40 Comedians Reveal Their Favorite Jokes Ever
Funny people's favorite jokes: Some of our favorite comedians, humorists, actors, and laughter lovers share the one joke that always makes them laugh.
When people hear that I founded National Lampoon and produced Animal House and the Vacation films, they always make the same demand: "Say something funny!" So I tell them about the time I ran into the comedian Henny Youngman at the racetrack. "Henny, how are you doing?" I asked. He said, "Matty, I bet on the politest horse ever. He let all the other horses go in front of him." I invited my favorite comedians, funny actors, and humorists from over the decades to share a joke or a quote that cracks them up. Let’s see if their gags are funnier than mine.
A fishy situation
A guy goes ice fishing for the very first time. All of a sudden, he hears a voice. "There are no fish under the ice!" He ignores it and moves to another area, cuts a hole, and tosses his line in. Again, he hears the booming voice: "There are no fish under the ice!" He nervously looks up and asks, "Lord? Is that you?" "No, this is the rink manager!" —Emmy Award-winning actress Allison Janney
What are your thoughts on pepperoni?
"Don’t ask me about my pan pizza, it’s personal." —Doug Benson, quoting Megan Neuringer. Make sure you remember these corny jokes guaranteed to make everyone laugh.
When I finished high school, I wanted to take my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle, but my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was eighteen. And I could just have his motorcycle. —Riki Lindhome, quoting Anthony Jeselnik. Don't miss these 20 funny science jokes either.
Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. "Ye gads, matey," says Morty. "What happened to ya?" Sol says, "Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg."
"And yer hand?" asks Marty.
"When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook."
"OK, but what’s with the eye patch?"
"I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye."
"But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop."
"True," says Sol. "But it was me first day with the hook." —Jason Alexander, who played George on Seinfeld and appeared on Broadway in A Fish in the Dark
Two cannibals are eating a clown, and one looks at the other and says, Does this taste funny to you? —Joe Mande, quoting his Dad
A critical question
My favorite joke of all time is: "Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?" —Gary Gulman, a finalist on Last Comic Standing, has appeared on Late Night with Seth Meyers and Inside Amy Schumer. Find out 13 things a stand-up comedian won't tell you.
What a man-wich
Scene: From the TV show Parks and Recreation. Ron Swanson, a manly and prodigious eater, has told a coworker that the hot dog/hamburger stand in the bowling alley is his favorite restaurant.
Coworker: "Really? Aren’t you scared to eat there?"
Ron Swanson: "When I eat, it is the food that is scared." —Mike Schur, co-creator of Parks and Recreation and Brooklyn Nine-Nine
"I’d like to think that halfway through Nicole Kidman’s last name there’s a tiny bar mitzvah." —Megan Amran, Twitter Queen, author, and former writer/producer Parks and Recreation, quoting Justin Shanes