A Toddler’s Email Complaint to Customer Service About Her Mommy®

This little girl needs to voice her opinion.

ATTN: Customer Service

I am writing to you seeking assistance with my Mommy®. I received my Mommy® in 2019 and was immediately pleased with the model. The first year, she worked great. She was attentive. She satisfied my needs and rarely caused me any grief. However, over the last year, I’ve noticed incremental changes in her quality.

For example, she used to jump to rescue me from my prison whenever I whimpered, and we’d retire to her room until morning. Now I receive a stern “Go back to sleep!” yelled from somewhere in the darkness. I understand that routine use of the big bed is an introductory offer, but I thought it was automatically extended until year three. Did I misunderstand the contract?

I’ve also noticed an increasing lag in my Mommy®’s responsiveness during daylight hours. Whereas before a tearful shriek would invoke an immediate response and impressive checklist of possible solutions, including snacks, cuddles, and various funny faces intended to make me laugh, now she only sighs and rolls her eyes when I throw myself on the floor. In fact, there seems to be an inverse relationship between her level of concern and the caliber of my dramatic performance. Have you found this to be a problem with continued use?

arms with doll-like joints at the elbows washes the hair of a small child in the bathMarcos Chin for Reader's Digest

Another cause for concern is my Mommy®’s translation feature, which I find is increasingly glitchy. She will ask me questions such as, “Are you ready to wash your hair?” and I’ll always say, “No,” and still, I end up with a face full of shampoo every time. It’s very frustrating. I’ve lost days of cereal-encrusted hair and painstakingly applied marker tattoos because of this issue. It seems to be more of a problem with understanding my negative responses, which is curious. I haven’t once answered affirmatively about wanting a diaper change, yet they continue to happen.

But of all my issues, the most concerning is this: As I discover new and exciting things, I prefer to fully immerse myself in them, and this Mommy® seems to struggle with the concept of repetition. I know this Mommy® was rated highly for her adherence to routine—she has never once faltered at making coffee at dawn or declaring “BEDTIME!” at precisely 7 p.m. So then why does she seem to tire of “Baby Shark” after the tenth or eleventh viewing?

Clearly, I’ve raised serious issues. As such, I suggest that you take the time to expand your research and development to improve the Mommy®. I would be happy to provide a list of ideas I’ve been workshopping, including the eradication of some of the Mommy®’s most hurtful phrases, notably “Just a minute,” “You need to wait,” and “Don’t eat that.” Just let me know.

I anxiously await any information you may have about automatic updates that might remedy these issues.

Sincerely, Reese

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