Chapter One: Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Groan
Q: Why is Mad-Eye Moody such a bad teacher?
A: Because he can’t control his pupils.
Q: How many Slytherins does it take to stir a cauldron?
A: Just one. He puts his wand in the cauldron and the world revolves around him.
Q: Why does Voldemort prefer Twitter to Facebook?
A: Because he only has followers, not friends.
Q: What’s the difference between a comma and Crookshanks?
A: A comma is a pause at the end of a clause, and Crookshanks has claws at the end of his paws.
Q: Where can you find Dumbledore’s Army?
A: Up his sleevy.
Q: Why did Professor Snape stand in the middle of the road?
A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Chapter Two: Harry Potter and the Pub-Joke Prince
A wizard walks into a pub and orders a Forgetfulness Potion. He turns to the witch next to him and says, “So, do I come here often?”
The barman says, “We don’t serve time-travelers here.”
Hermione walks into a pub with a time-turner.
Professor Quirrell walks into a bar, unwraps his turban, and present’s the Dark Lord’s face to the barman. The Dark Lord orders a beer.
“Sorry, can’t serve you,” the barman says. “You’re already out of your head.”
A muggle walks into the Hog’s Head inn with a frog on his shoulder. The barkeep says, “That’s pretty cool—where’d you get it?”
“London,” the frog croaks, “They’ve got millions of ‘em!”
Two Hungarian Horntails walk into a pub. The first one says, “Sure is hot in here.”
The second one snaps back, “Shut your mouth!”
Madam Hooch walks into a pub. The barkeep says, “Hey, we have booze named after you!”
Hooch beams, “You have a drink named Rolanda?”
Chapter Three: Harry Potter and the Puns That Were Too Bad to List at the Top of This Page
Q: Why does Voldemort love Nagini so much?
A: Because she gives him hugs and hisses.
Q: Why does Neville always use two bathroom stalls?
A: Because he has a Longbottom.
Q: Why did Lucius Malfoy cross the road twice?
A: Because he’s a double-crosser
Q: What do you call two Quidditch players who share a dorm?
Q: How do you get a mythical creature into your house?
A: Through the Gryffindor
Q: How do the Malfoys enter a building?
A: They Slytherin
Q: What do you call a wizard with his hand in a thestral’s mouth?
A: A mechanic
Q: Which side of a centaur has more hair?
A: The outside
You know who?
Exactly. AVADA KEDAVRA!
Epilogue: Harry Potter and an Important Reminder…
Wizards who drink Polyjuice Potion are people two.
Once you’ve finished groaning, see if you can handle these 20 corny Star Wars jokes next.