Valentine's Day is one of my most profitable times, after Mother's Day and Christmas.
I just don't like the fact that $3 is all you're prepared to spend on a card for your beloved.
Beware the "funny" Valentine
iStock/Li Kim Goh
You can buy an anti-Valentine's card with a message like "Love sucks", but I'd advise against it. People like a dash of realism along with romance, but which would you rather read — "You rock" or "You'll do"? (Get our free Valentine's Day guide packed with dozens of quick tips and sweet ideas for an amazing V-Day celebration.)
Your fireplace, cubicle and fridge are my lifeline
I don't see you switching to only e-cards any time soon. Only 14 percent of you sent e-greetings last year — and of those, only five in 100 were willing to pay. People like cards they can display.
There's always something to celebrate
You can congratulate your pals on their divorce, gay wedding, or successful IVF, even your kids on losing their braces. And when it comes to achievement, nothing's too obscure. I can offer you cards praising your prowess in fashion, martial arts, and dieting.
I have a top shelf, too
It's where I keep the raunchy cards unsuitable for family viewing. More than two million are bought each year. I sometimes hide them inside "modesty sleeves" marked 18, so staff won't sell them to children.
Birthday-card sales are rising
More than 90 percent of you buy them. Four out of ten buy for Mother's Day, but you're getting Scrooge-like at Christmas, because one in ten have stopped sending cards then.
There's a reason for all those teddy bears
We call it "emotion marketing" because that's what cards are about. True, the rhymes can be icky, but your cliché may be my heartfelt sentiment.
Women buy 85 percent of all cards, but not 85 percent of the time
The statistics are skewed because women are in charge of buying them at Christmas.
Fart jokes are best-sellers
There's an insatiable appetite for toilet humor, and companies from Hallmark to Zazzle know it.
There are cards for Eid, Diwali and Hanukkah, but we're not multiracial. You won't find many cards featuring ethnic minorities, which can be a problem when it comes to weddings or births.