From neighbors who become like parents to friends who show up like siblings, chosen families are filling vital roles in people's lives. Here's why 87% of Americans have one—and how you can build yours.
As a young mom living across the country from my beloved family, I was drowning. Isolated all day with a baby I adored but who couldn’t exactly hold up his end of a conversation, I was starving for human connection. Then I met three other moms through church, women who had babies the same age and eventually became the Core Four. We did everything together: endless playdates, birthday parties, even Christmas mornings. They were my lifeline through the postpartum fog, and our kids grew up as close as siblings. I have no idea how I would have survived without them.
Cole L. knows exactly what I mean. Growing up in a conservative religious household in South Carolina, he struggled to accept his identity as a gay man. “It just seemed that this one aspect of my life was consuming everything else,” says the now 47-year-old. But his chosen family—from his “swife” (straight wife) from massage school to his husband to friends he bonded with over EDM concerts—helped him see himself as whole. “They helped me realize it was just part of who I am, not the whole enchilada,” he explains.
We’re part of a bigger movement than you might think. Research published in the Journal of Family Issues shows that 87% of Americans have at least one person they consider “fictive kin,” the academic term for chosen family. People reported an average network size of 7.5 people (only in research do you get half a person!), and 61% said they routinely received fictive kin support.
This consistent support is a big deal. For Cole and I, chosen family provided acceptance and support our biological families couldn’t offer in that moment. For 22-year-old college student Kelsey L. of Boulder, Colorado, her chosen family fills the gap left by family who live far away. And for 78-year-old Sarah R. of Lakeville, Minnesota, her found family stepped in when her loved ones died or moved away.
According to Stephanie Mazer, PsyD, a licensed psychologist and founder of SOS Signs of Suicide, this trend reflects a deeper crisis in our society. “Despite having endless digital connections, more people than ever describe feeling deeply alone,” she explains, adding that chosen families help address this modern loneliness by providing the genuine, meaningful connections that scrolling through social media simply can’t replace.
Read on to learn what chosen families are, why they matter and how to build your own—whether you’re supplementing your family or creating one from scratch.
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What, exactly, is a chosen family?
A chosen family is exactly what it sounds like: the people you choose to treat as family, regardless of blood relation or legal ties. Unlike your biological family, which you’re born into (whether you like it or not) or your in-laws, who come with marriage (bless them), your chosen family is made up of people you actively select to fill familial roles in your life, whether that’s providing emotional support, celebrating milestones or simply being there through thick and thin.
Chosen families often form during major life transitions—moments when people feel stuck between their old selves and new, Mazer says. “Big life shifts, like starting a new career, relocating to a new city, having a baby or experiencing significant loss, can create both anxiety and an identity crisis,” she says. These are precisely the moments when people need chosen family most, helping them move through change with support and clarity.
This becomes even more critical as we age, as these “found” family members provide community and support. “The sweetest family down the street adopted me about 10 years ago when they heard I was going to be alone for Thanksgiving, and we’ve spent the holiday together every year since,” Sarah says. “Just talking about it makes me tear up. My family are from another country, and most have passed anyhow. So knowing that I have people here who love me means everything to me.”
An alternative family
The concept of found family has deep roots in LGBTQ+ communities, where many people have historically faced rejection from biological families and created their own support networks. The statistics are sobering: Nearly 39% of queer adults have faced rejection from their birth families, and about 40% of homeless youth identify as LGBTQ. But there’s a beautiful flip side to these hard numbers—roughly 64% of LGBTQ baby boomers have built and continue to rely on chosen families, creating vibrant networks of support that often outshine what biology provided.
“Growing up in a super conservative religion, it was hard to accept myself,” Cole shares. His chosen family became the place where he could be fully himself without judgment or shame, a space where being gay was just one part of who he is, not a deal-breaker.
An add-on to family
Chosen families aren’t just for those who’ve been rejected by blood relatives. They can supplement or complement your biological family, filling needs that geographic distance, different life experiences or simply different personalities can’t meet.
“We don’t have any biological family in Colorado,” Kelsey explains, noting that “having a support system that was close by was essential.” Turns out, FaceTime with your brother doesn’t do the trick when you need someone to help you move your couch.
What does a chosen family look like?
Chosen families are as unique as fingerprints, as varied as people’s coffee orders and sometimes just as weirdly specific. There’s no one-size-fits-all model. Your chosen family might look completely different from someone else’s, and that’s not just OK—it’s the whole point.
A patchwork of deep friendships
Cole’s chosen family is a beautifully eclectic collection of people he’s met throughout different chapters of his life, like the world’s best reality show cast, but they actually like each other. There’s his former roommate from massage school, whom he affectionately calls his “swife” because “the way we treat each other is like a married couple.” There’s a friend who started as—stay with me here—his former friend’s ex-best friend; when things got awkward with the original friend, Cole and this person started hanging out more and developed their own bond. They’ve since traveled together and shared countless experiences, proving that sometimes the best relationships come from relationship leftovers.
His chosen family also includes a friend from a similar background who also came out, someone “who is fiercely protective over his friends and always knows how to make me feel better about myself when I am down,” and even a buddy he bonded with over EDM concerts, video games and anime. And of course, there’s his husband, “who motivates me to be a better person and loves me even when I am at my worst,” he says.
“Each one is very different and unique, and these are just a few,” Cole says. The common thread? “They are people who supported me and were around in the good times and the bad times.”
Your chosen family isn’t a mishmash of the people who show up only when there’s free food. It’s a group of those who show up when life is messy and you need someone to ugly-cry with.
A neighborhood that became family
Kelsey’s chosen family looks entirely different but is no less meaningful. Her “Colorado family” consists of the neighbors who live just down the block: Jake, who’s “like my second brother” (they even fight like siblings sometimes, which is how you know it’s real); Haley, who babysat Kelsey when she was younger and is “like the older sister I never had”; and Michelle and Derek, who are “pretty much like my second set of parents.”
“From neighborhood hangouts to shared holidays and milestones, I honestly can’t remember a time when they weren’t a part of my life,” Kelsey says. “Since the day that we moved in, they’ve been my second family.” And hey, when your neighbors become family, the homeowners association meetings probably get a lot more interesting.
A package deal
Sarah’s found family came as an entire unit—mom, dad, three kids and a dog. Talk about going from zero to 60. “Overnight, I went from having literally no family in my life, none, to being adopted into this big, chaotic, beautiful family,” says the 78-year-old.
The experience has been particularly healing for Sarah, whose only son died in an accident over 20 years ago. “Getting to be around little ones again has healed my heart in a way I didn’t know it could be,” she shares.
What started with a Thanksgiving dinner invitation from her neighbors, the Jensons, blossomed into genuine family ties. They shovel her snow, host game nights and check in with her to see if she needs anything from the store. When Sarah had a health scare last year, they drove her to doctor’s appointments and kept her company while she waited for test results.
And it’s definitely not a one-way street. Neither Jenson adult has living parents, so Sarah has become The Grandma. “The kids will come over and play at my house almost every day because my backyard is much bigger and I have a gigantic treehouse that my son built,” Sarah explains. “I’ll sit outside, keeping an eye on them to give their parents a break.” She also walks their dog every morning for exercise. “She’s basically 80 in dog years, so we keep about the same pace,” she laughs.
She even knows all the kids’ birthdays (and has made them all special blankies because that’s what grandmas do). “And I keep a secret stash of candy just for them—shhh!” she adds.
What are the benefits of creating a “found family”?
The perks of having a chosen family go far beyond receiving extra texts on your birthday (though that’s nice too). Here are some of the most significant benefits:
Acceptance and authentic self-expression
Perhaps the most profound benefit is the freedom to be completely yourself—no code-switching, no putting on the “family dinner” personality, no pretending you’re someone you’re not. “Something that truly makes it feel like family, that I love, is that I can be my full, authentic self around them and not worry about any judgment,” Kelsey explains.
For Cole, this acceptance was literally life-changing. His chosen family helped him develop self-appreciation “in a new way, flaws and all.” As he puts it: “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have them in my life.” When your chosen family saves your life by helping you love yourself, that’s the kind of ROI you can’t put a price tag on.
Constant presence and support
Chosen families show up—and keep showing up. Kelsey’s Colorado family has been at every major milestone: They were at her high school graduation and graduation party, and they’ll be at her college graduation. “They have supported me through all of my ups and downs of life, and I couldn’t be more grateful,” she says.
They also do life together in the everyday moments. Kelsey and her chosen family hang out almost every other weekend, celebrate all their big moments together and travel extensively, most recently spending three weeks in London and Ireland over Christmas and New Year’s. (If you can survive three weeks of international travel with people and still like them afterward, that’s basically the relationship equivalent of getting a PhD.)
Cole’s experience is similar: “We have traveled together, we have celebrated together, we have cried together and supported one another through it all.”
A reliable safety net
Knowing you have people you can turn to for advice and support provides invaluable peace of mind—especially in a world where your phone battery might die at the most inconvenient time … like when you actually need to call someone. “I’m not sure if I could have continued living on my own without the Jensons checking in on me,” Sarah says. “They’ve saved me more times than I can count.”
Her situation may be completely different, but Kelsey feels the same way. “Most importantly, they are people that I know I can go to whenever I need advice, support or just a pick-me-up,” she says. With her biological family living hours away, having this nearby support system means she’s never truly alone when she needs someone.
And according to research, having strong fictive kin relationships isn’t just nice—it’s linked to better mental health outcomes and overall well-being. Turns out your mom was right: Having good friends really does matter.
Protection against loneliness and its health impacts
The benefits of chosen families go beyond feeling good—they’re actually critical for your health. Mazer points out that loneliness can harm both mental and physical health, increasing the risk of depression, anxiety and chronic illness. Having a chosen family provides a buffer against these serious health consequences by ensuring you have genuine connections and support.
For Sarah, whose loved ones had died or moved away, the health implications were real. Being welcomed into the Jenson family didn’t just make her days more pleasant—it likely contributed to her overall well-being and longevity.
How can you build a chosen family of your own?
Creating a chosen family doesn’t happen overnight—it’s more like slow-cooking a pot roast than microwaving instant ramen. But it’s absolutely achievable, and honestly, it’s probably more delicious in the end. Here’s how to start cultivating your own:
Give it time and don’t force it
The first rule of building a chosen family? Be patient and don’t be creepy about it. “I’d say my biggest advice is not to force it,” Kelsey says. “Your chosen family will come into your life when the timing is right.”
This isn’t speed dating for platonic relationships—you can’t just walk up to someone at Target and ask if they want to be your chosen family. (Well, you could, but I don’t recommend it.)
Interestingly, Mazer says that chosen families often emerge organically during major life transitions—when you’re having a baby (like me), moving to a new city (like Kelsey), coming out (like Cole) or dealing with loss (like Sarah). These vulnerable moments, when you’re navigating significant change, naturally create opportunities for deeper connections with people going through similar experiences or who can support you through the shift.
Cultivate existing relationships
Instead of actively seeking out people to fill family-shaped holes in your life, focus on investing in the relationships you already have—friends, neighbors, mentors and colleagues. “Sometimes the people that you already spend time with will become your chosen family naturally, but it takes time and care,” Kelsey adds.
Cole agrees: “Having a chosen family takes time and effort.” His chosen family members came into his life at different points, through different circumstances, but the common thread was that he allowed the relationships to develop organically through shared experiences.
Look for people who show up in good times and bad
Want to know if someone’s chosen family material? Notice who brings you soup when you’re sick, not just who shows up for your birthday party when there’s cake. Pay attention to who’s there for you consistently.
Cole describes his chosen family as people who are there for him when he’s at his lowest. These are the folks who answer your 2 a.m. panic calls, who celebrate your smallest wins and who don’t disappear when life gets messy and you haven’t showered in three days.
“They’ve shown me over and over again that they will be there for me when I need them, and I hope I have shown the same to them,” Sarah says.
Invest in the relationship through shared experiences
Chosen family bonds strengthen through time spent together and experiences shared—like a friendship that’s been through the washing machine a few times and comes out softer and better. Both Cole and Kelsey mention traveling with their chosen families, celebrating milestones together and simply hanging out regularly. Sarah says she and her clan do the same. “We now have our own holiday traditions we do together, like making ornaments together on Christmas Eve,” she says.
Look for opportunities to create traditions and shared memories. This might mean establishing a regular dinner date, planning trips together or simply making it a point to check in consistently. “Whenever we get together or talk, it is as if no time passed at all,” Cole says of his chosen family members, but that ease comes from the foundation of time invested.
Practice open communication and set boundaries
Just like with biological family, chosen family relationships require honest conversations and clear boundaries because even people you love dearly can drive you absolutely bonkers sometimes, and that’s OK. “Boundaries are good. Open and honest conversation is important,” Cole advises. “You have to determine if the relationship is worth it, and if so, don’t give up when things get a little edgy.”
It’s so important to address issues early, before they snowball, Mazer says. She points out that relationships aren’t just impacted by big betrayals—repeated small hurts, like criticism, dismissiveness or being ignored, can erode trust over time. These “microtraumas,” as she calls them, often go unrecognized but can leave significant emotional wounds if left unaddressed. The key is speaking up about small hurts before they become big problems.
Offer forgiveness
Not every relationship will be smooth sailing, and that’s normal. But the temptation to cut ties is real—if you chose them, you can unchoose them. You’ll need to be very careful before you take that nuclear option.
“You are just going through some moment that will polish and refine it into something beautiful, and that will really sparkle,” Cole explains.
The key is working through challenges rather than giving up at the first sign of conflict, Sarah says. “Real family, chosen or otherwise, means sometimes having uncomfortable conversations and working through disagreements. I’m grateful we have the kind of relationship where we can.”
Give yourself (and others) grace
Building deep, family-like relationships takes emotional vulnerability and patience—with yourself and others. It’s messy. It’s awkward sometimes. You’ll probably say the wrong thing or misread a situation. And that’s completely fine. As Cole wisely puts it, “Give yourself grace and time!”
Research backs this up: Studies show that chosen family relationships develop over extended periods, with older adults (61–79) more likely to have fictive kin (35%) than younger people (16% for those 18–40). Apparently, we get better at choosing our people as we get older and more experienced at this whole “being human” thing.
OK, but what if I actually like my family?
Having a chosen family doesn’t mean you have to reject or replace your biological family. There isn’t some cosmic rule that says you have to pick. In fact, you can have both. And many people do.
Kelsey is a perfect example. “In terms of my biological family, I love them so much and get along with them super well,” she says. But because most of her relatives live far away, “we needed a sense of family that was nearby. This chosen family fills that gap, giving me the closeness and the support that I can’t always get from my relatives who live hours away.”
The two types of family serve different but complementary purposes. Her biological family provides that irreplaceable connection to her roots and history—the people who know all her embarrassing childhood stories and probably have photographic evidence. Meanwhile, her chosen Colorado family offers the day-to-day presence and proximity that distance makes impossible with blood relatives. It’s like having both a backup generator and solar panels: different power sources that work together to keep the lights on.
Even Cole, whose journey to acceptance with his biological family was more complicated, has found a way to include them in his chosen family. After navigating the ups and downs of coming out, he and his biological family worked to build a better relationship. “We knew we wanted a better relationship, and we put in the effort, and today things are so good with them. I wouldn’t change a thing,” he says. “So I guess I could even say that they too are a part of my chosen family!”
Plot twist: Sometimes your biological family earns their way into your chosen family. How’s that for a heartwarming character arc?
Sarah sees it as her life 2.0. “I had a whole life with my husband and son, before they passed away, and it was full and beautiful. I never imagined I would be alone at this point in my life,” she says. “I don’t see the Jensons as replacing my family. I see them as my next family. And they see me as their missing puzzle piece. It’s perfect.”
What are the legal limitations?
As meaningful as chosen family bonds are, it’s crucial to understand that they don’t come with the same legal protections as biological or legal family ties—which is frustrating, but it’s the reality we’re currently working with. This can create real challenges in situations like medical emergencies, end-of-life decisions, inheritance and even hospital visitation rights. Your chosen family member might know all your medical history and wishes better than anyone, but the hospital might still call your estranged cousin that you haven’t spoken to in 15 years because they’re “legal family.”
This reality is particularly important for LGBTQ+ individuals who rely heavily on chosen family but may face legal barriers when it comes to making decisions for or about their chosen family members. The good news? Some cities and states are catching on. New York City, Chicago, San Francisco and several other major cities now allow workers to use paid time off to care for anyone they personally define as family, “whether they’re related by blood or affinity.” It’s progress, but there’s still a long way to go.
Some workarounds include establishing legal documents, like health care proxies, powers of attorney and wills, that specifically name your chosen family members. It’s not perfect, and it involves paperwork (ugh), but it’s better than leaving these crucial decisions to chance or outdated legal definitions.
“They don’t know it, but I’ve written my will in such a way that most of it will go to them, primarily for the little ones, to help with their education,” Sarah says. “This gives me such peace of mind.”
Finding your own chosen family
Whether you’re looking to supplement your biological family, create a local support system when relatives live far away or build a family from scratch after estrangement, chosen families offer a powerful way to ensure you have the love and support everyone deserves. Because at the end of the day, family isn’t just about who you’re related to—it’s about who shows up, who loves you and who chooses you back.
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For over 100 years, Reader’s Digest has explored the nuances of relationships, working with such luminaries as Dr. Ruth Westheimer, John Gottman, PhD, and Leo Buscaglia (“Dr. Love”). We ran a decade-long relationships column and have published a compendium of features, Love and Marriage: The Reader’s Digest Guide to Intimate Relationships. For this piece, Charlotte Hilton Andersen tapped her experience as a longtime journalist who specializes in relationships and communication for Reader’s Digest. We support this information with credentialed experts and primary sources such as government and professional organizations, peer-reviewed journals and our writers’ personal experiences where it enhances the topic. We verify all facts and data and revisit them over time to ensure they remain accurate and up to date. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
Sources:
- Cole L., Denver resident who’s part of a chosen family; in-person interview, Nov. 12, 2025
- Kelsey L., Boulder, Colorado, resident who’s part of a chosen family; in-person interview, Nov. 14, 2025
- Sarah R., Lakeville, Minnesota, resident who’s part of a chosen family; phone interview, Nov. 15, 2025
- Stephanie Mazer, PsyD, PsyPact, licensed psychologist and founder of SOS Signs of Suicide; email interview, Nov. 15, 2025
- Journal of Family: “Fictive Kin Networks among African Americans, Black Caribbeans, and Non-Latino Whites”
- The Journals of Gerontology: “Just like family: Fictive kin relationships in the Netherlands”
- Psychology Today: “Finding Connection Through ‘Chosen Family'”
- Research on Aging: “Fictive Kin as a Component of the Social Networks of Older People”
