There's even a trick for getting them to stop treating you like a kid
When we’re kids, our relationship with our parents is pretty straightforward. They feed, clothe and love us—and we lean on them for endless coaching and cheerleading as we grow into our own (amazing) people.
But then, once we’re all adults, it’s a whole new ballgame. They’re filling your wine glass and telling you how they really met. (In a mosh pit?! Just stop!) And you find yourself giving up details from your own personal life … while making sure they don’t expect every last one.
No matter how much Mom and Dad insist we’re still their babies, our relationship with our parents majorly changes once we’re adulting. And it’s more than just knocking back beers together or getting added to your dad’s fantasy football league. It’s a dramatic life pivot that nobody tells you how to navigate.
Well, we think it’s time to change that, so we asked four experts how you can have an even better relationship with your parents in your 20s, 30s and beyond. Read on for their insider tips on getting to know one another as equals, setting (healthy) boundaries and handling the years when you suddenly find yourself reminding them to not click on fake IRS scams.
Get Reader’s Digest’s Read Up newsletter for more family, humor, cleaning, travel, tech and fun facts all week long.
How does our relationship with our parents change as we age?
Our connection with our parents completely transforms because we’re no longer dependent on them. Suddenly, we’re equals. That said, while they no longer have a real say in what we choose to do or not do, they still have opinions … whether or not we want them. On the flip side, we might start to see our parents differently—flaws and all. Plus, as we get up and running in our grown-up lives, we’re handling new life circumstances and stresses, says Ashwini Nadkarni, MD, an assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. Meanwhile, if your parents are empty-nesting, they’re going through some changes of their own.
But despite the mutual shifts, your parents probably still think of you as their baby, points out Lisa Chen, LMFT, a psychotherapist and the founder of Lisa Chen & Associates Psychotherapy in Hermosa Beach, California. And this can cause some hiccups. “Most parents want closeness, and they tend to express it in the ways they always have,” she says. “They might say: ‘You never call me. Can you speak now?'” That can feel intrusive while you’re busy setting yourself up as your own person on all fronts (work, love, your social circle).
So how do you create a healthy adult relationship with your parents?
It may take some time to set up a healthy and comfortable adult bond with your parents, but it’s well worth the effort. Having a solid bond with your folks as an adult gives you “emotional support, which enhances self-esteem, well-being, security and belonging,” says Dr. Nadkarni. “Secure attachments with your parents in this stage of life can also serve as a model to build other healthy relationships.”
Ready to deepen your bond? Here our experts’ tips for strengthening your relationship with your parents once you’re a full-fledged adult.
Be a friend back
It may have first dawned on you when you turned 21 and your mom handed you a stiff cocktail that you were suddenly on new ground—almost like friends. Is that weird? No, it’s perfectly normal and healthy to be friends with your parents at this stage, experts say.
“If you truly want to improve your relationship and treat each other as equals, treat them as you would a good friend or friend couple,” says Anthony Damaschino, the author of The Empty Nest Blueprint and the parent of three grown kids. He recommends including your parents in some favorite activities (golf, tennis, a charity 5K) and inviting them to go places that are meaningful to you—whether it’s to see a band they like too or to check out a restaurant near your home.
“Friendship with your parents begins when you stop seeking their approval and start relating as peers,” echoes Chen. “Ask about their lives, not just for advice with an issue you’re dealing with.” You may be so used to them peppering you with questions about your job and your friends that you forget to say, “Hey, how did that big work presentation go, Mom?” Try it sometime to unlock the next level of authentic connection.
Set healthy boundaries
One secret to having a great bond with your parents is leaving some breathing room between you. “Healthy boundaries aren’t about shutting people out—they’re about staying connected,” says psychologist Brittany Woolford, PhD, founder of Authentic Connections Therapy and Wellness in Denver. If you’re feeling resentful of their drop-ins or uncomfortable with their nosy questions, resist the urge to pull away. Instead, “communicate about what you need to stay close,” she urges. “When done well, boundaries build trust and respect.”
Let’s say your parents keep crossing a line with a hot-button topic—for instance, your mom always asks, “Dating anyone? When are you going to give me grandkids?” You can’t control her nagging, but you get to decide how you’ll respond, Woolford says. So you might say, “I love talking with you, but when this topic comes up, I find it hard to stay connected. If it keeps coming up, I’m going to change the subject or have to leave the conversation.” This tactic works because it keeps the focus firmly on your actions, not theirs.
Acknowledge their good intentions
It’s super common for parents to default to treating you like you’re still a child—and for you to revert to your seventh-grade self and huff at them as they critique your choice of outerwear or try to get you to eat more. “Parents default to caregiving because it’s especially familiar with their children, even as adults,” Chen says. But here’s the problem with getting annoyed with it. “When we reject and react to their suggestions, we reject their intention to express love and concern,” she says. “They can feel dismissed.”
Instead, acknowledge their intention and gently pivot to your preference. She suggests saying things like, “Thanks for thinking of me, but I’ve got my lunch for today,” or “I’ve got my coat to keep me warm enough, but I love that you’re concerned about my comfort.”
Pick up the check (really!)
Another way to train them out of babying mode is to show them you’ve got your stuff together, Damaschino notes. “Clear the table, contribute to the meal, pick up the check or drive your parents somewhere,” he recommends. “They’re little things, but often it is all the little things that demonstrate to parents that their child has grown up.”
Swap meals for new (fun) adventures
“Doing something new together changes the dynamics of any relationship, but it’s especially helpful with our parents,” says Chen. The novelty of trying something together gives you all the chance to get to know one another in a brand-new way. You automatically have new roles, since there’s no history from 20 years ago to fall back on. Attempting to master a new skill like axe throwing also gives you something to laugh about together.
These are some ways that Chen’s clients have broken out of the dinner-out rut with their parents:
- Going on walking dates instead of out to eat.
- Learning a new skill together, like pickleball, pottery or painting.
- Exploring new neighborhoods, bookstores and museums.
- Building a new tradition, like volunteering once a month together.
Be strategic if you have a rocky relationship
It’s no doubt tougher to bond if one or both of your parents is difficult or if your family just has a lot of baggage. To stay connected without straining your mental health, “keep the connection light, structured and predictable,” Chen advises. “Your nervous system needs a sense of control over interactions with parents. That might mean shorter telephone calls, spending two days instead of a long weekend with your parents or having a list of superficial topics on hand, such as sports or travel.”
It also may help to keep your expectations low, especially if you have parents who may be physically present but psychologically absent—what Dr. Nadkarni calls “ambiguous loss.” If this is your situation, boundaries are, once again, your best friend. Figure out ways to connect that aren’t upsetting for you. Maybe that’s just a quick phone call rather than in-person visits, she says. Be ready with a good go-to line, like “Let’s change the subject,” if the talk is too much, she adds.
How can you maintain a strong relationship with your parents as they age?
It isn’t easy to see your parents reach the stage where you need to check in on them and help them do basic things like keep groceries in the fridge. “When parents begin to need your help, the dynamics of support and guidance can get turned on their head,” says Dr. Nadkarni. These relating strategies can help make this stage easier on both of you so you stay connected in whatever way you still can.
Partner, don’t parent
“It’s stressful to reach an age when our parents need our help,” Chen says. “It reminds us that life is finite and we have limited time with our parents.” The people who once cared for us now need help themselves, but they are too proud to ask for it. “Instead of taking control, my advice is to shift into partnership and collaboration.”
Some great phrases are: “Do you want advice or options, or do you want me to just listen?” Or, “Would you like help planning together?”
Set them up to succeed
Maybe your mom or dad sometimes forgets to book their flu shot or refill their meds. At the same time, they bristle when you nag them about it. “It’s key to navigate the delicate balance with a respect for parental autonomy,” says Dr. Nadkarni. The best way? Think of ways you can team up to create systems that work better for them, rather than rushing in and doing it all.
So, for instance, if you are helping your parent remember to refill their medications, ask if they might be open to switching to a pharmacy providing delivery service, she suggests. If they forget to take their pills, mention you find pill holders helpful, and volunteer to bring one the next time you come over.
With a little effort, you can help them stay as independent as possible, which will help you, your parent and your bond.
About the experts
|
Why trust us
At Reader’s Digest, we’re committed to producing high-quality content by writers with expertise and experience in their field in consultation with relevant, qualified experts. We rely on reputable primary sources, including government and professional organizations and academic institutions as well as our writers’ personal experiences where appropriate. For this piece on maintaining a good relationship with your parents, Lisa Lombardi tapped her experience as a longtime journalist who often covers health, wellness, psychology and lifestyle topics for Reader’s Digest. We verify all facts and data, back them with credible sourcing and revisit them over time to ensure they remain accurate and up to date. Read more about our team, our contributors and our editorial policies.
Sources:
- Lisa Chen, LMFT, psychotherapist and founder of Lisa Chen & Associates Psychotherapy; email interview, Nov. 12, 2025
- Ashwini Nadkarni, MD, assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School; email interview, Nov. 13, 2025
- Brittany Woolford, PhD, psychologist and founder of Authentic Connections Therapy and Wellness; email interview, Nov. 11, 2025
- Anthony Damaschino, author of The Empty Nest Blueprint; email interview, Nov. 11, 2025
