Hilarious Halloween Humor

Horrifically hilarious reader submissions.

Is your funny bone itching for some Halloween humor? Don’t worry — we’ve got it covered! Share our collection of silly submissions with anyone in need of a howl.

Trick or Tryst?

Desperate for a Halloween costume to wear to a party, my 43-year-old daughter had an inspired idea. She put on a slinky black dress, fishnet stockings and balanced a small tabletop on her head. On it was a lamp, a champagne glass and an ashtray with two cigarette butts. She went as a one-night stand. And won first prize.
— Contributed by Sandra Campbell

Private Party
It was Halloween night when a driver called our road-service dispatch office complaining that he was locked out of his car. I forwarded the information to a locksmith, along with one more detail: The car was parked at a nudist colony. Of course, the locksmith arrived in record time. But when he called in later, he wasn’t amused. “Figures,” he said. “I finally get to go to a nudist colony, and they’re having a costume party!”
— Contributed by Neil Klein

Mummified Mom
Last year my daughter and her children were invited to a Halloween party. Her older son wanted to go as Count Dracula; her daughter, as a ballerina; her younger son, as the cabin boy in Treasure Island. Then my daughter donned her own costume, wrapping herself in strips of white sheeting. At the party she collapsed, exhausted, on the sofa.

“And who are you?” someone asked her.

“I’m a tired mummy,” my daughter said.
— Contributed by Corinne Morse

I’ve Created a Monster!
For Halloween, my grandson wanted to be “The Incredible Hulk.” Using food coloring and a washcloth, my daughter dyed his hands, face, neck and blond hair the green shade of the TV monster.

After his bath the next morning, a faint green tint still remained. As my grandson was going out the door to school, he handed his mother a slip of paper he had forgotten to give her earlier. My daughter quickly opened the note.

School pictures were going to be taken that day.
— Contributed by Ruth H. Smith

Don’t Play With Fire
As firefighters, we are required to wear our full bunker gear on all safety calls, even to advise homeowners of a county ordinance against burning leaves after dark. Last Halloween, two co-workers waited on the porch of one such offending household, helmets in hand, until a woman finally opened the door. Promptly dropping a candy bar into each helmet, she remarked, “You boys are a little old for this sort of thing, aren’t you?” and closed the door.
— Contributed by Steve Farmer

Climate Control
Everyone at the company I worked for dressed up for Halloween. One fellow’s costume stumped us. He simply wore slacks and a white T-shirt with a large 98.6 printed across the front in glitter. When someone finally asked what he was supposed to be, he replied, “I’m a temp.”
— Contributed by Brian Davis

Outfit Over-Easy
The last thing my friend Christy was prepared for was an invitation to a costume party. Eight and a half months pregnant, she was in no shape for any conventional costume. Still, she wanted to go, so she painted a big yellow circle on an extra-extra-large white T-shirt, dug a pair of red devil horns out of her kids’ Halloween junk pile … and went as a deviled egg.
— Contributed by Betty C. Hatcher

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