16 Funny Thanksgiving Quotes to Share Around the Table

Gobble them up!

Q: What's the traditional way to celebrate?

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"I celebrated Thanksgiving the old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land." —Jon Stewart

Here are some lies you've been told about Thanksgiving and the Pilgrims.

(Looking for a stress-free Thanksgiving? Get our FREE guide for an unforgettable Thanksgiving. You'll get easy recipes, kid-friendly crafts and games, inspiring traditions, and more ideas for the best holiday yet.)

Q: What's the #1 lesson of Thanksgiving?

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"Thanksgiving is an emotional time. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they see only once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often." —Johnny Carson

Avoid a Thanksgiving like this by staying away from these 10 topics of conversation.

Q: What to do with leftovers?

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"Cooking Tip: Wrap turkey leftovers in aluminum foil and throw them out." —Nicole Hollander 

Don't let these funny Thanksgiving quotes fool you: there are plenty of great recipes for Thanksgiving leftovers.

Q: Where's the worst place to be on Thanksgiving?

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"Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants." —Kevin James  

Here's how to binge-eat as much as possible on Thanksgiving.

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Q: How do you stuff your bird?

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"It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak." —Phyllis Diller   

You may know not to do that, but you'll probably make these Thanksgiving mistakes this year.

Q: How can you best celebrate the day after Thanksgiving?

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"I approximated the Black Friday experience at home by hurling myself into a wall a number of times and then ordering online." —Kumail Nanjiani   

Here's how to avoid major stress on Black Friday.

Q: How much gravy is too much?

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"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." —Erma Bombeck  

Here's how to make an easy, delicious, gravy, plus answers to 19 other big Thanksgiving questions.

Q: What do we do on Thanksgiving?

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"The Thanksgiving tradition is, we overeat. ‘Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?’ ‘But we do that every day!’ ‘Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?’" —Jim Gaffigan   

Here are 15 tips for keeping your sanity if you're hosting Thanksgiving.

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Q: How do Canadians celebrate in America?

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"I’m from Canada, so Thanksgiving to me is just Thursday with more food. And I’m thankful for that." —Howie Mandel

Q: Too much turkey?

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"If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself." —Mitch Hedberg   

Watch out for these 7 myths about turkeys that could ruin your Thanksgiving.

Q: The best ways to enjoy your veggies?

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"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie." —Jim Davis  

  These are the healthy Thanksgiving foods that you don't have to feel bad about bingeing.

Q: What's really best for the turkeys?

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"If you want to save a species, simply decide to eat it. Then it will be managedlike chickens, like turkeys, like deer, like Canadian geese."  —Ted Nugent  

All funny Thanksgiving quotes aside, here are some meatless Thanksgiving dishes that everyone at the table will love.

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Q: How good is Mom's turkey?

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"Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother’s tasted better the day before." —Rita Rudner

If these funny Thanksgiving quotes give you a laugh, you'll love our collection of turkey jokes.

Q: How do you get the best turkey?

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"Last Thanksgiving I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, Blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?" —Kenny Rogerson

Here's how to really find the best turkey.

Q: How can you get more beast for your feast?

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"We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing." —George Carlin 

Whether you're a host or a guest this Thanksgiving, these are the etiquette rules you need to follow.

Q: What's the most wonderful time of the year?

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"Even though we’re a week and a half away from Thanksgiving, it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas." —Richard Roeper
Learn some fascinating Christmas trivia you never knew about.

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Q: How do you know when you've had too much Thanksgiving dinner?

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"You can tell you ate too much for Thanksgiving when you have to let your bathrobe out." —Jay Leno

  Here's what really happens to your body when you binge-eat on Thanksgiving (brace yourself, it's not pretty).

Q: What's a scientist's recipe for apple pie?

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"If you wish to make an apple pie truly from scratch you must first invent the universe." —Carl Sagan

 If you're looking to change up your dessert menu, try out one of these delicious fall desserts that aren't pie.

Q: Can you please both foodies and football fans?

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"Thanksgiving dinners take 18 hours to prepare. They are consumed in 12 minutes. Half-times take 12 minutes. This is not a coincidence." —Erma Bombeck

More Thanksgiving humor: these totally real Thanksgiving hotline calls will make you laugh just as much as these funny Thanksgiving quotes.

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