20 Funniest Holiday Jokes That Will Crack You Up
‘Tis the season to celebrate funny Christmas, Hanukkah, and holiday moments.
Into the church
Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.
The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in.
Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter. These Christmas cartoons will add humor to your holiday.
A woman goes to the post office and asks for 50 Hanukkah stamps.
“What denomination?” asks the clerk.
The woman answers, “Six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”
A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights. I showed her our top brand, but—wanting to make sure each bulb worked—she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in. I did, and each one lit up.
“Great,” she said.
I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box. But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed.
“I don’t want this box,” she said abruptly. “It’s been opened.” Memorize these 15 silly holiday jokes that will crack up all your party guests.
Stop the presses
These holiday “headlines”—concocted by the satirists at the Onion—are completely fabricated. And yet they have the ring of truth.
• Coal Now Too Expensive to Put in Christmas Stockings
• Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think
• Accountants Pack Times Square for Fiscal New Year
• Book Given as Gift Actually Read
Hiding the presents
I had finished my Christmas shopping early and had wrapped all the presents. Having two curious children, I had to find a suitable hiding place. I chose an ideal spot: the furnace room. I stacked the presents and covered them with a blanket, positive they’d remain undiscovered.
When I went to get the gifts to put them under the tree, I lifted the blanket and there, stacked neatly on top of my gifts, were presents addressed to “Mom and Dad, From the Kids.”
My friend reviewed her young son’s fill-in-the-blank homework. One line: “At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ____.” His response: “Receipts.”
As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. “No problem,” I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.
“You can’t do that,” argued my four-year-old.
“Don’t worry. Santa will never know.”
He shot me a look. “So he knows if I’ve been bad or good, but he doesn’t know the cookie fell on the floor?” Check out these 42 hilarious Christmas gifts that people actually received.
A latke gave his mother a gift. As he did so, she said to him, “Awww, why are you so sweet?”
He replied, “I guess that’s just the way I yam.”