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Someone take the eating utensils away from that guest at table six. She’s been clinking her wine glass all night demanding the happy couple “Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!!!” She’s driven you and everyone else crazy. Even the newlyweds are tired of kissing.
The Fussy Eater
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The waiter will appear and read off the dining options: “We have meat, fish, vegetarian, pasta, pizza, plankton, insects, and Ensure. What would you like?” This guy will reply, “What else you got?” His favorite phrase, whispered not too quietly to the person gorging on the filet: “You like this food?”
The Un-fussy Eater
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He was the cup-stacking champion of his high school, and he’s using his skills to build a pyramid-like structure of food that would be the envy of any ancient Egyptian Pharaoh.
The Bar Hog
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The first thing he did was skip the service and go straight to the reception where he claimed the first spot at the open bar. He then put down a twenty and learned the bartender’s name. He hasn’t left his perch since. Thirsty? Sorry, you’ll have to order around him.
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She studied Bindi Irwin win Dancing With the Stars last year and now that it’s the end of the night and the uncles and aunts and friends of the parents have left, she’s showing off her moves, along with a few stumbles she’s ad-libbing.
The 'Who’s That?' Guy
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He seems nice enough. After all, he hasn’t killed anyone. Still, while you’ve previously met everyone else at the table, this guy’s a complete mystery. He isn’t even with anyone. The hosts had to shoehorn him in somewhere and your table was chosen. Which makes you wonder, “What do the hosts really think of me?”
The Grandparent To Whom Everyone Has To Pay Tribute
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It’s The Godfather all over again. Everyone takes a turn to honor the grandparent and make sure he or she isn’t bored. Typical condescending small talk includes, “You must be so proud,” and “I can’t believe you’re only 112-years-young!” In reality, all they want is for you to shut up and get them some more meatballs from the buffet.
The Bored Five-Year-Old
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If the service is your newly discovered 10th Circle of Hell, imagine what it’s like for the groom’s cousin’s little kid. No wonder she’s acting out like a Mixed Martial Arts fighter and going full Ronda Rousey on the back of your chair. Don’t worry, her mother is on top of things, drowning out the “I do’s” with a salvo of, “You better sit still and behave!”
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She’s-known-the-bride-since-she-was-just-a-little-girl-and-she-was-such-a-cute-little-dollop-and-so-nice (takes deep breath) and-she’s-watched-her-grow-up-from-that-nice-girl-to-a-lovely-woman-and-she-can’t-believe-she’s-getting-married-especially-since-Rodney-dumped-her (deep breath) and …
The Funny Uncle
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You’re at the back of the receiving line and it isn’t moving. Did the bride’s mother faint? Are the groomsmen fighting? No, Uncle Frank is belting out “Sunrise, Sunset” from Fiddler On the Roof: “Is this the little boy I carried …” Uncle Frank thinks it’s hilarious, everyone else just want to get off the receiving line and to the reception before the Bar Hog drinks all the booze.