18 Funny Christmas Jokes for the Merriest Holiday
Embrace the lighter side of the holiday season with these funny Christmas jokes.
One seven-year-old girl wrote this list, to which her dad added his thoughts.
• “Black, light blue, green, purple, and pink North Faces.” Five North Face jackets at 100 bucks each? Dream smaller. That is apparel meant for serious outdoorsmen who dangle from belayed ropes on the south face of K2. The outdoorsiest we get is when we roll down the window at the Wendy’s drive-through.
• “A new radio.” Done. I’ll throw in my old Betamax collection as a stocking stuffer.
• “$1,000.” You want cash? Clear the spiders out of the attic. I’ll give you three bucks for it.
• “A light-up Razor scooter that is the color blue.” “Dad, for Christmas, can I get hit by a car?”
• “A new canape that glows up.” So, like, a glowing miniature crab cake with a toothpick in it? I could maybe do that.
• “A pet puppy border collie with a peace sign collar and a leash.” Do you see any borders in this house that need patrolling, apart from the bathroom door when Daddy is having his alone time? No.
• “A black rist bange.” I don’t know what this is, but done. —Drew Magary, from deadspin.com
For more laughs, cracking some funny Christmas jokes will put the whole family in the holiday spirit.
Of course, gift giving may not be everyone's strong suit.
One year, my father gave Mom a DVD. In and of itself it wasn’t a bad gift, except a) it was a rental, and b) we didn’t own a DVD player. —Amy Marshall Hodges, Canton, Michigan. These funny Christmas jokes are a good place to start, then move on to more funny holiday jokes.
Santa's a pro, which is why kids bypass parents and appeal to him:
• “Dear Santa, Please text my dad. He has my whole list.”
• “Dear Santa, Sorry for what I did in the past, and thank you for the Christmas letter—I love it. But what I want for Christmas is $53 billion dollars.”
• “Dear Santa, How are you? I’m good. Here is what I want for Christmas: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B0032HF60M/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1410271945&sr=8-1” —Sources: wgna.com and someecards.com. This is why Santa Claus wears red.
What happens when kids' letters arrive at the North Pole?
Does Kringle and Co. sell the data to online marketers? We read the fine print on Santa’s website:
• Why Do We Need This Information? Santa Claus requires your information in order to compile his annual list of who is Naughty and who is Nice and to ensure accuracy when he checks it twice.
• What Information Do We Collect? We obtain information from the unsolicited letters sent to Santa by children all over the world listing specific items they would like to receive for Christmas. Often these letters convey additional information, such as which of their siblings are doodyheads. The letters also provide another important piece of information—fingerprints. We run these through databases maintained by the FBI, CIA, NSA, Interpol, MI6, and the Mossad. If we find a match, it goes straight on the Naughty List.
• What Do We Do with the Information We Collect? Sharing is one of the joys of Christmas. For this reason, we share your personal information with unaffiliated third parties: the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and Hanukkah Harry. —Laurence Hughes, from McSweeney’s Internet Tendency. This is how people learned the truth about Santa Claus.
The gift list is done, and there's a nip in the air—time to get your gaudy on!
My daughter and I took the long route through the neighborhood to admire the Christmas decorations. One yard contained a trove of lights, ornaments, elves, carolers, trimmings … in short, it was a mess. My daughter summed it up perfectly when she announced, “It looks like Christmas threw up.” —Cecille Hansen, Seattle, Washington. Here are a few holiday decorating mistakes you didn't know you were making.
Do you hear what I hear?
That’s right; music is filling the air! Have you downloaded the latest holiday album? It had them boogying in the streets of Bethlehem centuries ago!
The Little Drummer Boy’s Greatest Hits: Includes the songs “Pum Pum Pum Pum,” “Rum Pum Pum,” “Ba Rum Pum Pum,” “Rum Pum Pum Ba Rum Pum Pum,” and special bonus track “Pum Pum Pum, Ba Rum Pum Pum.” —Source: someecards.com. If you're enjoying these funny Christmas jokes, you'll want to know more about the history behind your favorite Christmas traditions.
Hope you like schmaltzy, sentimental holiday movies
...because that’s what will be playing on cable 24/7 for the entire month. In case you’ve forgotten these films you’ve seen only 47 times, some brief reviews:
• How the Grinch Stole Christmas: “Crimes against Who-manity”
• A Christmas Carol: “Bob, Marley”
• Elf: “A Christmas Ferrell” —Source: fwfr.com. These are the best Christmas movies of all time, ranked.
Next, the tree.
Note: The real trick isn’t picking the right pine. It’s getting it inside your home. But with our 15-point plan, you’ll be trimming in no time.
1) Cut the cords that bind the tree to the roof of your car. Allow them to snap back and strike you in the eye.
3) Slowly pull the tree toward you.
4) Wobble under its weight for a few seconds, then fall down.
6) Stand up and notice the fresh scratches in the roof of your car.
8) Drag the tree to your front door. Spend 15 minutes figuring out how to open the door while simultaneously getting the tree through it.
9) Drag the tree away from the door so that you can enter with the tree facing in the right direction.
10) Once inside, fill the tree stand with water.
11) Knock all the water out of the tree stand because you forgot to wait to fill the tree stand until after putting the tree in it.
13) Your tree should now be in the stand. Notice the fallen needles that have reduced your tree to half the size it was when you bought it.
14) Down seven cups of eggnog to settle your nerves.
15) Slur your curses.
Get in the Christmas spirit with these advent calendars everyone on your list will love.
You're not home free yet.
Much more can go wrong!
Securing Christmas lights to the tree can be a production. One year, when we finally stood back and flicked on the light switch, I noticed that a branch obscured our prized angel ornament. I grabbed the pruning shears, mounted a stool, and snipped once, and the lights went out. My husband quietly said, “You don’t have your glasses on, do you?” —Lynn Kitchen, Parksville, British Columbia.
Your Christmas tree has practically become a member of the family:
The needy, spoiled, flamboyant side that knows when it’s time to go:
“All that time spent selecting and decorating, and a week after [Christmas], you see the tree by the side of the road, like a mob hit. A car slows down, a door opens, and a tree rolls out.”
—Jerry Seinfeld. In addition to these funny Christmas jokes, you can also find out what your Christmas tree wants you to know.