If <i>Star Wars: Episode VII</i> Was Directed by Martin Scorsese, Lena Dunham and Other Famous Filmmakers
It might look something like this.
Walt Disney Pictures aims to release one new Star Wars film every summer for at least six years, beginning with Episode VII in 2015. This is good news. JJ Abrams, creator of the TV show Lost and rebooter of the current Star Trek film franchise, has agreed to direct the upcoming Star Wars sequel. But with Disney proposing a film-a-year rollout, maybe they can “force” some of our favorite filmmakers to get in on the action.
1. Star Wars: Boba Unmasked
Directed by: Quentin Tarantino
Plot: His father was murdered by Jedi. He was humiliated and left for dead in the deepest, darkest hole on Tatooine. Now he’s back—and Boba Fett, the deadliest bounty hunter in the galaxy, won’t rest until Luke Skywalker and Han Solo get what they deserve. Samuel L. Jackson returns to the Star Wars saga in the role he was born to play: the mean Mandalorian m****r f****r, Boba Unmasked.
2. Star Wars: Return of the Graduate (to Her Childhood Bedroom)
Directed by: Lena Dunham
Plot: Hannah Solo is a half-Jedi who just wants to feel it all. Born to Han and Leia twentysomething years after the fall of the Galactic Empire, Hannah and her listless peers cruise the skyways of Coruscant, each waging a personal war to find love…and purpose. (Featuring Jemima Kirke as Jemima Binks.)
3. Star Wars: A Schlub’s Awakening
Directed by: Woody Allen
In his long-anticipated follow-up to the sci-fi spoof Sleeper, Woody Allen embodies a neurotic Jedi robe tailor who finds himself frozen in carbonite after being glib with the wrong Sith general. He awakens 200 years later, after the fall of the Empire, where he must learn to adjust to an increasingly Jedi-free world. Will the Force—and quirky cantina girl Scarlett Johansson—be with him? Find out June 2017.
Next: Michael Moore, Martin Scorsese, and Judd Apatow visit the galaxy far, far, away
4. Star Wars: Planet of Traitors (or, The InSidious Truth About Alderaan)
Directed by: Michael Moore
Controversial documentarian Michael Moore returns to cinema with a gripping, grass-roots investigation into the destruction of Planet Alderaan, paying particular attention to Princess Leia Organa’s incidental rise to galactic power following the annihilation of her people. Also: did the employees of the second Death Star have health insurance? And of course, should Ewoks be sold for pets or meat?
5. Star Wars: Goo Fellas
Directed by: Martin Scorsese
Gelatinous mobster Blobby the Hutt (Robert DeNiro) is the most ruthless crime lord in the galaxy, and one streetwise young Twi’lek (Leonardo DiCaprio) has the big man’s ear. Will Leo remain loyal, even when an assault of bounty hunters, Imperial peacekeepers, and a few nosy Jedi knights try to bring Blobby down for good? Find out in the 2015 mob odyssey critics are already hailing as “better than The Blobfather.”
6. Star Wars: The 900 Year-Old Virgin
Directed by: Judd Apatow
Master Yoda was one of the last surviving Jedi, and one of the single most powerful creatures in the galaxy. But there’s one thing his infinite wisdom and skill couldn’t get him: a girlfriend. This is the story of all those weekend trips to Dagobah you didn’t hear about: the trips where Student became Master, and Luke Skywalker tried his damnedest to get old Yoda some sweet swamp lovin’. (Featuring Megan Fox as the Illusion of Attainable Lovers in the Cave of Evil.)
Which directors should we ask next?