5 Things You Should Never Say at a Sports Bar

Are you screaming about your fantasy team and about how much smarter you are than the coach? You might be "that guy."

Call a Timeout! Don't Call a Timeout! Spike the Ball! Don't Spike the Ball!

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Coaches often have trouble with clock management. Quarterbacks in hurry-up mode often have trouble with clock management. But you know who really has trouble with clock management? A bunch of guys who have been drinking beer for three hours.

Unfortunately, the Clock Expert Screamer never shouts a mea culpa: "My bad! I suppose Eli Manning practices and analyzes clock-management strategies more thoroughly than I do!"

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I could do a better job!

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Comic exaggeration can be a fun way to razz a player or team that is having an awful day. My grandpa runs faster than you! My six-year old throws harder than that quarterback! A litter of kittens hits harder than this defense! The Better Job Screamer shifts the focus of attention at the sports bar from the NFL games to a dissatisfied loudmouth.

No, buddy, you could not do a better job than Josh Freeman or Geno Smith. Your eyes would cloud over as you tried to figure out what the play call meant. If you managed to gurgle the play out in the huddle, you would take the snap and wet your pants. Have another buffalo wing and keep the delusions of grandeur to yourself.

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Tie: Give the Ball to My Fantasy Running Back! / Kick a Field Goal, Because I Bet the Over!

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The Fantasy Screamer sound like a myopic, self-absorbed lunatic who expects everyone to share his joy or misery about minor events in a game he plays on his computer.

The same goes for the Gambling Screamer. Most people watching a Giants game either want the Giants to win or lose; they don't insist that the Giants win by four or that the combined game score exceeds 47 points.

By the way, research has found an inverse correlation between the amount of money a gambler has riding on a game and the amount of sports bar screaming he does. In other words, someone with ten grand riding on the Panthers is likely to curl into a pretzel of silent despair when he loses his bet, while the guy leaping around and calling Steve Johnson a "scuzzwad" put ten dollars down on a three-team parlay during a trip to Vegas in early August.

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You suck, Peyton Manning!

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Oh, it doesn't have to be Peyton Manning. It could be Aaron Rodgers or Calvin Johnson. But usually, it really is Peyton Manning. (Tom Brady usually gets "pretty boy" instead of "you suck," which would rank seventh or eighth on this countdown. No one ever says anything bad about Drew Brees, ever, which is one of mankind's great triumphs/mysteries).

There are three kinds of Peyton Sucks Screamers. There's: You suck because you did not score points for my fantasy team or cover the spread. You suck because you are the quarterback facing my favorite team. And: You suck because you are not really a good quarterback.

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Break His Neck!

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You can usually spot super-casual fans at the sports bar, the ones who only come out for playoff games or the big rivalries. They like to shout "Kill Him!" during the opening kickoff return, because they think that is what football fans do: we get drunk and act like unhinged, hateful lunatics, right?

But football fans are not really a bloodthirsty mob who would watch Roman gladiators if we got the chance. Violent Screamer is a seething cauldron of rage with a loose grip on social acceptability. He may not need medication or a shrink, but he does need a back rub, a nature hike along a babbling creek, perhaps a little more sleep, and a loved one to intervene and say "hey, everything's okay, the world is a beautiful place, and Marshawn Lynch did nothing to personally hurt you."

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