"I was holed up in Boring, Oregon, wondering whether I should try someplace different. So I hopped in my car and drove to Why, Arizona, to figure things out. After a few days I found my answer in Whynot, Mississippi: I needed a town with some life to it. I made a beeline for Disco, Tennessee, where I danced so much, I wore out my shoes. The next day, I headed to Loafers Glory, North Carolina, for a new pair..."
"Afterward I looked sharp enough to take a break in Handsome Eddy, New York. Eddy wasn't around, but I knew where to find him—in Loveladies, New Jersey, where it seemed that all the women were trying to get to Husband, Pennsylvania..."
"It was a tough town. One gal told me my romancing needed work and sent me to Sweet Lips, Tennessee. Heartbroken, I put the car on cruise control and drove to Lonelyville, New York, for a stiff drink. I made a pit stop in The Bottle, Alabama, and finally hit rock bottom in Condemned Bar, California. Not surprisingly, I woke up the next morning in Cranky Corner, Louisiana. I knew that if I continued like this, I'd be headed straight to … Hell, Michigan..."
Content continues below ad
"Pulling myself together, I grabbed breakfast in Oatmeal, Texas, lunch in Sandwich, Massachusetts, and dessert in Pie Town, New Mexico. I should've stopped eating after Greasy, Oklahoma, because I was feeling pretty sick by the time I left Lick Skillet, Tennessee..."
"In Brilliant, Ohio, it finally dawned on me—I had to cease my wandering ways. I parked in Do Stop, Kentucky, took out the map, and chose my new home. I didn't need Wealthy, Texas, or Fame, West Virginia. I found everything I needed in Happyland, Oklahoma."
5 Funky American Festivals
The Best Ballpark Food
7 Weirdest Ice Cream Flavors
Video: Singing Soldiers
More of the Best of America