And yet they can hear you unwrap a candy bar from three rooms away
HBRH/ShutterstockI say "Get in the car." My kids hear "Now's a good time to poop." The worst is when they just wander around the house aimlessly, as if time has no meaning and all shoes come in singles. Can you relate? Don't miss parents sharing the worst parenting tips they ever got.
Kids are so great at pushing all the buttons
Azat Valeev/Shutterstock"Hell hath no fury like a child whose sibling just pushed the elevator button." Why does everything have to be a competition with kids? "FIRST!" It's like they're practicing to be YouTube commenters before they're even old enough to type.
The best part is when you have to say it in public
MaraZe/Shutterstock"We don't put peanut butter on our brother, roll him in birdseed, and put him on the deck." As a mom, you find yourself making some really bizarre rules. Worse, you always frame them with the royal "we." (See also: We don't lick restroom doorknobs! We don't make brass knuckles out of the Legos! and We don't poop in closets!) Do you know the one sentence you should never say as a parent?
It's such a simple request, right?
images72/Shutterstock"I peed alone. It was a good day." Now if I could just get a shower without someone shoving a loaf of bread through the shower curtain and asking me to make them a sandwich.
When did fourth-grade math get so tricky?
Keith Bell/Shutterstock"I had a mind once. Now I have children." I swear, my IQ dropped 10 points with every kid. I'd be mad about it if being mad didn't take so much energy.
How do things ever get done without me?
HBRH/Shutterstock"My kids call it 'yelling.' I call it 'motivational speaking.'" Just make sure you shut the windows first so the neighbors don't judge you. Or check out these 10 habits of parents of successful children.
Yeah, you will
HBRH/Shutterstock"I'm not going to ask you again." This one wouldn't be funny if it were actually true. Of course you'll ask them again. At least 40 times. We can't help it—moms are such hopeful liars.
Now, is this poo or chocolate?
Studio KIWI/Shutterstock"Spit your gum in my hand." No person in their right mind would allow another to put chewed gum, regurgitated food, boogers, or vomit in their bare hand yet not only will moms do it, we ask for it.
You're really just teaching your kids independence and life skills
SATJA2506/Shutterstock"If I put off making dinner long enough, everyone will just eat cereal." Corollary: If you leave dinner out long enough it becomes breakfast. Table manners are one of the 11 surprising reasons French children are so well behaved.
Why is this door locked?
wittaya loysoungsin/Shutterstock"Silence is golden—unless you have kids, and then it's suspicious." Ask yourself, what's more likely: Your kids playing Legos peacefully together or your kids discovering your secret stash of chocolate and inhaling all of it while wearing your dry-clean-only dresses?