20 Funny Phrases That Are Definitely Worth Memorizing
If you’re caught in an uncomfortable or annoying situation, sometimes the best way to get out of it is by laughing your way out. Memorize these witty comebacks and use them as necessary.
When your friend complains about Weight WatchersCookie Studio/Shutterstock
I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and then I eat it.
When Aunt Muriel asks when you’re going to have kidsCookie Studio/Shutterstock
I’m jealous of my parents. I’ll never have a kid as cool as theirs, one who is smart, has devilishly good looks, and knows all sorts of funny phrases.
When Beyoncé concert tickets go on saleCookie Studio/Shutterstock
My wallet is like an onion. Every time I open it, it makes me cry.
When your friends give you the single raised eyebrowCookie Studio/Shutterstock
Don’t worry, if Plan A doesn’t work, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. You also won’t want to miss the funny phrases in these 14 hilarious cartoon puns that never get old.
When you’re told to get your butt off the couchCookie Studio/Shutterstock
I’m not lazy. I’m just very relaxed.
When you see motivational posters in your officeCookie Studio/Shutterstock
Don’t you tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon. For more funny phrases, check out these 19 cheesy pick-up lines guaranteed to get a laugh.
When you’re stuck in a tough situationCookie Studio/Shutterstock
When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
When your friend acts overly ambitiousCookie Studio/Shutterstock
You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?
When he just can’t get over the breakupCookie Studio/Shutterstock
If you can’t live without me, then why aren’t you dead yet?
When your family is concerned about your weightCookie Studio/Shutterstock
I get enough exercise from pushing my luck.
When people ask why you’re still singleCookie Studio/Shutterstock
My bed and I are perfect for each other, but my alarm clock keeps trying to break us up. Check out these cartoons about love and marriage that are hilariously accurate.
When you finally decide to stop procrastinatingCookie Studio/Shutterstock
I made a huge to-do list today. I just need to figure out who’s going to do it.
When others second-guess your life choicesCookie Studio/Shutterstock
When people tell me, “You’re going to regret that in the morning,” I sleep until noon because I’m a problem solver. Don’t miss these cartoons that prove daily life is funnier than any stand-up routine.
When your family jokes about you being over the hillCookie Studio/Shutterstock
Birthdays are good for you. Studies show that people who have the most of them live the longest.
When your spouse addresses your late-night snackingCookie Studio/Shutterstock
If you’re not supposed to eat at night, then why is there a light bulb in the fridge?
When it’s time to get a haircutCookie Studio/Shutterstock
I don’t need a hair stylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. Check out 25 more clever jokes that make you sound smart.
When you’re contemplating the advancements of humanity since the dawn of timeCookie Studio/Shutterstock
I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my own food. I have no idea where sandwiches live.
When someone asks how you like your jobCookie Studio/Shutterstock
The best part of going to work is coming home at the end of the day. Don’t miss these 30 hilarious work cartoons to get you through the week.
When someone calls you crazyCookie Studio/Shutterstock
I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
When you’re asked about your religious beliefsCookie Studio/Shutterstock
God created the world. Everything else is made in China. Can’t get enough funny phrases? Keep the laughs going with these 47 of the funniest one-liners on the Internet.