27 of the Funniest Parenting Tweets That Will Make You LOL
These basically sum up the hilarity of parenting in 140 characters or less.
1. Selective hearing
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they'll materialize out of nowhere.
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz) March 14, 2017
2. Who needs sleep?
Get married and have kids so that you can be woken up at 4:56 am on a Saturday by someone asking what the opposite of "J" is.
— Ash (@adult_mom) March 4, 2017
3. The morning grind
Before I had kids, I didn't know I could ruin someone's day by saying, "Get dressed, please."
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 7, 2017
4. Always room for chips
9yo: I feel sick.
Me: Do you think you're going to throw up?
9: Yes. Can I have some chips?
— MamaFizzles (@MamaFizzles) March 11, 2017
5. The real playtime
Every game my kids play has the same two rules:
1) Make as much noise as humanly possible.
2) Make sure someone cries at the end.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 11, 2017
6. No rest for the weary
From what I can gather, motherhood is just repeatedly getting up after having just sat down two seconds ago.
— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties) February 21, 2017
Don’t miss these hilarious pieces of parenting advice for dads from comedians who’ve been there.
7. Invasion of privacy
The signal I apparently send my kids when I try to use the bathroom alone. pic.twitter.com/GTNu3QiDwR
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) March 14, 2017
8. “What was I saying?”
I'm just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) January 2, 2017
9. The best attention-grabber
Clean your rooms! -silence
Let the dog out! -silence
Open a YouTube video – 2,000 children appear behind you screaming they wanna see.
— Court (@Discourt) March 14, 2017
10. Loss of appetite
5y.o: "I'm starving! Can I have a snack?"
Me: "Dinner's almost ready."
5: "What's dinner?"
5: "Ew! I'm not hungry."
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) March 7, 2017
11. Experiment gone wrong
The most horrifying thing I've ever heard:
"MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!"
— Sara Says Stop (@PetrickSara) March 14, 2017
12. Clean eating
My kids never finish their dinner because they're saving room for bath water.
— Unfiltered Mama (@UnfilteredMama) February 19, 2016
13. Swear on my mother’s grave
*Engraved On My Headstone*
She died doing what she loved, turning socks right side out while counting the minutes until bedtime.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable) March 8, 2017
5 year olds say the cutest things like “I love you” and “hey mom when you just took your pants off everything was all jiggly and wiggly.”
— Court (@Discourt) March 14, 2017
15. Important parenting lessons
My 6yo's assignment was to draw a challenge she thinks she can overcome. So she drew herself teaching me how to use the tv remote. pic.twitter.com/8JcB2K0e7j
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) February 19, 2017
16. Blood, sweat, and tears
Being a parent is just basically walking around the house saying, "Clean up this mess!" until everyone is crying.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) March 5, 2017
17. Guess who?
Me: [in bathroom]
7yo: [knocks] MOMMY?
Me: Yeah pal
7: IT'S ME
Me: I know
7: YOUR SON
Me: Knew that too
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) June 19, 2016
18. Déjà vu
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is “Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
— Rob Fee (@robfee) March 3, 2015
19. Pain is beauty
My 2-year-old stood still and cooperated when I brushed her hair
I chased her through the house like Jason in a slasher flick
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 13, 2017
20. Scrounging for scraps
I never realized how much of parenthood would involve competing with the dog for my kids' leftover fries.
— Lurkin' Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) March 11, 2017
21. Big answers for big questions
My son was crying and asked, "why doesn't the dog have to wear pants?" And it's like, I don't even know. So now I'm putting pants on a dog.
— Tragic Ally (@TragicAllyHere) September 30, 2016
22. Above the trends
"Oh my god, why are you so obsessed with clothes?!"
– My 6yo, when I asked him to hurry up and get dressed for school
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) March 13, 2017
23. A mother’s true love
6yo: "When my play date gets here you and her mom can just go do 'Mom Things' like drink wine and talk about Girl Scout cookies, ok?"
— Wendy S. (@maughammom) March 4, 2017
24. Try again (and again and again)
Beware a child who has learned a joke or a magic trick.
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) March 14, 2017
25. Tag is a contact sport
When a kid asks a sibling to play a game of tag, they're basically asking if their sibling wants to take a jog that ends in a fight.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal) March 9, 2017
26. Play pretend
Me: Go clean your room.
Translation: Go away for a few minutes. We both know you're not going to really clean anything in there.
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) March 9, 2017
27. Sleepless nights
Me: Like, I couldn't be more exhausted.
Parenthood: Hang on a day or so there. You can be. *Winks*
— Jennifer S. White (@yenniwhite) March 8, 2017