Not being selfish enough during lovemaking
We’re all reminded these days to make sure we pleasure our partners in bed. But some people overdo that part. The result is a lot of very boring sex. Sexual generosity that’s not accompanied by a certain kind of selfishness just isn’t very erotic.
Think about it: No hero in a romance novel ever rips off the heroine’s clothes and says, “Now tell me how you like to be touched.”
No, he just consumes her, like a delicious pastry. There’s a kind of selfishness at the heart of most sexual passion.
Ideally, you want to feel “selfishly connected” to your partner. That frees your partner to feel selfishly connected to you.
Sex feels too much like work
Remember, sex is infantile. To an infant, the word “work” has no meaning.
Some people try too hard to be good lovers. They spend too much time thinking about technique. That’s the source of a lot of boring sex.
Good technique is fine—and certainly better than bad technique. But technique has very little to do with great lovemaking.
The best sex has no goal in mind. Don’t worry about trying to turn your partner on. Instead, just enjoy your partner. Selfishly, because it feels good. That’s usually the best recipe for great sex.
Don’t miss the secrets sex therapists wish you knew.
Thinking that sex is all about the climax
Dean Drobot/shutterstock A good sexual climax should be like dessert at the end of a good meal. Memorable, perhaps. But not really the reason you went out to dinner. The couples who have the best sex are the ones who don’t set orgasm as a goal.
It’s usually best to focus on turn-ons instead. Then, after you’ve eaten and enjoyed everything on your plate, suddenly the dessert tray appears and you realize, “OMG, I forgot! There’s gonna be dessert!”
Dessert is a sweet ending but by no means the whole show.