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The 101 Funniest Quotes of All Time

Your complete guide to funny quotes, clever jokes, and witty comebacks for every occasion.

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Funny quotes for all

Whether you’re looking for funny quotes just for a laugh, to give a toast, or to lighten the mood at a public speaking event, you’ve come to the right place. Read through these and memorize a few to help lighten the mood when it's needed. There’s nothing like a funny quote to relax an audience and make them receptive to hearing what you have to say. If you want to laugh, even more, take a look at these funny photos that will crack you up.

funny quote jerry seinfeldNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Funny quotes on fear

“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that seem right? That means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” —Jerry Seinfeld

funny quote marriage rhea butcherNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Funny quotes on sharing in a marriage

“Not sure which is harder on a relationship: sharing a dresser for three years or sharing an iPhone charger for one day.” —Rhea Butcher

funny quote jim carrey failingNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Funny quotes on failing

“You can fail at what you don’t want—so you might as well take a chance at doing what you love.” —Jim Carrey. These funny test answers are secretly genius.

funny quote kids sheila leeNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Funny quotes on having kids

"I asked my brother-in-law, the father of four boys, 'If you had it to do all over again, would you still have kids?' 'Yes,' he said. 'Just not these four.'" —Sheila Lee

funny quote adilthood noelle chathamNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Funny quotes on adulthood

"I just realized that 'Let me check my calendar' is the adult version of 'Let me ask my mom.'" —Noelle Chatham

funny quotes high road sandra bullockNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Funny quotes on the high road

"Whoever established the high road and how high it should be should be fired." —Sandra Bullock 

funny quote furniture @askdadblog john kinnearNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Funny quotes on basic furniture assembly

"Sometimes I am amazed that my wife and I created two human beings from scratch yet struggle to assemble the most basic of IKEA cabinets." —@askdadblog (John Kinnear). These are some of the cutest mistakes that kids have made.

funny quotes gratification carrie fisherNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Funny quotes on gratification

“Instant gratification takes too long.” —Carrie Fisher 

funny quotes nora ephron teenage kidsNicole Fornabaio/rd.com

Funny quotes on teenage kids

“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.” —Nora Ephron. Being a parent can be difficult, but it can also be pretty entertaining. These are the funniest lies parents have told their kids.

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