The 75 Funniest Quotes of All Time
Your complete guide to funny quotes, clever jokes, and witty comebacks for every occasion.
More Funny Quotes on Marriage: Poison for Breakfast
Following an argument, an angry Lady Astor told Winston Churchill, “Winston, if you were my husband, I’d put poison in your coffee.” Churchill snapped, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
Funny Quotes on Superstrength
A sports columnist recalled the story of a flight attendant who asked Muhammad Ali to fasten his seat belt. Ali replied, “Superman don’t need no seat belt.” The flight attendant’s retort: “Superman don’t need no airplane either.”
Funny Quotes on Leading the Blind
Laurence Oliver funny quote
Seeing a male dog sniffing a female dog, the young daughter of Laurence Olivier asked Noël Coward what they were doing. Coward: “The one in front has suddenly gone blind and the other one has very kindly offered to push him.” These positive quotes will make you see the glass half full.
Funny Quotes on Acting
Katharine Hepburn so hated filming a movie with John Barrymore, she declared, “Mr. Barrymore, I am never going to act with you again.” Barrymore replied, “My dear, you still haven’t.”
Funny Quotes on Comics
Director/writer Kevin Smith told Tim Burton that Burton’s Planet of the Apes reminded him of a comic book he’d written. Burton responded, “Everyone knows I never read comics.” Smith shot back, “That explains Batman.”
Funny Quotes on Balding
An acquaintance walked past Algonquin Round Table member Marc Connelly and ran a hand over Connelly’s bald pate. “That feels just as smooth and as nice as my wife’s behind,” he said. Connelly, running his own hand over his head, remarked, “So it does!” If you need a break from laughing at the funniest quotes ever, check out these peace quotes from some of the world’s wisest leaders.
Funny Quotes on Dreams of Nimoy
Leonard Nimoy was asked by a woman, “Are you aware that you [as Spock] are the source of erotic dream material for ladies around the world?” Nimoy’s reply: “May all your dreams come true.”