Becoming estranged from a sibling can be devastating, even when it also brings a sense of relief. Here's why it happens, and whether you should reconcile—or not.
Fern Schumer Chapman and her brother were only 2 1/2 years apart in age, but they were never close as children. As they grew up, the distance yawned between them: Phone calls went unreturned. When they got together, it was awkward, and they couldn’t find anything to say to each other. “In time, we said nothing at all,” Chapman says. She and her brother became estranged siblings.
Unfortunately, Chapman, who wrote about her sibling story of estrangement in her memoir Brothers, Sisters, Strangers, is not alone. “Not everyone has the close, supportive bond we often see portrayed on social media or in film and television, especially around the holidays,” says Lucy Blake, PhD, a senior lecturer in psychology at the University of the West of England who has studied sibling estrangement and author of Home Truths: The Facts and Fictions of Family Life.
But how can one of the strongest bonds of our lifetime break, and how can we mend it—or should we? Keep reading to find out what’s behind sibling estrangement, when to cut ties and when it’s time to reconcile.
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Why do siblings stop speaking?
Common thinking is that your sibling relationship will be the longest of your life—longer than even those with your parents, spouse or friends. But researchers are learning that it’s not uncommon for adult siblings to sever their relationship. There are a variety of reasons—sometimes a combination of several—that this can happen, including the five scenarios below.
Personality differences
Personality differences were the basis for Chapman’s estrangement from her brother. “We were always near‐opposite personalities,” she says. “I was introspective, self‐reliant, invested in a few intense friendships. He was an adventurous risk-taker who couldn’t wait to break from the family and live his own life.”
Sure, siblings tend to grow up in the same house with the same parents. But sometimes, they hold completely opposite values or views—or they just don’t mesh.
Family trauma or abuse
Difficulties in the family are, not surprisingly, another cause for conflict, as was also the case for Chapman. “Our mother was a Holocaust refugee and, in general, children have one of two opposite reactions to their [parent’s] needs and losses: They either distance themselves or they try to make up for all the parent has lost,” she says. “He left, and I tried to parent my own mother.”
Her father was also “difficult,” she says, which led her brother to further distance himself from the family. Children who’ve endured abuse or trauma often can’t wait to grow up and leave the household; they are also at risk for addiction and mental health problems later in life, which often reinforce the estrangement. As Chapman describes it, her brother was “in a dark place” when they were estranged.
Estrangement from parents
The next step for Chapman and her brother’s growing distance was his estrangement from their parents, who had gotten divorced (another risk factor for family estrangement). “My brother estranged himself from our father, and he had a limited connection with our mother,” she says. “I tried to maintain strong ties to both.”
Having an estranged parent is a common cause of sibling estrangement, Blake found in her research. “Some participants described their sibling as having sided with an estranged parent, choosing loyalty to that parent over maintaining a relationship with them,” she says.
In addition, Chapman says estrangement is often modeled in families as a learned response to conflict. “When conflict emerges, family members do not have the skills to navigate differences, and instead they pull the plug on the relationship,” she says.
Long-held grudges or betrayal
Pretty much all siblings fight, but that doesn’t mean they’re destined to stop speaking. Still, disagreements can grow into grudges that lead to estrangement. Another reason for severed ties? One sibling may do something the other finds unforgivable, such as lying, manipulating or engaging in narcissistic behavior.
“Some participants described a long-standing rivalry with their sibling or feeling betrayed by them,” Blake says of her research findings. “Disputes over caregiving responsibilities or inheritance can also contribute to a breakdown in sibling relationships later in life.”
The latter issue came into play for Chapman as her sibling estrangement went on. “All the responsibilities for the family—my mother and father—fell upon me,” she says.
Parental favoritism
Sibling rivalry in children is normal, but sometimes it doesn’t resolve as they get older. “In my research, I found that common causes of sibling estrangement include experiences of parental favoritism, often rooted in childhood but sometimes continuing into adulthood,” Blake says.
Favoritism has a new name when it happens to adult siblings: parental differential treatment. This can affect siblings if one receives more praise, attention, money or assistance, or if one feels like a “disappointment” to their parents because of their choices, values or career.
Just how common is sibling estrangement?
Sibling estrangement is more common than you probably think. One 2022 study found that 28% of participants had been estranged from a sibling at some point. This tracks with a 2025 YouGov survey that found 24% of those polled were estranged from a sibling.
Still, we don’t have evidence that estranged siblings are becoming more common than in the past. “What may be changing is visibility—people are beginning to speak more openly about estrangement, despite the stigma that often surrounds it,” Blake says. “This growing willingness to name and share these experiences may give the impression of rising prevalence, even if the underlying rates remain stable.”
How does sibling estrangement happen?
Sometimes, the relationship goes out with a bang; other times, it just drifts away. “In my own research on sibling estrangement, many involved a clear break, such as a heated argument or a legal boundary, whereas others described the relationship as having simply faded out,” Blake says. “In these cases, there was no dramatic event, just a gradual loss of contact.”
For Chapman, it was the latter. “Sibling relationships are most vulnerable to estrangement during certain life stages that require family members to redefine their roles—college, marriage, babies,” she says. “Our breach began when my brother and I were in our 20s: He was a newlywed, and I was busy making my career as a reporter at a newspaper. I would call him occasionally, but often he wouldn’t call me back.” Soon, they stopped talking altogether.
What’s it like being estranged from a sibling?
Estranged siblings’ experiences can vary widely. “Some people feel deep sadness, grief or longing, even if they were the one to end contact,” Blake says. “Others describe relief or improved mental health after stepping away. Many continue to think about their sibling, wonder what might have been or feel conflicted about reaching out.”
For Chapman, her feelings about her estranged sibling did not subside over the years. “I felt hurt and sad—I simply couldn’t understand the estrangement,” she says. “I ruminated endlessly on this incomprehensible situation.”
Beyond that, she felt cut off from that side of her family. “I only have one brother, so the loss meant I eventually would lose the role of sister, sister-in-law and aunt, and my children wouldn’t have any cousins on my side,” she says. “I felt like a whole branch of our small family had been sawed off.”
What long-term effects can sibling estrangement have?
The grief that Chapman felt can lead to ongoing problems mentally and physically. “For years, I was chronically mourning the living, and that created terrible stress in my life,” she says. “It is a grief state that produces ongoing distress, deep insecurity and longing that can go on for decades.”
Estranged siblings often suffer from:
- Intrusive thoughts
- Sleep disruptions
- Physical symptoms of stress, such as headaches and stomach upset
- Low self-esteem
- Difficulty trusting others
Sibling estrangement can also have a ripple effect on the rest of the family. “It gets even more complicated when the estrangement metastasizes to other family members, as some feel they must choose sides,” Chapman says. “Cut-offs are rarely localized to one relationship, as an estrangement in the family influences broader dynamics.”
How do you know when it’s time to cut ties?
Sometimes, cutting off a relationship is the best thing to do for your mental health or safety. “Some relationships are simply too toxic to sustain [if they involve] violence, mental illness or bullying,” Chapman says.
Is yours? Well, that depends on your specific sibling situation. “This is a personal decision that depends on the individual and the nature of their relationship,” Blake says. “Whether someone feels able to step away may depend on the support they have available to them emotionally, socially or practically.”
That might mean having other people in your life, such as a spouse or “found family,” to rely on. “A sense of belonging and ‘family’ doesn’t have to come from blood relations,” Chapman says.
How do you know if you should reconcile?
If you regret your estrangement, it may be time to mend fences. “Decisions to reconcile might be shaped by whether the underlying causes of estrangement have been acknowledged or addressed,” Blake says.
It was a decision Chapman didn’t take lightly. At the urging of her mother, she called her brother and helped him get the help he needed, which was the first step on the road to rebuilding trust between them. “By reconciling, I was able to answer so many questions that burned within me,” she says.
When determining whether to reconcile, Chapman suggests asking yourself:
- Why is this relationship important to me—not to my family or to anyone else, but to me?
- Can I set aside the anger, pain or resentment that led to the break?
- Do I want to resume this relationship if I discover that neither of us has changed?
- Do I have the time, energy, emotional resilience and support of other loved ones to reconcile and rebuild this relationship?
- Will I compromise too much of myself if I try to sustain a relationship with my sibling?
Of course, for reconciliation, your sibling must want to revive the relationship as well, which might mean acknowledging the part you played in the break. “I had to reflect on my role in the estrangement, my boundaries and my family priorities, and that led to self-awareness, self-regulation and greater sensitivity,” Chapman says.
She says you’ll also need to:
- Change your expectations of your sibling and accept them as they are.
- Let go of the past pain and focus on the future relationship.
- Set boundaries and, if necessary, establish a clear understanding of how you will spend time together.
- Decide if a “limited relationship,” in which you see or talk only at certain times, is best, and have an exit strategy when conversations become tense.
How can estranged siblings reconcile?
Buckle up for a long journey. “Reconciliation isn’t a single conversation—it can begin with small steps and take months, even years, to rebuild trust in a relationship,” Chapman says. For her and her brother, “both of us were determined to change how we related, and that made the difference.”
She advises taking these steps:
- Sit down together, face to face. Focus on your willingness, desire and hope to create a new, mutual bond.
- Listen without interrupting or challenging each other’s stories. The one goal is to seek understanding. Reconciliation is impossible without true, genuine listening.
- Acknowledge the other person’s hurt, anger or alienation. Be empathetic and give them the benefit of the doubt, assuming they have sincere and trustworthy intentions.
- Seek common ground. Focus on shared experiences and memories to rise above differences and avoid contentious topics.
- Accept each other. When each party accepts both parties’ experiences, neither feels devalued or shut out, and healing can begin.
What are some tips for coping with sibling estrangement?
If you can’t or don’t want to reconcile, you should make peace with the estrangement for your own mental and physical well-being. “Working through estrangement—whether through reconciliation or acceptance—can spur what’s known as post-traumatic growth,” Chapman says.
It can be a lot to handle, but know that you don’t have to go at it alone. “Speaking with a licensed mental health professional who understands the complexities of family estrangement can be beneficial,” Blake says. “Some people find it helpful to connect with others who get it, whether through in-person or online support groups or by seeking out information about estrangement.”
It also helps to have someone in your life who you are close to and trust. “Above all, lean into relationships where you feel safe, supported and understood,” Blake says.
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For over 100 years, Reader’s Digest has explored the nuances of relationships, working with such luminaries as Dr. Ruth Westheimer, John Gottman, PhD, and Leo Buscaglia (“Dr. Love”). We ran a decade-long relationships column and have published a compendium of features, Love and Marriage: The Reader’s Digest Guide to Intimate Relationships. We support this information with credentialed experts and primary sources such as government and professional organizations, peer-reviewed journals and our writers’ personal experiences where it enhances the topic. We verify all facts and data and revisit them over time to ensure they remain accurate and up to date. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
Sources:
- Lucy Blake, PhD, senior lecturer in psychology at the University of the West of England and author of Home Truths; email interview, November 2025
- Fern Schumer Chapman, journalist and author of Brothers, Sisters, Strangers; email interview, November 2025
- YouGov: “Family Estrangement: How often and why it happens”
- Journal of Family Issues: “Estrangement Between Siblings in Adulthood: A Qualitative Exploration”
- Journal of Social and Personal Relationships: “Sibling estrangement in adulthood”
- Family Relations: “Young adults’ retrospective reports of family cohesion, parental differential treatment, and sibling relationships”
- The New York Times: “The Pain of Sibling Breakups”
- BBC: “The Lifelong Effects of the ‘Favorite Child'”
