The 51 Funniest Things That Ever Happened at the Doctor’s Office
Hilarious true stories, jokes, transcripts, and more from real doctors, nurses, and fellow patients around the country. Warning: side effects include laughing your butt off.
“Here,” says the nurse, handing the patient a urine specimen container. “The bathroom’s over there.” A few minutes later, the patient comes out of the bathroom.
“Thanks,” he says, returning the empty container. “But there was a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all.”—Travis Stork, MD, Nashville, Tennessee
Ignorance is bliss
My patient announced she had good news … and bad. “The medicine for my earache worked,” she said. “What’s the bad news?” I asked.
“It tasted awful.”
Since she was feeling better, I didn’t have the heart to tell her they’re called eardrops for a reason. —Murray Grossan, MD, founder of the Grossan Institute, Los Angeles
Clean up in aisle dumb
Patient: Doctor, I slipped in the grocery store and really hurt myself.
Me: Where did you get hurt?
Patient: Aisle six. —John Munshower, DO, Media, Pennsylvania
Picking up a prescription? This is why you’ll always find a pharmacy at the back of the store.
This deserves a surgeon general warning… for epic burns
During surgery, my fellow resident bumped heads with the surgeon.
“Ah, Dr. Jones, a meeting of the minds,” he said, laughing it off.
The surgeon mumbled, “Yes. And I felt so alone.” —Sid Schwab, MD, Everett, Washington
These are the 50 secrets your surgeon won’t tell you.
Scene: The operating room. I’m reviewing the surgical checklist with the nurses.
Me: We have the surgical equipment, the heart-lung machine, antibiotics, and the replacement heart valve on hand.
Patient: You wait until now to figure this stuff out? —Marc Gillinov, MD, The Cleveland Clinic
Medical excuses for missing work (people actually thought might fly)
“My child stuck a mint up my nose, and I had to go to the emergency room to have it removed.”
“I got sick from reading too much.”
Employee got stuck in the blood pressure machine at the grocery store and couldn’t get out.
“My dog wasn’t feeling well, so I tasted his food, and then I got sick.”
—Sources: careerbuilder.com; blog.oregonlive.com
You’ll definitely want to know the 17 most common lies patients tell their doctors.
Take two jokes and call me in the morning!
A doctor tells his wife, “You’re a terrible cook, you spend too much money, and you’re a lousy lover!”
Two weeks later, he comes home to find her making out with his partner.
“What’s going on here?!” he demands.
“Just getting a second opinion,” she replies.
—Submitted by Deborah Axelrod, MD, New York University Perlmutter Cancer Center