Not taking responsibility for your own needs
Ultimately you’re the one responsible for your own arousal. Even for your own orgasms. Yes, I know this is different from most sex advice you’ve heard.
Most sex experts suggest that you should take responsibility for each other’s sexual pleasure. The problem with that approach is that ultimately you end up just servicing each other—not so passionate.
It’s a good rule to absolutely avoid doing anything in bed that you don’t like. Don’t just do it because it pleases your partner. Instead, find something else that you like to do, that your partner likes too.
Whatever it is, make sure it makes both of you happy. Otherwise in the long run no one’s going to be happy.
Believing you can program desire
sirtravelalot/Shutterstock Desire comes and goes many times over the course of a long-term erotic relationship. During times when you don’t feel desire for your partner, the most important thing to remember is not to freak out.
You can’t control desire any more than you can control the whims of a child. The secret to good sex in a long-lasting relationship is to sanctify the erotic moment by paying attention to it in all its variety, without judgment.
Desire is seldom all-or-none. Sometimes you will feel highly aroused together, and sometimes your arousal may be no more than a faint whisper.
Sometimes it’s a matter of nurturing that whisper until it’s a healthy shout.
Here’s why you should consider having sex tonight, according to science, of course.
Stephen Snyder, M.D. is a sex and relationship therapist, psychiatrist, and writer in New York City, and the author of the new book, Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship, from St. Martin’s Press.