6 Reasons Men Say No to Sex
If you’re getting turned down in the bedroom, chances are it’s not about you. Here are six reasons your partner might not be having sex, and what you can do about them.
He’s suffering from depression.
“Clinical depression is one of the biggest killers of sex drive in men,” says sex therapist David McKenzie. Men of all ages, even teenagers, may experience much lower sex drive when they’re struggling with this mood disorder. You can: “Remember that clinical depression is a physical illness and not a character weakness,” says McKenzie. The key here is patience, especially after he seeks treatment—while antidepressants are very effective in treating depression, they can also contribute to low sexual interest. Your partner may want to speak to a doctor if he notices severe interference with his sex drive.
He’s got trouble with the plumbing.
Though erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation are common
problems, says McKenzie, a man who experiences these difficulties may
withdraw from his partner for fear that she’ll be disappointed or think
that he’s less of a man. You can: Not avoid the issue. This can be difficult to discuss, but a problem left
untreated could result in resentment. “Start by saying,
‘You know I love you no matter what,’” suggests David, a 28-year-old musician. “Don’t make a big
deal out of it or make him feel like it will affect your interest in him
as a partner if he can’t make it happen.”
His testosterone levels are low.
“When a man gets to be over 40, his testosterone levels begin to
decrease,” says McKenzie. “If this happens mildly over time, then a man
will gradually lose his sexual prowess. But sometimes males can lose
testosterone very rapidly.” This condition is sometimes referred to as
andropause and comes with symptoms that include loss of energy,
depressive symptoms and low sex drive.
You can: Suggest he ask his doctor
for a testosterone test.
He’s stressed out about his career.
Worrying about work can be a real mood killer for many men, especially
if they tend to equate professional success with self-worth. You can: Discuss the situation away from the bedroom. Instead, mutually decide on a good time to chat about
what’s going on in his life. Ask if there’s anything you can do to
support him through a stressful time, but be clear that his demanding
job is taking a toll on your relationship.
Chances are, if your partner says he’s too tired for some late-night
nookie, he’s really exhausted. You can: Not take it personally. According to McKenzie, about
98 percent of the men he counsels would say that their lack of sexual
interest has nothing to do with how they feel about their partners. Rather than acting hurt or angry, set the stage for a
conversation about what’s going on in his life to make him so tired. But
if the problem persists for more than six weeks, it’s time to consider
getting help from a therapist or physician.
You’re moving too fast.
If a new man you’re dating turns down an invitation to “come upstairs
for a nightcap,” he could be trying to tell you that he’s not ready to
sleep with you yet. “There’s a lot of emotional involvement that comes
with having sex with somebody,” says P.J., a 29-year-old online producer. “How do you get skin to skin
with someone you don’t know?” You can: Slow down—this could be a sign that the guy wants to
get to know you better before getting physical. Take the declined
invitation in stride and remember that, despite what your father might
have told you before the prom, guys do have more than one thing on their
minds. “We’re emotional beings too,”