor’ instead of a ‘me factor,'” says Samantha Burns, a licensed counselor and dating coach. “You’ve successfully transitioned from single life to functioning as a unified team when it’s ‘What are we doing this weekend?’ rather than one person making individual plans without consulting their partner.” This goes for everything from what to have for dinner to where you want to live in the future.
You care about your relationship
Feeling a little panicked now because you don’t check every box on this list? It’s OK, no couple does—at least not all the time. Just the fact that you’re reading an article about the signs of a healthy relationship shows that you care about strengthening yours, and that’s the biggest sign your relationship is going to be fine. You don’t have to be perfect; you just have to try. When both people are willing to work together and keep working together, they can build a beautiful relationship that will last a lifetime.
Why trust us
For over 100 years, Reader’s Digest has explored the nuances of relationships, working with such luminaries as Dr. Ruth Westheimer, John Gottman, PhD, and Leo Buscagli (“Dr. Love”). We ran a decade-long relationships column and have published a compendium of features, Love and Marriage: The Reader’s Digest Guide to Intimate Relationships. For this piece on the signs of a healthy relationship, Stacey Feintuch tapped her experience as a longtime journalist who has written about relationships, and then clinical psychologist and life-fulfillment expert Carla Marie Manly, PhD, author of The Joy of Imperfect Love and Date Smart, gave it a rigorous review to ensure that all information is accurate and offers the best possible advice to readers. We support this information with credentialed experts and primary sources such as government and professional organizations, peer-reviewed journals and our writers’ personal experience where it enhances the topic. We verify all facts and data and revisit them over time to ensure they remain accurate and up to date. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
Sources:
- Robert Waldinger, MD, Harvard psychiatrist, co-author of The Good Life and current director of the Harvard Adult Development Study; phone interview, April 2024
- Antonia Hall, psychologist, relationship and sex expert and author of The Happy Human Playbook; email interview, June 2019
- Charlynn Ruan, PhD, clinical psychologist and founder of Thrive Psychology; email interview, March 2024
- Megan Costello, LMFT, licensed marriage and family therapist; email interview, June 2019
- Andrea Syrtash, relationship expert and author of Cheat on Your Husband (with Your Husband); email interview, June 2019
- Lisa Hochberger Brown, PHD, LCSW, psychologist and certified sex and relationship therapist; email interview, June 2019
- Jim Walkup, licensed marriage counselor; email interview, June 2019
- Samantha Burns, relationship counselor and dating coach; email interview, June 2019Â
