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The 101 Funniest Quotes of All Time

Your complete guide to funny quotes, clever jokes, and witty comebacks for every occasion.

funny quotes matt wohlfarth houseNicole Fornabaio/

Funny quotes on the housing market

"I admit that I live in the past, but only because housing is so much cheaper." —Matt Wohlfarth 

funny quotes homework larry timmonsNicole Fornabaio/

Funny quotes on homework

"I recently asked a student where his homework was. He replied, 'It’s still in my pencil.'" —Larry Timmons. Check out these ridiculous things people actually believed as kids.

funny quotes michael mcrae incomeNicole Fornabaio/

Funny quotes on income

"Filling out a credit card application, my friend came upon this question: 'What is your source of income?' She wrote: 'ATM.'" —Michael Mcrae 

funny quotes running natalia skrodzkiNicole Fornabaio/

Funny quotes on running

"One of my biggest fears is that I’ll marry into a family that runs 5Ks on holidays." —@xnatata (Natalia Skrodzki) 

aaron karo funny quotes on directionsNicole Fornabaio/

Funny quotes on directions

"Mapquest really needs to start its directions on number five. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood." —Aaron Karo 

olivia wilde funny quotes parents marriageNicole Fornabaio/

Funny quotes on times of optimism

"My parents said marrying was an optimistic thing to do in pessimistic times." —Olivia Wilde 

funny quotes medical symptoms crystal loweryNicole Fornabaio/

Funny quotes on medical symptoms

"WebMD is updating its server because of a virus. Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly appendicitis." —Crystal Lowery 

funny quotes yelling reese witherspoonNicole Fornabaio/

Funny quotes on yelling

"If you are not yelling at your kids, you are not spending enough time with them." —Reese Witherspoon 

kelly oxford funny quotes privilegeNicole Fornabaio/

Funny quotes on privilege

"I never feel more privileged than when I get angry about website design." —Kelly Oxford. These funny baby photos will make you laugh out loud.

funny quotes dave barry politeNicole Fornabaio/

Funny quotes on being polite

"User: the word computer professionals use when they mean 'idiot.'" —Dave Barry

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