Funny Stuff
The Funniest One-Liners You Haven’t Heard Yet
Oct 17If you need to ask, “Ever hear the one about…” chances are they probably have.
Live at Five
What’s a newscaster’s favorite band? The Talking Heads.
Don’t miss these funny office jokes.
Fishy feeling
Give a man a fish and he eats for a day, teach a man to fish and you’ll get stuck having to cook for him all night.
Traffic stop
Life is about the journey, not the destination, which explains why people love sitting in traffic so much. Not!
ATM codes
If you take $2.00 out of an ATM that has a $2.50 fee, do you owe the machine money?
Fold it up
Young people are investing in an invention that automatically folds laundry. It’s called “The Mother.”
You won’t want to miss these other mom jokes.
Dentist’s dilemma
A new study shows that one-third of people don’t floss, while the other two thirds couldn’t answer with all the Novocain in their mouths.
Born, baby, born!
My mother was so surprised when I told her I was born again. She said she didn’t feel a thing!
Très bien!
What’s the biggest problem with living in the Eiffel Tower? Keeping all the kids off your lawn!
Kitchen encounters
If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. If you can’t stand the kitchen, you’ve been watching too many HGTV shows.
Send to all
Why should you never text while driving? It increases the chances of typos. #kidding
Geezer graduate
Why did the grandpa change his major? He had to switch from Literature to Classics.
Check out these other side-splitters about old age.
Picture perfect
If a picture is as good as a thousand words, that explains why her private investigator’s picture was worth a whole divorce settlement.
No one is immune
A Rolling Stone gathers no moss, but they do get grey hair.
Teacher teacher
Why did the parents not like their son’s biology teacher? He had some skeletons in his closet.
Ready, aim, fire!
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. It’s much easier to hit your target from outside on the lawn.
Passing lane problem
I used to believe that all things must pass until I got stuck behind a school bus.
First impression
First dates are easy as pie: they’ll take about two hours and the good ones are hot.
Job hazards
What did the zookeeper say after the python broke free? Nothing.
Football functions
What did the football team print with their 3D printer? A better linebacker.
Meow-lot
A new wine has been made for cats. It won’t be long before they start sending regrettable texts and waking up with headaches.
These kitty jokes will have you purring on the floor.
We all scream for ice cream
A new ice cream shop opened in a former funeral home. Flavors include chocolate, vanilla, and Kevin.
Decor disaster
Why did the furniture company recall its lava lamps? They realized it wasn’t 1967 anymore.
Moving mayhem
The only thing I want to keep between you, me, and the bedpost is how much I hate moving furniture.
Family ties
Blood is thicker than water, but if we cared about things by thickness we’d be declaring pudding a vegetable.
Shining silver
Our first daughter was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Now we’re hoping for triplets so we can have a whole set.
An apple a day
The apple may not fall far from the tree, but it does drive far away and refuse to call.
Basket case
They say don’t put your eggs in one basket, but I can only make so many trips to Whole Foods.
Name change
If you’re going to change your name to something like “Seamonster” you should just make your middle name, “Disappointed Parents.”
Make your father chuckle with these classic dad jokes.
Check, please
How much does a procedure at the hospital cost? An arm and a leg.
Credit or debit?
They say you can do anything, but not everything. Everything requires you to leave a credit card on file.
Breakfast time
Don’t count your chickens before they hatch. You’ll never know when you’re in the mood for an omelet.
Early birds
Early to bed and early to rise may make a man healthy, wealthy, and wise, but he’ll also be really irritable in the morning meeting.
TV tropes
Which school did Sherlock Holmes get so smart at? Elementary.
Kingdom come
The saying goes, “In the land of the blind, the man with one eye is king.” The trouble is, no one knows where to look for him.
Furry friend
Dave wanted some hair of the dog that bit him the next morning. He’s at the hospital getting checked for rabies now.
You’ll woof for these dog jokes.
Fruit of the loom
Where does the farmer get his gossip? Through the grapevine.
Good game
Dave showed up to game night with bells on. We were playing hide-and-go-seek. He lost.
Please don’t make the bed
What do you call a drunk housekeeper? Three sheets to the wind.
Hospital helper
What is the only job where you can wear a heart on your sleeve? A doctor.
Spare change?
It’s a penny for your thoughts, but it’ll be a quarter for me to care.
College courses
An art school is banning graduates from throwing their caps at graduation because they’ll need them afterward to make “Spare Change?” signs.
Go for a stroll
A new stroller model expands to fit adult sizes. But if you’re interested in something like that, maybe kids aren’t for you.
If you like this one, you’ll love these dumb and funny jokes.
Fit friend
Sally always talks about her FitBit steps, but I wonder how many steps it takes for her to walk down from her high horse.
Read on for more hilarious one-liners.
