21 Downright Hilarious Drinking Quotes Guaranteed to Make You Spit Your Drink Out

Made for everyone who gets a little too excited for happy hour.

The other name for happy hour

Tatiana Ayazo/Rd.com,shutterstock “I work until beer o'clock.”—Stephen King Have you tried any of these 50 craft beers from each of the 50 states?

A monumental discovery

Tatiana Ayazo/Rd.com,shutterstock “Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.”—Conan O'Brien (Here's how you can cut back on alcohol.)

We've all been there

Tatiana Ayazo/Rd.com,shutterstock “There comes a time in every woman's life when the only thing that helps is a glass of Champagne.”—Bette Davis (Here's what happens when you drink a glass of wine every night.)

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Just being a good person

Tatiana Ayazo/Rd.com,shutterstock “Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy.”—Frank Sinatra

Wait a minute...

Tatiana Ayazo/Rd.com,shutterstock “If God had intended us to drink beer, he would have given us stomachs.”—David Daye (Here are six surprising reasons beer is good for you.)

Whining about wine

Tatiana Ayazo/Rd.com,shutterstock “Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?”—Jerry Seinfeld (But, here are the wine terms you should know.)

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Is there any other reason?

Tatiana Ayazo/Rd.com,shutterstock “I drink to make other people more interesting.”—Ernest Hemingway (Check out these other Ernest Hemingway quotes!)

The big three

Tatiana Ayazo/Rd.com,shutterstock “Three be the things I shall never attain: Envy, content, and sufficient Champagne.”—Dorothy Parker

Wise words

Tatiana Ayazo/Rd.com,shutterstock “A bottle of wine contains more philosophy than all the books in the world.”—Louis Pasteur (But you should probably read these 20 books anyway.)

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Where do I sign up?!

Tatiana Ayazo/Rd.com,shutterstock “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? You know there’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”—Drew Carey (Here's how you can tell if you're in the wrong career.)

Know your limits

Tatiana Ayazo/Rd.com,shutterstock “I exercise self-control and never touch a beverage stronger than gin before breakfast.”—W. C. Fields

Time to go home?

Tatiana Ayazo/Rd.com,shutterstock “You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.”—Dean Martin

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Every writer's struggle

Tatiana Ayazo/Rd.com,shutterstock “Writer’s block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.”—Steve Martin

The best times to drink

Tatiana Ayazo/Rd.com,shutterstock “I only drink Champagne on two occasions, when I am in love and when I am not.”—Coco Chanel

The breakfast of champions

Tatiana Ayazo/Rd.com,shutterstock “Sure I eat what I advertise. Sure I eat Wheaties for breakfast. A good bowl of Wheaties with bourbon can't be beat.”—Dizzy Dean

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That's strong stuff

Tatiana Ayazo/Rd.com,shutterstock “Love makes the world go round? Not at all. Whiskey makes it go round twice as fast.”—Compton Mackenzie

Chores suddenly became fun

Tatiana Ayazo/Rd.com,shutterstock “The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.”—Phyllis Diller

Keep on pouring

Tatiana Ayazo/Rd.com,shutterstock “Too much of anything is bad, but too much Champagne is just right.”—F. Scott Fitzgerald

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Going out strong

Tatiana Ayazo/Rd.com,shutterstock ”I wish to live to 150 years old, but the day I die, I wish it to be with a cigarette in one hand and a glass of whiskey in the other.”—Ava Gardner

Time to cut back

Tatiana Ayazo/Rd.com,shutterstock “I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.”—Rodney Dangerfield


Tatiana Ayazo/Rd.com,shutterstock “Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.  Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”—Dave Barry

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