A Trusted Friend in a Complicated World

14 Things to Say to Someone Who Is Grieving

It can be incredibly hard knowing what to say to someone who lost a loved one. These phrases can be a good place to start.

Things To Say To Someone Who Is Grieving
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Talking about grief can be difficult

After my baby died, I walked around in a haze of grief that was so all-consuming, I wasn’t sure if I remembered how to breathe. Things like cooking, cleaning and working got lost under the paralyzing decision of having to pick a casket for an infant and then wondering why I never knew there were so many different infant caskets to choose from. What saved me during those dark days and the months and years afterward was the support of loved ones—the people who surrounded me and held me up when I couldn’t stand anymore. Some offered help, while others sent condolence messages. All of it was a gift, and to this day I’m grateful for every single person who reached out.

Saying something—anything—is an essential way to connect with someone who is grieving, but knowing what to say can be really tough. After all, you don’t want to accidentally cause someone more pain. The key here lies with intent. “The goal of talking with someone who is grieving is not to make them stop being sad,” says Abigail Nathanson, a licensed social worker and professor of grief and trauma at New York University. “It’s to help support and love them through this difficult experience.”

There is no one “right” thing to say to someone who is grieving, and what you say will change based on the situation, the time that has elapsed since the loss, their relationship to the loss and so much more. However, Nathanson and other grief experts say there are some things that many people find helpful or comforting. Here are some ideas for what to say that will strike just the right sentiment and tone, while leaving the door open for further connection, love and support.

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About the experts

  • Abigail Nathanson, DSW, is a licensed social worker who is board-certified in palliative care. She has more than 15 years of experience working in health care with people who are seriously ill or dying and their caregivers, with health-care professionals and with those in mourning. She is also a professor of grief and trauma at New York University.
  • Gina Moffa, LCSW, is a grief and trauma therapist in New York City and the author of Moving On Doesn’t Mean Letting Go: A Modern Guide to Navigating Loss.
Things To Say To Someone Who Is Grieving with quote "I love you, and I'm here for you"
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“I love you, and I’m here for you”

One of the things grieving people need to hear the most is also one of the simplest things to say: I love you. “If you’re unsure what to say, simply state that you care about the person and you’re there for them—and then back up that message through loving actions,” says Gina Moffa, a grief and trauma therapist in New York City and the author of Moving On Doesn’t Mean Letting Go: A Modern Guide to Navigating Loss. “When you speak genuinely and from the heart, the exact words don’t matter as much as the love you convey.” Reading books about grief can also help you understand the grieving process better and figure out the right way to support your loved one.

Things To Say To Someone Who Is Grieving with quote "Tell me one of your favorite memories of them"
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“Tell me one of your favorite memories of them”

People who have lost a loved one often find solace in remembering them and reliving happy moments with them, Moffa says. Yet you may hesitate to share them because you’re worried about making the listener sad or contributing to them getting “stuck” in their grief. “This idea that you should just pick up and ‘move on’ from a loss is toxic,” Nathanson says. “A sympathetic listening ear is the best gift you can give someone who is grieving.” Saying this—and then practicing active listening skills—gives them permission to share their memories in a safe way.

Things To Say To Someone Who Is Grieving with quote "Would you like to grab coffee and chat on Tuesday or Friday?"
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“Would you like to grab coffee and chat on Tuesday or Friday?”

Saying “Do you want to talk?” is a wonderful gesture, but it will be more meaningful to the grieving person if you set a specific time and place to talk. This shows that you’re sincere, not to mention gives them one less thing to worry about (i.e., thinking about making plans). “Choose a private place and a quiet time so they will be able to really open up if they want to,” Nathanson says. Making decisions can feel difficult to someone in the depths of grief, so give them a few options.

If they say that they don’t want to talk about it right now, let them know that is totally fine and you’re willing to listen if they want to talk in the future, Nathanson adds. Afterward, check in with them regularly. These “thinking of you” messages will give you a jumping-off point.

Things To Say To Someone Who Is Grieving
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“I don’t know exactly what you’re feeling right now, but I want to be with you as you go through this”

“Every loss is different, and every grieving person handles things in their own way,” Nathanson says. The key is to recognize the fact that this is their individual journey while also making sure they don’t feel alone as they travel it. “You don’t have to perfectly understand how someone is feeling to sympathize with them and hold their hand,” she says. Sometimes sitting quietly with someone is more powerful than any words you can say. Sending sympathy gifts is another beautiful way to say a lot without speaking a word.

Things To Say To Someone Who Is Grieving with quote "I miss them so much too"
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“I miss them so much too”

If you share a connection to the deceased with the grieving person, it’s appropriate to share your feelings as well. “One of the things bereaved people need to know the most is that their loved one will not be forgotten,” Moffa says. “Shared grief can be a powerful experience.”

Just keep it simple and polite. Be careful not to share your feelings in a way that one-ups the other person’s grief or makes the conversation about your feelings instead of theirs. Grief isn’t a competition; there’s plenty of it to go around (unfortunately).

Things To Say To Someone Who Is Grieving with quote "I don't know why this happened to you, but it really stinks"
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“I don’t know why this happened to you, but it really stinks”

“Many types of losses feel arbitrary, and the temptation is to come up with some answer about why it happened. But that doesn’t help the grieving process,” Nathanson says. “Don’t feel like you have to provide a reason or explanation. It’s OK to say, ‘I don’t know why this happened to you, but it really stinks.'” Instead of inventing stories or playing “what if” scenarios, accept that you and the grieving person may never know the full story, and that’s OK. The goal is to help them move forward on their own time and to be able to live their life, even without having an explanation of the loss.

Things To Say To Someone Who Is Grieving with quote "I'm heartbroken for your loss—I know how much they meant to you"
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“I’m heartbroken for your loss—I know how much they meant to you”

Too many people talk around grief rather than addressing it directly, perhaps worrying that they’ll upset the grieving person even more. However, this can inadvertently make the sufferer feel like their grief is wrong or needs to be hidden. Acknowledging the grief in an honest way can be a powerful experience, giving the grieving person permission to talk about it if they want to, Nathanson says.

So instead of saying something vague, like “I’m sorry about what happened,” be direct and sympathetic. Of course, this depends on your relationship to the person. For instance, the above would be appropriate for a close friend or family member, but stick to “I’m so sorry for your loss” for a co-worker or acquaintance.

Things To Say To Someone Who Is Grieving with quote "I'll bring over dinner tomorrow night. Would you prefer me to bring it in or leave it on the porch?"
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“I’ll bring over dinner tomorrow night. Would you prefer me to bring it in or leave it on the porch?”

Although “Let me know if you need anything” seems like a helpful phrase, in reality, it places the onus on the bereaved person to find something for you to do. Instead, pick a task and ask them if it’s OK for you to take care of it, Moffa says. You can offer to babysit, make a meal, do laundry or other housework, go grocery shopping or perform other mundane tasks that the bereaved person might not feel up to. This can help relieve some of their day-to-day burdens, allowing them more space to grieve, she explains. So instead of figuring out what to say to someone who lost a loved one, figure out what to do for them.

Things To Say To Someone Who Is Grieving with quote "It's OK to cry—I'm here with you"
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“It’s OK to cry—I’m here with you”

Many people don’t know what to do when someone else starts to cry, and that discomfort can make the grieving person feel like they need to stifle their tears. “Crying is a powerful release, but it can also make the person feel very vulnerable,” Nathanson says. Allowing someone to cry in your presence (and perhaps even crying with them) gives them a safe place to release their feelings. Offer them a tissue, a hug or a listening ear, but resist the urge to “fix” things by trying to get them to stop crying.

Things To Say To Someone Who Is Grieving with quote "I'll be here as long as you need"
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“I’ll be here as long as you need”

In the initial aftermath of a terrible event, there are often many people there to support the grieving person, but as time goes by, that number dwindles. Unfortunately, many people who’ve suffered a loss feel abandoned, as it seems like the world goes on around them while they are still grieving. “There is no time limit on grief,” Moffa says. She suggests reaching out on dates like the anniversary of the death or the deceased’s birthday. “This shows love to both the person who passed and those who still miss them every day,” she explains.

Things To Say To Someone Who Is Grieving with quote "It's OK to laugh"
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“It’s OK to laugh”

Grief comes in waves, and sometimes the grieving person may feel guilt or shame about the times when they “forget” their sorrow and laugh at a funny joke. They may feel like they are dishonoring their loved one by being happy, especially if it’s still close to the loss. One thing you can offer them is a safe place to share all their feelings, including anger, confusion, frustration, joy and even laughter, Nathanson says. “Laughter can be incredibly healing,” she adds.

Things To Say To Someone Who Is Grieving with quote "I can hear how shocked, angry and sad you are, and your feelings make perfect sense"
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“I can hear how shocked, angry and sad you are, and your feelings make perfect sense”

Reflecting back what the grieving person tells you is one way to show empathy, Nathanson says, and it’s a technique that therapists themselves use. This means listening to how they are feeling and then using their own words to sympathize and show support. This is a great option if you really don’t know what to say, since you don’t have to come up with anything profound or wise. You just need to be a good listener—which is what most grieving people need most anyhow. “This shows you are truly listening and validates their feelings,” Nathanson adds. You can follow up this statement by asking more questions about how they are feeling, but avoid any statements that tell them how they “should” feel.

Things To Say To Someone Who Is Grieving with quote "I have no words"
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“I have no words”

It’s OK to admit that you don’t know what to say. “Many people were never taught how to talk about grief, so they get really anxious about saying the ‘right’ thing,” Moffa says. “But when you don’t know what to say, be honest and just say that you want to help but you aren’t sure what to say. Speak from your heart.” Admitting that you’re at a loss for words also gives them permission to not know what to say and can provide comfort. Being honest about your feelings keeps the focus on being in that moment together and recognizing the reality of the situation—that you can’t fix it, no matter how much you wish you could.

Things To Say To Someone Who Is Grieving
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Nothing at all

A physical touch can be all that’s needed to make a grieving person feel comforted. Offering a hug, holding their hand or lightly touching their shoulder are all physical reminders that they are not alone, Moffa says. Research has shown that emotions including sympathy and love can be communicated via touch. “This tells them, ‘I want to be here with you in this moment, I’ve got you,'” she says.

Sources:

Charlotte Hilton Andersen
Charlotte is an award-winning journalist who covers etiquette, relationships, psychology, health and lifestyle. She has written more than 50 etiquette stories for Reader’s Digest, spearheading the site’s popular Polite Habits and Best Messages series. With a knack for capturing the essence of an interview subject, she also specializes in human-interest and “as told to” stories. In addition to Reader’s Digest and The Healthy, her work has been published in Shape, Cosmopolitan, Women's Health, O Magazine, Fitness, Redbook, Seventeen, What to Expect When You're Expecting and more.