Allow Me To Stipulate My Demands, Daddy
Updated: Jun. 19, 2017Sometimes, your child can out smart you.
Argument 1
Child: Can I have this?
Me: No.
Child: Ah, perhaps I’ve miscommunicated. I’m asking for it because I want it.
Me: I understood that, actually.
Child: I think maybe you’re not hearing me. I’d like it because I want it.
Me: I’ve heard you quite well. I’m saying that’s not actually an argument.
Child: PERHAPS IF I SAID IT LOUDER.
Me: There’s no problem with my hearing. The problem is that your argument is, as the Romans would say, circulus in probando.
Child: Well, then, let me offer this new information: I want it.
Me: That’s the same information. That’s what you just said, and it’s also the information I assumed when we started.
Child: Well, can I watch YouTube?
Me: You also can’t watch YouTube.
Child: If I can’t watch YouTube, then can I have it?
Me: No! Sorry. No.
Child: Can I have part of it?
Me: No. The having of it is what I’m saying no to. Having part of it is the same as having it.
Child: So can I have all of it?
Me: No! I’m answering the same question. The answer is no.
Child: Why not?
Me: BECAUSE I— Look. No.
Child: But, OK, look, here is some new information.
Me: Yes. What is it?
Child: I need it.
“I think maybe you’re not hearing me. I’d like it because I want it.”
Argument 2
Me: Put your shoes on.
Child: In the vacuum of space, are there free-floating molecules?
Me: Put your shoes on.
Child: Did you know that we don’t actually vote for president—we vote for people who vote for president?
Me: I don’t care. Put your shoes on.
Child: I am.
Me: You’re not.
Child: Why do we have shoes, anyway?
Me: Just put your shoes on.
Child: That reminds me. Where are my shoes?
Me: What? They’re right there! Right next to your feet!
Child: Oh, these shoes?
Me: YOU ONLY HAVE … I’m sorry. Yes. Those shoes. Your only shoes.
Child: I can’t. I’m not wearing socks.
Me: Did you take your socks OFF?
Child: Well, I’m not wearing them anymore, so it’s a fair bet.
Me: Put on your socks, and then put on your shoes.
Child: I am!
Me: You’re not! You’re just sitting there!
Child: This is me putting on my shoes! This is part of it! All of this—this is the putting on of the shoes. It says in the I Ching—
Me: NO. NO MORE I FRIGGIN’ CHING. PUT YOUR … I’m sorry. Just … If you put your shoes on by the time I count to five, I’ll let you choose what we do next. One …
Child: (With socks and shoes already on) YouTube.
Argument 3
Child: Where is Mom?
Me: Why do you need her?
Child: Sometimes one just needs one’s mother.
Me: I’m standing right here. Perhaps I can help you.
Child: This falls under Mom’s purview, so …
Me: She’s busy right now, and I’m taking care of you.
Child: Busy where?
Me: Upstairs. But don’t go there.
(Child leaves room)
(Long pause; muffled discussion from upstairs)
(Child returns)
Child: I spoke with Mom.
Me: So I gather.
Child: Mom says to ask you. Where is the thing from before?
Me: The thing I wouldn’t give you before?
Child: Yes.
Me: Why do you want to know?
Child: I’m a curious person. I thirst for knowledge.
Me: But you can’t have it.
Child: Boy, you are really jumping to conclusions here! I know I can’t have it! I’m just curious.
Me: If I tell you where it is, will I find out at some future time that you have the thing?
Child: Does anyone truly know what the future holds?
Me: So there is a future where you’ve gone and gotten the thing.
Child: Hold that thought.
(Child leaves room)
(Long pause; muffled discussion from upstairs)
(Child returns)
Child: Mom says she’s busy and that you should just tell me where the thing is because I promised not to get it.
Me: You promised.
Child: As Mom is my witness.
Me: The thing is on top of the refrigerator.
Child: Why did you put it there?
Me: Because I don’t trust you.
Child: But … how is that possible? I trust YOU.
Me: Thanks.
Child: I trust you so much that I know when I go and get a stool and bring it over by the refrigerator and climb up it, the thing will be there.
Me: You promised you wouldn’t do that.
(Child leaves room)
Me: DO NOT GO TO THE KITCHEN. I SWEAR TO GOD, IF I HEAR THAT STEP STOOL—
(Child comes back into room)
Child: Why are you yelling at me?
Me: I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have yelled.
Child: Can I play on the computer?
Me: Yes.
(Child opens laptop and begins watching videos on YouTube)
(Mom walks downstairs)
Mom: I specifically told you not to get on the computer.
Child: Dad said I could.
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