Sex feels too much like work
Remember, sex is infantile. To an infant, the word “work” has no meaning.
Some people try too hard to be good lovers. They spend too much time thinking about technique. That’s the source of a lot of boring sex.
Good technique is fine—and certainly better than bad technique. But technique has very little to do with great lovemaking.
The best sex has no goal in mind. Don’t worry about trying to turn your partner on. Instead, just enjoy your partner. Selfishly, because it feels good. That’s usually the best recipe for great sex.
Don’t miss the secrets sex therapists wish you knew.
Thinking that sex is all about the climax
Dean Drobot/shutterstock A good sexual climax should be like dessert at the end of a good meal. Memorable, perhaps. But not really the reason you went out to dinner. The couples who have the best sex are the ones who don’t set orgasm as a goal.
It’s usually best to focus on turn-ons instead. Then, after you’ve eaten and enjoyed everything on your plate, suddenly the dessert tray appears and you realize, “OMG, I forgot! There’s gonna be dessert!”
Dessert is a sweet ending but by no means the whole show.
Saving intimacy for the bedroom
MIND AND I/Shutterstock
Many couples get aroused together only when they’re going to have sex, as if arousal was an unhappy state of mind that they’d rather avoid. But the happiest couples make a point to enjoy small moments of excitement even when sex isn’t on the menu.
In sex therapy, we call this “simmering”: Taking a moment to enjoy feeling excited together, before leaving for work in the morning —or before falling asleep together at night. In a long-term relationship, it’s often the simmering more than the sex that keeps you erotically bonded.