Criticizing yourself in bed
We all have limitations in bed. That’s normal. But it’s impossible to have good sex while feeling bad about your body or your skills.
Most of us tend to be hard on ourselves. Our minds generate so-called “Automatic Negative Thoughts,” a term I like because its initials spell the word “ANTs.” ANTs can spoil lovemaking, just like real ants can spoil a picnic.
The best way to handle negative ANTs is not to take them too seriously. As the Buddhists say, “let your thoughts come into your home, but don’t serve them tea.”
Stop giving your ANTs so much attention, and they’ll often get bored and go away.
And guys, for a quick boost, check out exactly how long women actually want sex to last.
Not standing your ground
sirtravelalot/Shutterstock Many people feel that a good relationship is where two people “become one.” But that’s seldom a good idea. It often leads people to deny their differences, to force themselves to be what their partner wants, or to be unable to “stand their ground” when conflicts arise.
That often leads people in relationships to feel anxious and overwhelmed, and to end up avoiding each other.
The happiest relationships are where two people acknowledge one another as fundamentally different. Then each person in the couple can feel comfortable asserting his or her needs, even when those needs are potentially in conflict.
In the short run, that can be challenging. But in the long run, it’s often actually more erotic.
Here are more simple ways to improve your sex life.
Not taking responsibility for your own needs
Ultimately you’re the one responsible for your own arousal. Even for your own orgasms. Yes, I know this is different from most sex advice you’ve heard.
Most sex experts suggest that you should take responsibility for each other’s sexual pleasure. The problem with that approach is that ultimately you end up just servicing each other—not so passionate.
It’s a good rule to absolutely avoid doing anything in bed that you don’t like. Don’t just do it because it pleases your partner. Instead, find something else that you like to do, that your partner likes too.
Whatever it is, make sure it makes both of you happy. Otherwise in the long run no one’s going to be happy.