4 Companies You’ll Wish You Worked For, Per the Onion
America's finest fake news site presents an inside glimpse at the 'best' places to work.
Great Work-Home Ratio
Laid-Back Company Allows Employees to Work from Home After 6 p.m.
GRESHAM, OR—Underscoring the benefits of working for a laid-back company like SocialFire Marketing, founder and CEO Matt Avalon told reporters Tuesday he had instituted an officewide policy permitting employees to work from home anytime after 6 p.m. “If it helps them be efficient and get more done, I have no problem with people working remotely once they’ve left the office for the day,” said Avalon. “That’s the kind of relaxed culture we strive to create here—one where you can even be working from your living room couch at two in the morning if you’d like.” Avalon added that employees are free to work from home on weekends and holidays as well.
Helpful Colleagues Advise Woman on Strategy for Speeding Ticket
HAGERSTOWN, MD—Local sales manager Patricia Carson reportedly received astute counsel Tuesday from a veritable legal dream team of coworkers, who dispensed invaluable advice on how to get out of a recent speeding ticket.
“You should totally fight it,” said junior marketing director Gregory Castle, widely regarded as one of the legal community’s preeminent scholars. “It’s a total racket.”
“Half the time, the radar gun is busted,” said software developer Mark Schreiber, laying the groundwork for a flawless defense that would hold up under the scrutiny of even the most ruthless prosecutor.
“Even if you were over the limit, you’re totally allowed to drive at the rate of traffic, so as long as you weren’t passing a bunch of cars, you should be good,” said office manager Sarah Gilchrist, 26.
Company sources confirmed that Carson’s meeting with her office’s law experts proved even more valuable than the lifesaving medical opinions she received earlier in the year after presenting a mole on her neck to the office’s top oncological researchers.
Woman Thinks She Can Just Waltz Back into Work After Maternity Leave Without Bringing Baby to Office
KENWOOD, OH—Saying she has a lot of nerve to try to pull something like this, employees of insurance agency Boland & Sons told reporters Wednesday that coworker Emily Nelson seems to believe she can just waltz back into work after her maternity leave without once bringing her baby into the office. “I don’t know where she gets off thinking she doesn’t need to come in here with that baby strapped around her in a Björn,” said Greg Sheldrick, adding that Nelson is out of her mind if she seriously believes showing off a few measly pictures of the newborn is an adequate substitute for bringing him around to meet everyone in the department. “She needs to come in with that baby in a stroller, roll it by my desk, and say, ‘Somebody wants to say hello,’ or, frankly, she might as well never show her face here again.”
Progressive Company Pays Both Men and Women 78 Percent of What They Should Be Earning
SEATTLE—Stressing the importance of treating all its staff members equally, technology firm Northstar Solutions described to reporters Wednesday its strict policy of paying both male and female workers 78 percent of what they should be earning. “At Northstar, we believe that employees who contribute the same level of hard work for the same duties should earn the same fraction of a reasonable wage, regardless of whether they’re men or women,” said the company’s CEO, Jack Stargell, who noted that every staff member’s compensation package was routinely reviewed to ensure that personnel with comparable experience and job responsibilities were being equivalently underpaid.