The Easter Candy Everyone Secretly Hates—But No One Will Admit
It's time to have a serious conversation about Easter candy. We're looking at you, Peeps.
Now some Easter traditions have logical explanations, like bunnies and painted eggs. But if obscure sweets properly commemorate Jesus rising from the dead, shouldn’t they at least taste good? (Check out this guide to having the ultimate Easter brunch.)
With that said, we’re counting down the four types of Easter candy that low-key should be banned—or just taste better.
Off-brand jelly beans
Maybe Jelly Belly has a secret jelly bean recipe, but other brands’ measure just don’t up to their quality or flavor selection. The bright side is you do get the opportunity to pick out the ones you don’t like (mostly black licorice, but, you know, others too). But let’s talk about the real issue with jelly beans. They used to be eaten at Christmastime AND the term “jelly bean” once was synonymous with gigolo. A candy with an identity crisis? No thanks. (Here are other surprising facts about jelly beans.)
Pastel malted milk eggs
Let’s be real: Malted milk balls taste like chalk. Dipping them in pretty pastel-colored coating doesn’t change that. I get that they look like Easter eggs, but bite the bullet and get solid chocolate ones (chocolate can be healthy, after all). Plus, eating them is like a mind game. Is it powder, or is it chocolate? Luckily, they’re small enough that you only have to endure the confusion for a few seconds. These photos show how Smarties are made.
Cadbury Crème Egg
A friend once described these as candy that “pretends to be solid chocolate but is actually filled with nasty liquids of varying viscosity.” And he couldn’t have been more accurate. Unexpectedly finding a caramel or raspberry center inside a hollow chocolate egg is a pleasant, welcome experience. But finding whatever the heck is in a Cadbury Crème Egg is like drinking vodka when you’re expecting water. However, we do know is in those abominations, and it’s called fondant. Made from water, granulated sugar, and corn syrup, this fondant is then dyed yellow and white to look like the yolk and albumen of a real egg. Because who doesn’t love taking a bite out of a raw egg? At least we can thank Richard Cadbury for the heart-shaped boxes of chocolate we get on Valentine’s Day.
Out of the various scientific studies I conducted in writing this candy evaluation (read: polls of Facebook friends and coworkers), there was one clear winner for the Worst Easter Candy Award, as well as a possible contender for Worst Candy of All Time: Peeps. They’re tasteless, annoyingly gooey, and if we’re being honest, a bit disturbing. It’s one thing to bite the head off a cookie or piece of chocolate that looks like a living creature. But one doesn’t simply bite the head off a Peep. You tear it off with varying levels of difficulty, depending on how stale it is, and feel like a monster in the process. Way to destroy our appetites and Easter’s mood of joy and rebirth, Peeps.
We may never know why candy companies choose to mass-produce these sugary mishaps every year, but we do know one thing. Easter candy baskets would be a bust without Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs and Dove chocolate. When the next sugar-centric holiday comes around, be prepared with these non-candy Halloween treats.