20 Funniest Holiday Jokes That Will Crack You Up
‘Tis the season to celebrate funny Christmas, Hanukkah, and holiday moments.
Into the church
Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back.
The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in.
Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter. These Christmas cartoons will add humor to your holiday.
Two menorahs are sitting in the window.
The first one says, “Wow, it’s getting hot with all these candles.”
The second one says, “Whoa, a talking menorah!”
A woman goes to the post office and asks for 50 Hanukkah stamps.
“What denomination?” asks the clerk.
The woman answers, “Six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform.”
A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights. I showed her our top brand, but—wanting to make sure each bulb worked—she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in. I did, and each one lit up.
“Great,” she said.
I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box. But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed.
“I don’t want this box,” she said abruptly. “It’s been opened.” Memorize these 15 silly holiday jokes that will crack up all your party guests.
Stop the presses
These holiday “headlines”—concocted by the satirists at the Onion—are completely fabricated. And yet they have the ring of truth.
• Coal Now Too Expensive to Put in Christmas Stockings
• Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think
• Accountants Pack Times Square for Fiscal New Year
• Book Given as Gift Actually Read
Hiding the presents
I had finished my Christmas shopping early and had wrapped all the presents. Having two curious children, I had to find a suitable hiding place. I chose an ideal spot: the furnace room. I stacked the presents and covered them with a blanket, positive they’d remain undiscovered.
When I went to get the gifts to put them under the tree, I lifted the blanket and there, stacked neatly on top of my gifts, were presents addressed to “Mom and Dad, From the Kids.”
My friend reviewed her young son’s fill-in-the-blank homework. One line: “At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ____.” His response: “Receipts.”
As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. “No problem,” I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.
“You can’t do that,” argued my four-year-old.
“Don’t worry. Santa will never know.”
He shot me a look. “So he knows if I’ve been bad or good, but he doesn’t know the cookie fell on the floor?” Check out these 42 hilarious Christmas gifts that people actually received.
A latke gave his mother a gift. As he did so, she said to him, “Awww, why are you so sweet?”
He replied, “I guess that’s just the way I yam.”
We prefer Santa
From an article on the Woolacombe Bay Hotel in Devon, England: “Their three-night Christmas break includes a packed program of family entertainment, a crèche, excellent cuisine, and a visit from Satan.”
Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains. It read “Thank you for not looking in the bathtub.”
Recipe books words of wisdom
One Hanukkah, a husband said to his wife, “I think there’s something wrong with these latkes, dear. They taste awful.”
His wife replied, “That shows you what you know. The recipe book says they’re delicious.”
A waitress at our restaurant had a change of clothes stolen from the break room. Making matters worse, she’d planned on wearing them to the Christmas party.
As a brand-new employee, I didn’t know any of this backstory, so I was a bit surprised to find this indignant note posted on the community board: “It has been two weeks since the Christmas party, and I still have not found my clothes.” These are the 16 funniest ugly Christmas sweaters.
Easy to forgive
Late for a seminar and unable to find parking, I pulled into a spot behind a church. It was only after I’d gotten out of the car that I spotted this sign: “No parking. Forgiveness is our business, but don’t make it harder than it already is.”
Waiting for Christmas
My wife took our three-year-old to church for the first time. Getting impatient while waiting for the Mass to start, he turned to her and asked, “What time does Jesus get here?”
Christmas Eve service
Just as I began my Christmas Eve service, the electricity in the church failed. The ushers and I found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary. Then I reentered the pulpit, shuffled my notes, and muttered, “Now, where was I?”
A tired voice called out, “Right near the end!”
How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit. Here are more of our favorite holiday-themed jokes.
What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the normal alphabet?
The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
Adam and Eve
What did Adam say to his wife the day before Christmas?
It’s Christmas, Eve!
Ariel took latkes to school for lunch during Hanukkah.
“These,” he told his friend Daniel, “are what makes Jews so smart.”
“Let me try one then,” said Daniel.
“Tell you what, I’ll sell you one for $5,” answered Ariel.
So Daniel gave him $5 and then bit into the latke. “Hey, there’s nothing special about this!” he exclaimed.
“It must be working already,” said Ariel. For more laughs, check out these hilarious short jokes that anyone can remember.