Absurdly Macho Father’s Day Gifts People Actually Buy
Sometimes, you’re better off just going with a tie…
A Bacon Wallet
Now the breadwinner in your life can bring home the bacon, INSIDE MORE BACON! With this easy-greasy faux leather billfold, your father can advertise his cholester-almighty manliness to the world with every purchase, proudly oinking, “Yes, I have an income—and yes, it is all going toward bacon.”
Warning: not recommended for rabbis.
$10.56 on Amazon
Matching Father/Son Hairy Chest Disco Tees
“Dad, take me to ’70s night! Can’t you tell by the way I use my walk I’m a woman’s man?”
“No time to talk! Under the strobe lights of the disco, nobody will be able to tell I didn’t grow this luxuriant man-fur naturally with our matching Chest Hair T-shirts. They also won’t be able to tell that you’re eight months old.”
11 Pounds of Nutella
Heavy enough to use as a free weight, deep enough to last through even the most grueling football game, this baby-hippo-sized tub of hazelnut molasses puts the “mmmm” back in “food commmma.”
Warning: May be marketed as “fun size” in America.
$74.95 on Amazon
Hulk Hogan’s Cloak from Rocky III
Whatcha gonna do? Not enrobe yourself in a silky-smooth relic of film and professional wrestling history? DON’T EVEN JOKE LIKE THAT. Perfect for cookouts, magic shows, or just cozy nights with the Missus, Thunderlips’ red cloak truly is the ultimate cape, for the ultimate male.
$174.99 on Amazon. Act fast.
A Knit Beard-Beanie
With this Beard Beanie, no dad needs to live in beardless shame any longer! This warm yarn beard-hat hybrid is perfect for parties, cold nights, and undercover high school sting operations, e.g. 21 Jump Street. Dad already have a beard? Even better! Doublebeard. It might as well come with a Hummer.
$35.00 on Amazon
A BBQ Branding Iron
A personalized porterhouse? It’s the cooking man’s answer to girly charm bracelets. This customizable branding iron includes “every letter of the alphabet, plus extra letters and spacers,” so your dad can finally let all his BBQ attendees know that every steak is “Certified Awesome,” “Big Joe’s Property,” or simply and most importantly, “STEAK.”
$18.88 on Amazon
An Umbrella Sword-Cane
Here’s a scenario every father is sick of dealing with: It’s Tuesday night, rainy after work, and Professor Moriarty’s thugs jump you in the dreary streets of London. Fortunately, Dad need not choose between safety and an unsullied briefcase anymore, thanks to this fully functional umbrella—that is also a sword!
$18.95 on Amazon
A Deer Rear Bottle Opener
As manly as the time-honored tradition of drinkin’ beer may be, it lacks a certain carnivorous oomph. Doesn’t your father deserve this wall-mountable doe rump? Bottoms up!
$99.00 on Amazon
This Pistol-Shaped Can Koozie
Drinking and handling firearms is a dangerous, irresponsible offense. But for the guy who thinks about popping caps even as he’s un-capping pops, here’s the pistol-shaped beverage holder he never knew was missing in his life.
$9.18 on Amazon