Thinking that sex is all about the climax
Dean Drobot/shutterstock A good sexual climax should be like dessert at the end of a good meal. Memorable, perhaps. But not really the reason you went out to dinner. The couples who have the best sex are the ones who don’t set orgasm as a goal.
It’s usually best to focus on turn-ons instead. Then, after you’ve eaten and enjoyed everything on your plate, suddenly the dessert tray appears and you realize, “OMG, I forgot! There’s gonna be dessert!”
Dessert is a sweet ending but by no means the whole show.
Saving intimacy for the bedroom
MIND AND I/Shutterstock
Many couples get aroused together only when they’re going to have sex, as if arousal was an unhappy state of mind that they’d rather avoid. But the happiest couples make a point to enjoy small moments of excitement even when sex isn’t on the menu.
In sex therapy, we call this “simmering”: Taking a moment to enjoy feeling excited together, before leaving for work in the morning —or before falling asleep together at night. In a long-term relationship, it’s often the simmering more than the sex that keeps you erotically bonded.
Criticizing yourself in bed
We all have limitations in bed. That’s normal. But it’s impossible to have good sex while feeling bad about your body or your skills.
Most of us tend to be hard on ourselves. Our minds generate so-called “Automatic Negative Thoughts,” a term I like because its initials spell the word “ANTs.” ANTs can spoil lovemaking, just like real ants can spoil a picnic.
The best way to handle negative ANTs is not to take them too seriously. As the Buddhists say, “let your thoughts come into your home, but don’t serve them tea.”
Stop giving your ANTs so much attention, and they’ll often get bored and go away.
And guys, for a quick boost, check out exactly how long women actually want sex to last.